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No use anymore.
Keep the hits coming.
Hang your head. Avoid eye contact. Let them have their way.
Give in already.
Who fucking cares?
Victim of my own choices.
Totally. Fucking. Defeated.
What’s with this new trend of online shopping sites forcing you to log in before browsing? I want to browse, window shop, get a feel for your company. Your insistent push forcing people to log in is no different than perfume samplers at the mall forcing you to wear their noxious scents.
The whole idea behind browsing online is to be able to browse. Forcing me to log in with an email so you can spam me with a million “sale” emails is just fucking annoying and a sure fire way to lose a potential customer.
“Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.”
I am not weak.
I am weakened by moments in my life.
I am kind to a vulnerable fault.
My vulnerability sits with a neon sign,
pointing and flashing the way to destroy me.
We were rock stars from the start. Then about six months into it he started getting mean. There is no other word for it… just mean. Being the fighter I am, I refused to give in to his bullish behaviors. One day, he cracked me hard enough in the face I knocked me off my feet. He has only hit me the once. He has shoved me twice since then. I fight back. Truth be told, I don’t think he expected that. I need to say that I do not drink, smoke, do drugs. I’m a pretty keen, level headed chick for the most part. I’m a Taurus and when cornered, I let my horns jab back. He, on the other hand, smokes enough pot in one month that he spent more than our rent money.
That was the start of my disintegration. Little by little I have been blown to tiny fragmented bits of what and who I used to be. I think she is still in there. I mean, I feel her when he says something. I feel her rise up. I feel her crawl her way out of the dark pit that has become my innards. I feel her scratch and claw at the base of my throat, ready to pounce and take flight. I am not afraid of him. I’ll fight to death if I have to. That’s who I am. But, I know it is a no win situation.
A friend recently asked me, “What are you fighting for? Equality in the relationship or a way out?”…. Wow. Ka-Pow. Powerful question, such a powerful question. Her word cold cocked me, catching me right in the stomach. In that lower, hollow, solar plexus. Right where the former me resides. Her question was like an coal miner whose soul purpose was to chip away at the shining diamond I have stuffed deep inside.
It definitely has been a while since I have written an update. It has also been a while since I have written really anything regarding my life and thoughts. Well, except for my other blog when I have been incredibly active on:
I am still living in the center of Hell, i.e. Goldendale, WA. Proof that I live in Hell: Book Burning to Get Right with “GOD”
Before you ask, yes, this is really happening folks. It’s sad, really. That she feels burning books will somehow, magically, make God appear and teach people the right and wrongs of life. What she is failing to understand is that it is up to an individual to make decisions on what books to read. GOD, her God for that matter, gave us FREE WILL…it’s how we use that free will that determines our outcome. But, I do not want to take my blog into an overly religious discussion. I am merely pointing out how back woods and inept this town is. Good Ole Boys and Book Burnings!!! Next we’re torching Pagans and taking women’s rights away.
With that said, we’re doing all we can to move the hell out of this area. It’s truly a black hole. We are looking to go back to the Olympia/Tumwater/Lacey area of Washington. There are more jobs, closer to friends, and… face it… a more up-to-date way of thinking.
I have almost been at my current job for a year, that’s saying a lot. I’ave had so many lay offs, company closures and temp. jobs it is nice to be at a secure job. That’s one of the only positives in this area. Mister’s job closed. The restaurant he worked in couldn’t stay in business and had to shut their doors. He was there for just over a year. It was really sad to see them close. They were loved in this community. It is such a poor community, however, not enough people ventured out to eat out. They had fabulous food, great ambiance… just… not enough people eating out. This truly is dead town.
That’s a small update for you.
As for stopping the ride, I want off…. Just like with anything in my life… I picked myself up by my boot straps, and continued trudging on. That’s what I do. I keep going. I might have moments where I cannot see the light…It eventually breaks through my weakened spots and shines again. Here’s a song to end the blog with:
I've been looking for a new office position since mid-July. I've sent letters and resumes, I'm registered at three temp services. I can code and data-enter two hundred electric invoices in a week, and can knock out a stack of water invoices (like above, a hundred of them) in three days. That includes scanning to attachment to make the accountants happy.