Scatter Poem

365DaysofGratitude:

Such a poignant poem. I really love the last few lines.

Originally posted on A Sign Of Life:

Compartmentalization is the term my
mother uses to explain what I’m doing
when I force every demon into a box
in my head and place it high on a shelf

where it will never see the light of my
consciousness. It makes me feel sligh-
tly better when I can’t properly feel at
all, and every bitter thought, every offense

taken, every brewing outrage is muted
and eventually “forgotten”, lost in the
rows and columns of other “forgotten”
negativities. It worked for many years

too long, until the boxes weighed
too much for the weak little shelf,
and they

t

u

m

b

l

e

d

down and spilled open, scattering

all of the badness I tried

so hard to keep locked up.

Rage feasted upon my heart

and fears devoured my thoughts

like so many ravenous

nightmares.

Try as I might to restore
order by scooping up the
runaway pity
and chasing after…

View original 80 more words

Fall Prey

His breath smelled of death,
like stale coffee and broken promises.

Rheumy, contagious eyes,
luring wounded hearts into his lair.

He opened his mouth to form words
backed by bitter resentment and hollow praise.

His cadence spoken in conjunction
with the beat of her wounded soul.

Don’t fall Prey, woman, don’t fall prey.
Universe whispered gently to her.

Don’t follow the road map he has provided.
It leads you to a dead end,
a dried up reservoir of life.

Sorry

365DaysofGratitude:

Strong, fantastic words.

Originally posted on The Spectre :

Sorry

For standing you so high on a pedestal

Making you so tall with your head in the clouds

That you were no longer you.

Must have made you nauseous

Knowing you were so heralded,

Becoming a distorted figment of my imagination.

I was the one who needed to be grounded.

Sorry

For expecting from you

What you could not give.

It’s not fair to you.

I built a fiction of you

From the scraps of reality

To feed my malnourished heart.

Sorry

I couldn’t be

What you wanted me to be.

View original

Distance is an evil b**ch.

too far.

I’m totally hating this right now; the distance between you and I. This is only the physical distance (At least this is the chant I tell myself morning, noon and night.)  I think the further we are from one another, the more my want of you grows wider. I think this the fates are cruel, but patience was never my strongest attribute. I know in my bones this is the lesson I’m learning with you. 

I will tell you one major thing, Mr. Betty, the distance is horrible to bare with, but the electricity when we come back together is … well … shocking (see what I did there?)

 

Miss-You-Quotes-26

Chaos to Cheerfulness.

leap-of-faith

He said to me recently, “Leap, I’ll be there with a net to catch you.” Oh incredibly big those words are… “Leap… Catch you…” What? You mean… put trust into another human being with my heart? Does he not know the impact they make on my soul? Does he not know the impact he makes on me?

My heart screamed, “DO IT!” But my mind, body and soul slammed the breaks like a fully loaded logging truck, causing a 21 car collision with the rest of my chakras, organs, and emotions. Everything stopped; entangling into a mess on my life path.

Leap. Just jump already. Do it…

In that collision… that mess of chaos… clarity whispered gently in my ear “You can do this you know.”  The heart, strength of it all, pushed through saying, “You can do this.” It’s that little voice I listened to. I am jumping. Just call me a Love Lemming.

I can see the last two years rush me like a quarter back; ready to sac and tackle at the moment of faltering. All the negative things said to me, all the repetitive chanting from the abuser, echo internally. I never fathomed being able to ever feel this way again. I fought against the flow, the organic natural course… it seemed so foreign to me. Little did I know his heart was in conspiracy with mine; speaking directly waiting for the rest of me to catch up. To quote my conversation with him (* swoon * …him… * sigh * ), “I was very much convinced that I was broken.; that my “mate picker” was really, horribly calibrated. And that I should steer very far away from the idea of showing affection, like, love and want to another. Or accepting it in return.”  I only held these beliefs because of what was drilled into me by the past.

This belief is all wrong. All. Wrong. Anyone is capable of learning the art of love again. Actually, I don’t even really believe that it is learning that takes place.

Love is always there. It’s one of our roots, our core values. You just have to learn to trust yourself, trust others, and not become hardened to the possibilities. 

 

Sweet Twitch

Yep. Pretty much all of this.

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True story. I’m crushin’ just a wee bit. It terrifies me just a wee bit more than wee bit.

The One Thing You Need to Change to Accept Yourself

The One Thing You Need to Change to Accept Yourself -
copied from Tiny Buddha

 

Accept Yourself

“Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

I quit Weight Watchers this week, and I have never felt happier.

To be clear, quitting this weight loss program was not an act of defeat, nor was it an example of me running away from something difficult or painful. Cutting ties with Weight Watchers was truly an acceptance of self.

A couple of weeks ago I had a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend. I was feeling really down and I confided to him that not only do I lack self-confidence in nearly everything I do, I also seem to not like myself very much at all.

A voice in my head pretty regularly reminds me that I am not smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or anything enough in this life, so why bother trying.

As I explained all of this to my dear friend, I noted that I would never treat another human being as badly as I treat myself. I am loving and kind to everyone around me, but inwardly I am a mean bully. As I was saying it out loud, the whole thing seemed kind of ridiculous to me, but I didn’t know how to stop hating myself.

It was at this point that my friend said something that changed my life; he said, “Take a hard look at the things you think you don’t like about yourself. You have a choice: either learn to accept them for what they are, or change them. It’s that simple.”

At first his advice infuriated me. How on earth was I supposed to accept my flaws? I have spent thirty-six years perfecting my self-loathing, it seemed impossible to undo all of that hard work.

Turns out, it was easier than I thought it would be. After I got over the initial angry response to my friend’s advice, I started soul searching. I made a mental list of the things I have disliked about myself for nearly my whole life and examined each one, starting with the issue that has caused the most distress for me: my weight and body image.

For as long as I can remember, weight and body image have been an issue for me. I remember weighing-in in gym class in middle school and noting that I was not as small as some of the other girls in my class, but I also was not as big as some of the others either.

Truthfully, I have always fallen somewhere in the middle and would be considered average, but in my head I was never the right size or shape; I always wanted to be thinner, sleeker, and more toned.

Since my early twenties I have been struggling with weight loss; I would join weight loss programs or get into exercise routines with really high expectations: “This time I am going to lose thirty pounds and look like a super model!”

Inevitably, I would fail each time. I realize now this is not because I am a complete failure; it is good to have goals, but I was setting my expectations impossibly high. I was aiming to drop three dress sizes when I should have been aiming to just be healthier.

Alone in my bathroom, I stripped off all of my clothes. I stood naked before the mirror and looked at myself. I mean, really looked at myself. I wanted to see my body and acknowledge what I didn’t like. I felt that by doing this I could see the real me and finally accept who I am, flaws and all.

Here’s what I saw: my body is not perfect, but it is certainly not bad, either.

Regardless of its flaws, my body has withstood many challenges: I gave birth to two children, I ran a half marathon, and I can rock the thirty-minute circuit at the gym like nobody’s business. I also have some pretty cool tattoos, and even though I am no super model, I actually think I look good naked.

When I thought about it, I realized my body was actually pretty awesome.

It was then and there that I decided I needed to take my friend’s advice: accept my body for what it is. Sure, it would be pretty cool to have rock hard abs or to look like a girl on the cover of a fashion magazine, but by comparing my body to some ideal, I am overlooking what is truly great about me.

And so I quit my weight loss program, and as soon as I did, I felt amazing. No more feeling guilty about what I did or did not eat that day, no more hating myself on weigh-in day (no more weighing myself, period!), and no more telling myself I am not thin enough.

I will still make strides to be healthy (regular exercise, healthy portions, fruits and veggies), but now it is just to be healthy, not to lose thirty pounds or look like a super model.

My experience in truly facing my insecurities and consciously deciding to accept myself, my whole self, and nothing but myself, was truly enlightening; and it was freeing.

I challenge you to do the same. You don’t have to literally get naked, but definitely do so metaphorically. Strip away your impossible expectations and look at the amazing person you really are.

The next time the mean bully in your head tells you that you aren’t smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, or thin enough, challenge what you are hearing. Change your story. Instead of comparing your “behind the scenes” with everyone else’s “highlight reel,” yell back at the bully and tell him or her you are awesome because you are you.

It doesn’t matter what size you are, you are still worth loving; so be kind to yourself and start accepting your little imperfections. You might find that once you begin accepting those things you think you dislike about yourself, those flaws are actually pretty great. And you are pretty great, too.

Photo by Marcos Dias

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About Francesca Harris

Francesca Harris is a mom, an aspiring writer, and a lover of life. She works full time in HR and attends graduate school part time. In her spare time Francesca also writes a blog for a local newspaper where she gives her opinions about books, music, movies, and more. Follow her on Facebook to read more of her writing.