Tiny House

I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming
~Diddy “I’m Coming Home”

I am resurrecting an older blog I did. The sentiment is still the same, but the drive is completely different. I am now focusing solely and me and repairing me; from the inner child who is so incredibly wounded to the fragile adult who jumps at everything. I want to make my dream come true. Right now my dream is to own a little tiny plot of land with a tiny house on it.   I would extend the bathroom for a nice soaker, deep claw foot style tub. I don’t need much on the inside, a place to sleep, work, rest my bones in a soaking tub.. you get the idea. It would definitely need shelving built into the walls. I need a good library and area to put my dwarves. I want a wood stove.
Closet Storage in Staircase to Loft!  What a great use of space for apartment or a Tiny house!

I want a covered porch. So that I can sit watching the sun rise and fall. I want to take photos of the nature growing around me. I want an area to paint. Eventually, I would like to have a small room for pottery and a kiln.

Outside, I want a little bit more. I want a nice sized simple yard, so that my pug can run free. Along the porch I want flower boxes with orange poppies, yellow daisies, and red poppies. I want to build a great veggie garden. I want to build a wonderful, natural herb garden. So, this is my desire.

On my land, I would want enough space to fence off and have rescue pugs.

This is my effort I’m putting out there. I am going to start looking into purchase, locations, etc.

This is my pinterest for my Tiny House of Dreams

Not your fetish.

Realistically, I know I’ll never get below 180-200. I come from big people. My mother lost a ton of weight a while back, has since gained it back, but she lost 200+ lbs. She got down to about 160 and plateaued. It’s our body, shape, bone structure. It is our heredity.

I went from 363 down to 298 just after I left my ex-husband in 2011. I got back up to 340 over the last two years as I tried to survive through this past relationship. The only thing I could control was my eating and intake. Even if it was comfort food, I could control it.

I’m sitting at 340. This is who I am. I also hate the fact that for me to find real, genuine, simple love I have to fit into a “perfect package”.

 

I hate it.
I hate the way my body looks and reacts to things.
I hate looks I get from other women, like I’m a disappointment to the female gender as a whole.
I hate judgement from outsiders.
I hate that men think I’m a fetish.
Or that my fat body is perceived in others that I must be easy and desperate.
Or that my fat body means I will settle, that all I’m worth is abuse, neglect, hurt, hate, anger.

I am not your affair. I am not your secret. I am worth so much fucking more than that. Do not contact me, ever, if you’re married and looking to get your rocks off. Roll over, stroke your wife at night… THAT’S WHY YOU MARRIED HER.

Don’t contact me if you’re playing a bunch of women, off / on, during the same duration of time; especially if there’s a small chance these woman are going to communicate with one another. Don’t get all defensive if you’re called out on it, as you have been in the past. Don’t blame your victims either. Your exes did not intentionally hurt you, they’re just fed up with the shit you’ve put them through.This is tonight conversation with a dude I haven’t talked to in years. We initially met in high school, twenty years ago. We never talked. We were never friends. We were just friends of friends. He added me on Facebook a bit ago and proceeded to message me off and on. He was always complimenting me, but it always felt “off” to me. In this new era of me, I’m learning to trust it a bit more. I confronted him with it after this:

AB: Okay I think I’m stalking you?!!!
Me: Why? o.O ???
AB: I got on Facebook and I was thinking of you
Me: I have to ask, for a man who’s married, with kids, why would you be thinking of me? Or make comments about my beauty, etc?
AB: Is this for your book or personal experience?….
Me: It’s for my own curiosity.
AB: I think you’re beautiful because I know you
Me: I’m just confused as to why a married man would discuss their attraction with another woman online. You have a wife. This doesn’t make me feel good, in fact, it makes me feel awkward. I’m not that kind of woman. Nor do I want to be.
AB: Yes I am married. There should be no confusion I think your beautiful, yet I tell you so and you feel uncomfortable.
OTHER CONVERSATION STARTERS FROM HIM:
AB: Hello my little hottie friend from the east!
AB: What are you thinking about right now and don’t lie?
AB: I am very intrigued! I’ve always found you beautiful, I find you more attractive that your native!

First off creeper…starting a conversation with someone “I’m stalking you” knowing all the abuse and stalking shit she’s gone through the last few months is NOT a good thing. In fact, it waves a huge red flag. 

I AM WORTH MORE THAN BEING YOUR WHORE.

Just some memes, thoughts n things.

I’ve never really advocated on for myself, put out there what I really want. In the end, I always catered to whomever I was with, friends, family and lovers alike. I have always tried not to rock the boat, because of fear for myself, fear of failure, fear of being unwanted or not worthy enough. 

Well, forget that. I’m coming to, coming through and coming to realize that those were just fantasies fed to me by a mentally unstable mother. I am worthy. I do not have to settle. I don’t care if it takes me the rest of my life to firmly grasp that idea, I will continue to repeat it to myself over and over again.

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Earthen Girl Embodiment

I wanted to share this. We had to do a collage in our D.V. group. The first collage represents what we think we are on the outside. How people “see” us. The second collage is “who we are” on the inside and what we want to embody.

1st Collage:
Once upon a time, there was a broken and bloodied girl who confused sex and love. She feels she is constantly trying to defend herself and her right to be breathing on this planet. Through her struggles she found she was going through a lot of ups and downs. She thinks people see her as a real life slumdog.

Internal Collage 2

2nd Collage:
What I love about me: There is this woman who is a hippy, earthen girl who is rather geeky with glasses. She’s a big girl, in a skinny world. But she says “fuck it” and eats her cupcakes anyways. She reads a lot of books and agrees a lot with Gandhi’s teachings. Her name starts with an R and she collects stars. Overall, she is learning that smart is beautiful.

Internal Collage

Anger… justified.

After going out last night and “living” a little without fear of ridicule or belittlement, I woke up today angry. ANGRY of what has taken place over the last two years. ANGRY at myself for allowing it. ANGRY at him for causing it. ANGRY at my past for enabling it. ANGRY at my predisposition. 

ANGRY

     ANGRY
           ANGRY.

:: stamps feet :: blows steam ::

Now, in the natural healing that takes place in humans, anger is just a step. Unfortunately, for most of my life, I get stuck on the “anger” step. This will truly be a lesson in how to learn and grow. I refuse to get stuck on the angry hurt like I have my whole life.

I am not angry where I’m lashing out and need to calm down. I just have this internal burn. I am reading, A LOT. Especially the workbook and handouts from domestic violence group. I have like 7 books I’m reading. I need to learn to properly release and let go. Not to dwell on it. Not to hold that shit in…. for DECADES.

Guidance and suggestions encouraged.

C-PTSD

Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Trauma can be repeated on behavioral, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering.

Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. Gaining control over one’s current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of healing.[29]

  • Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings
  • Difficulties regulating emotions, including symptoms such as persistent dysphoria, chronic suicidal preoccupation, self injury, explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate), or compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality (may alternate)
  • Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.
  • Loss of, or changes in, one’s system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

 

I had a conversation with my mother, right before cutting her out of my life, about my issues with her and my childhood. She said to me, “You cannot continue to blame me for everything that’s gone wrong in your life.” Learning what I am learning in the domestic violence group and learning to apply it to examples in my life, compiled with the fact that I am learning I may have
C-PTSD, I can DEFINITELY say that “Yes mother, you are to blame for my failings in life.” I am not trying to pass blame. I am accountable for my choices and decisions. However, her neglect, abuse, mental trauma, hurtful words have definitely shaped my thinking enabling me to hate myself, vie for attention to “feel” loved, and most of all find what is comforting and normal to me. 

I had an argument/discussion with someone who recently posted a picture on facebook that read:

I only post this because I feel it follows my thought thread before. My past has very much influenced my path and choices in life. My choices are based on what I perceive as “normal”.  Unfortunately, for me, normal is chaos, anger, hate, violence, and abuse. No, I am not saying that everyone in those environments grow up to be like me. But I am saying, for me, my past has influenced a lot of my decisions, good and bad. I tend to go to what is “normal” for me. I want to kind of break it down better, which is why I’m writing this blog.

Let’s start with the first sentence that stood out the most to me, Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love.” <— Without a question, I am strongly learning that I am way confused on pain and love. I am not a BDSM person, but emotional love and emotional pain are one in the same in my mind. Healthy, normal love does not exist. Therefore, I am walking around as a vulnerable target for people (not just men) to smell the “prey” on me. 

The second sentence that I personally think drives home the argument I was trying to make to this person on Facebook about her picture she posted can be easily summed up here, Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. ” I am not saying my choices are not conscious choices. I am saying that there is an unconscious process working the gears and cogs in my psyche that influences my decisions.

Finally, the bullet points I posted are all me.  So now that I am aware of this, how do I proceed? How do I regulate my mind and reshape it to find inner peace and the proper structure for a “healthy” self love? I did not have the coddling, caring, nurturing growing up. I have pushed myself out there to find love. To just be loved! But, as my past relationships (Romantic/Sexual/Friends Alike) I can see I pull in the wrong people who treat me horribly because it’s integrated into my mental well being.

I will preface this with, NOT ALL of my friends and relationships are bad. I do have some very strong, loving friends as well. It is through those relationships that I am finding strength to heal. I am finding “me” again. I am supported unconditionally. There is positive to my negative, I am just learning to refocus again.

Staying.


rths

If you read yesterdays post you’ll understand today’s post. If you haven’t, I encourage you to: Catching Up.
One of the biggest questions friends and family have asked over the two years with him, “Why don’t you leave?” I love how it is perceived that one can just “leave”. Even if it wasn’t an abusive relationship, it is not easy to leave. Think of all your relationships. Take in consideration the hurt, loneliness and pain you had when you separated from your lover, mate, friend. It’s no easy task. Now, add in the charismatic demeanor of a narcissistic individual. I stayed. I chose to stay. These were my choices. I know that judgement from friends and family weight on my shoulders. I chose to stay many times through the abusive process. But why? Why did I make the choice to stay?

A lot of women stay because they are stuck. A lot stay because the master of manipulation has put forth a financial and supportive struggle for the woman. There’s an alienation that takes place and hopelessness becomes prevalent. This really was not the case for me, for the most part. I was lonely. I was alone. I was in a town where I really didn’t know many people. Those who I did meet became judgmental about my personal situation. My money was tied up, but in bills and rent. I had responsibilities that kept me tied there. But the end choice that kept me with him for two years: Love. It’s that simple. Love. 

I loved the “good guy” he was. When he was on, he was really on fire. Attentive, funny, great cook. His humor really won me over. Unfortunately, his love of himself and marijuana became more than his love for me. The cycle of abuse became shorter and shorter. Marry that with the fact that my self esteem was getting just as short, made for a union of disaster.

I stayed because I had hopes that “this time” was really the chance needed for him to change. There were a lot of promises. There were a lot of false hopes. I was never enough for him to change for. I know now that I am more than enough, he just has a problem…or a few hundred.  I endured a lot of ridicule from friends and family.  I went down into a lonely hole of solitude. I had hopes that never came to fruition.

Why am I writing this blog? If you are a friend or family member of someone in a similar situation, my biggest request of you is to not judge them. Just don’t. Everyone on this planet is here for their own path. They are here forging their own way. Their choices are their lessons in life. Be there when they ask for help, but, understand that actually getting out is hard. It is very often that she will go back. It’s what she knows. It’s been her existence for however long she’s been living it. She is not ‘crying wolf’ she is trying to get the strength and self esteem to make that final choice. Have patience for her and her situation.