. Disconnected Attachments .

There has been a lot of discussion, negative and positive, around Marie Kondo’s “purging your life, decluttering your space” comments. “Get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy…” has prompted a firestorm of meme’s in her honor; a lot of which are in mocking or attacking way.

As I sit back in my (yet again) new place, I think about this last move and the process of moving overall. It has taken this move, the 5th in two years, for me to identify why this is such a source of anxiety to me. It also took a discussion with my housemates to help me process further, and a comment from a friend who defined the root of my anxiety to finite detail. It all comes down to de-cluttering vs. attachments. So, I would like to offer another perspective on the sentiments Ms. Kondo has shared.

Before I go into the deep seed by the name of, “Anxietatem Inordinatio” that has been growing and taking root within my soul, let me share this last move to you. We received notice in January that our previous landlord decided not to renew our lease. Our lease was up at the end of March, however, we discussed with the landlord if we could be out a month earlier; she wanted to move family into her rental and we had an opportunity that we couldn’t pass up. We decided, that this time, this move, we were hiring movers. Such a novel idea, pay someone to move your crap for you. However, the reality is, you’re still responsible for sorting, purging, and packing your items. Thus watering the rooted seed that was planted deep within my soul at a very young age and spreading throughout my psyche with rapid strangling vines.

Packing. Sorting. Purging. . . yet again in my life.
Packing. Sorting. Purging.
Which should really read, “Water. Sowing. Sprouting… these suffocating roots taking hold of my soul again.” So the gist is, this simple act of packing is a huge trigger for anxiety. I was triggered. I was anxious, snippy, pissy for a month prior to “THE MOVE”.

As a child we moved A LOT. So much in fact, I believe in my primary years I attended every elementary school in the Kent School District. In my teen years, I was in/out of foster homes, lived with friends, never really knew where I’d lay my head or what crazy was going to uproot my false sense of security again. The only time in my life I can remember staying in one place longer than a year was during my marriage. I perfected the art of packing, purging, moving, and unpacking.  All of this relocation has carved a canyon in my soul that is filled with anxiety, disconnection, and depression. I learned transitioning into adulthood this way of life is my “norm”, it is just the way it is. I am now finding that the learned responses are not normal, my life just was not normal.

• I learned that material things were replaceable, but never were replaced.
• I learned that getting attached to material items only gains more hurt in the end.
• I learned that people are easily to befriend, but hard to maintain friendship with relocation after relocation.

From these “norms” I formed rules.

• If I haven’t seen it or used it in a year, donation or trash it is.
• If it’s one of the, “…last minute items” tossed into a box, it’s probably trash or donation anyways.

Whoah… As a 42 year old woman (almost 43) the realization that that’s a lot of my life I haven’t retained, maintained, or stayed attached to. I’ve thrown a lot out, from pictures to people. A lot of youth who are in the system try to hold onto and keep any item that reminds them of their “safe place” or “home”. I was the exact opposite. I have mastered the practice of disconnect and not attaching to anything that’s “given” to me. It’s things that can be replaced, maybe. In a sense, I would like to defend Ms. Kondo. I fully understand what the sentiment behind what she was trying to teach, “If it doesn’t bring you joy…” I think that a lot of those who are mocking her for her statements on non-attachment are missing one key point, she’s Japanese and Zen Buddhist. Non-attachment doesn’t mean to dismiss all from your life and disconnect. It means to not allow materialistic items, negative relationships, or such own you.

I’ve compared life to a river. There’s no aspect of the river that’s permanent. The water that’s flowing is continually changing. The very edges and banks of the river are constantly eroding and sand is being carried away. If a big storm comes, and the water rises, the shape of the river can change. The water finds a new path and that becomes the new path of the river. So there’s not aspect of a river that’s permanent. Life is a lot like that. There’s no aspect of life that’s permanent. It’s when we get caught up in those moments of making things in life seem permanent that we run the risk of becoming attached. So when we attach to the permanence of things, then those things start to own us.- Noah Rasheta

In my possession are a few items that do spark joy, as Marie Kondo mentions, and has travelled to and fro by my side. I have a old school Mickey Mouse stuffed animal that has been mine since I was around 3. I kept a rocking chair that my grandfather won for me back in 1976, before I was born. I only got rid of it this year after major weather damage from being on the back patio. It was sad to see it go. But, it’s just a material item, the memories I hold of my Gramps is far greater than anything he’s ever given me.

I also have a handful of friends that have been with me since junior high (1989-1991) and seen the chaos that is my life.
Kevin, I love you to the moon and back. There is no question about that.
Veener Schliden, You’re my sister from another mister. I’d fight any dude for you.

1993 – THE BEST SUMMER of my life, downtown Seattle, WA.

The day McDonald’s never knew what was coming.

Overall, however, I find that things that bring me full joy in life are the things in this moment. As much as I collect items like Star Wars or Wonder Woman, I know that in the event I need to purge them, they can be replaced. I know that these materialistic pieces that are being donated will make someone else’s day, and I’m okay with that. 

• My pugs on either side of me, nesting in bed, while I read or play on my phone.
• Any and every time my son tells me he loves me.
• A hearty laugh with my best friend.
• Inside jokes that took 15 years to marinate and still tickle my soul each day.

Satisfying, comforting, and safe memories that are being made each minute of my day. These are the things I choose to hold on to.

. Obsessed .

So… Ack!! Let’s just start with that. AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhccckkkkkkkkk!! Shake it off, right?

I have spent the last couple years focusing on healing from my domestic violence situation. It has driven me to push forward and through the emotional traps that have sprung up over the course of my healing. I have assumed this whole time that my abuser was the wicked source of my lack of self esteem, self care, and insecurities. Boy, was I ever wrong.

Let me catch you up a bit, and then I’ll come full circle into my statement above. I have been in counseling hard core since March 2015. I have been averaging two group therapies a week, as well as a 1×1 session with my therapist bi-weekly. I have worked hard on myself, my mind, my emotions and my ability to communicate what my needs are before I break down into a suicidal depressive state. I have come to thoroughly enjoy each week and the topics the group settings introduce. I love it so much, I’m working towards Peer Counseling. My overall goal is to go back to college and finish my psych degree. I want to work with domestic violence victims and/or become a d.v. advocate. I am venturing into my 40s exactly how I wanted to two years ago when I left my abuser. “I will enter my 40s as a rock star.” As my counselor says, “You’ve always been a rock star, it’s just getting you to believe it as well.” So here I am, a freaking advocate for mental health . . . and I wouldn’t change the path it took me to get here for anything.

In these groups I have created a safe, supportive group of friends. It is amazing who your tribe begins to morph the more you grow and establish your own boundaries.  I learned to purge those from my life that were not healthy for me anymore. I learned to establish a set of boundaries by changing my vibe, especially in regards to myself. I changed my view of “me” and that allowed me to see who around me was supportive. I can honestly say I am thankful for the new troup I have built around me. I have some strong female friends to thank for that. (Karla, Julie, Mary, Suzanne, Kerry… to name a few). Changing my inner voice to question my negative self talk is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. That’s not to say, however, that I am perfect. I still have moments of doubt, it’s just not crippling or damaging anymore. Those boundaries and self discoveries aided in my ability to see romantic relationships differently as well.

After a few messy dates, and my capacity to see what was happening and not what I wanted to happen, I finally met a fantastic man. The greatest thing about this is I am not blinded by “newness” of a relationship. I went in knowing who I am, my boundaries, my strengths and weaknesses. I met someone who is in a great place spiritually and mentally as well. We are taking our time, moving slow. It helps that we’re about an hour apart from one another; that forces us to be slow. One of the biggest compliments he gave me recently, “I like that I don’t feel like I need to save you. You’re doing such a great job saving yourself.” Hell Ya I am. It is about time as well. I’ve said it quite a few times, and I will say it again, I am thankful for the path my relationship history has put me through. It has helped forge and guide me to who I am today. However, I have come to quickly realize, not only in my counseling, but from my current relationship that my abuser is not my sole focus.
My ex-husband is.

How does that work out? My ex-husband is my biggest hurdle in the ghost of relationships past. Wow. I didn’t fully recognize this until my current beau enlightened me that in almost all of our conversations I have made mention of my ex-husband. Not only have I made mention, it’s usually negative. This is not healthy. When his words landed that blow on my emotional
psyche, I ruminated on it for about an hour. He’s right, you know. I do mention my ex quite often. It’s not a “hung up on him” scenario. It’s the fact I have never really mourned our friendship. The friendship was severed beyond my control. I wanted an amicable divorce. I didn’t contest, or fight, or push. I wanted it easy, in hopes to mend and keep our friendship. We’ve known each other for 26 years; almost longer than his new wife has been alive (I think she’s 27 now). I believe, deep inside, if she wasn’t a factor in preventing him and I from talking, we’d be able to at least have closure. It was all so brash when she became involved. So where does that leave me? Apparently, it leaves him at the forefront of my mind . . . . so much more than the abuser ever was. How do I “get over it”? Or, “Let it go”?

And please, for the love of all that’s sanity, don’t sing the damned song.

How to let it go. I don’t believe in irony anymore. I firmly believe in a path of learning placed before us. I believe that angels come down and take form of  people when you’re truly in need. I believe the universe slaps us upside the head when we’re “really not getting it.” A couple weeks back the discussion in one of my group therapies was around exactly that, “Letting it go.” There was a huge discussion surrounding the fact that you can’t really, “Let it go.” That the event(s) or trauma that lead you to hold onto the pain will always be in your memory. You cannot ever really let it go. What I took from that, what I processed over and over again in my mind, was the fact that you can’t let the event go.. . but you can let the pain go. But first, you have to define exactly what the pain is.

The pain. The truth of the matter. The emotions behind the transient being taking up space and dwelling over and over again in your mind. Pain is healing and growth. But why am I holding onto it with my ex husband? I will never get my credit back. I will never get my car that was repo’d back. I will never get the ten years invested into the actual romantic relationship back. I will never get back anything invested, really. On a cognitive, rational level, I fully understand this. What good is it to harbor those memories though? Fear…? Maybe a little. Fear that I’ll be wooed into a similar relationship scenario. Anger…? Ya, there’s a lot of that. I’m angry over the fact we were friends for as long as we were and it ended in the manner it did. But, it’s done and over, right?

I need to restructure my thoughts so that I do not continue to move forward in this relationship in a way that could potentially ruin it. We’ve been divorced since 2011. Friendship, and any resulting relationship, has been finalized and severed. Closure will not happen, at least not right now. I cannot continue to harbor these thoughts. I have to let the emotions and pain surrounding the relationship go.

From the movie, “Peace, Love and Misunderstanding”

Diane: You want me to just let go of 40 years of irresponsibility, embarrassment, and her total refusal to grow up?

Jude: Yes, exactly.

Diane: [incredulous] Like a balloon that’ll just float away.

Jude: It’s not a balloon, Diane. It’s a sandbag you’ve got to drop for the balloon to get off the ground.

. I walk alone .

 

 

I had a chance to reconnect with someone from high school. Our paths crossed, but never connected. We were from different ends of the clique universe. She was a cheerleader and apart of the “in” crowd. I was from the group that got picked on by the in crowd. She, however, was never one to bully or cause problems. She was kind of quiet, from what I remember.

It’s now 21 years later and we’re adults. I posted on Craigslist for the need of strong female friends, purely platonic. I had a few answer, and one happened to be this woman from high school. At the time I did not know it. It wasn’t until we connected through facebook that it dawned on me.

We had a chance to meet up in person on Friday evening. We sat and talked for about an hour, just catching up. I asked her why our peers were relentless towards me. She could only answer for herself, “I thought you were just a loner.”

I’ve been thinking about this so much since Friday night. I wonder now how many perceived me as a loner? I was totally alone, and felt it. I was awkward and didn’t know how to connect to people. My mom says I was really unapproachable. I believe it’s heavily filtered over into my adult life. I still am a loner, and really dislike it. I’m an introvert but I believe it’s more for habit than actuality. I’d love to be able to go out and about without worrying about the crowds.

Is it possible to be one way because of habit, and not influenced by true self?

. Drops of Jupiter .

 

Life is way too short to waste…
Make every moment count.

This is so easily read,  just as easily as it is to type. Digesting it, however, is like taking a spoonful of medicine without the sugar aiding it on the way down; bitter, grainy and really hard to swallow. 

Make every moment count. Well, what happens if you wake up 39 years old and realize there are only a handful of moments you chose in your life to make count? What happens if you’re facing death, a mere 30 years if you’re lucky? What happens when mortality, and that fact that you do only have one life to live, knocks the wind out of you?

You become me. Broken, but healing. Lost, but slowly finding my way. Cynical and jaded, reclusively hiding from the world; one book, one netflix program, one video game at a time.

All I can think about, right now at 2:20 a.m. on Thursday, May 28, 2015, is that I really lived this life wrong. I have made so many horrible choices that just flushed the best years away. Most of those choices were for love. They were for men who presented love in a package that was beautifully wrapped, colorfully attired, and perfectly alluded. I was always able to see the best in even the worst of cases. What I was seeing was this brilliantly presented gift, what others could see was a torn trashbag barely holding the contents within. Because I was seeking love. I was searching for it, harder than finding a hidden bedazzled, heart-shaped geocache’. 

Irony here. My favorite quote from the Bible, “Do not arouse or awaken love until she so desires.” Song of Solomon 8:4. I first read it sitting in the most painfully dull church sermon. I absentmindedly thumbed through the Bible, and it jumped off the page at me. I was roughly 17 years old. I was eye deep in bad choices; trying to find validation and love through sex. “Do not arouse or awaken love…” Simply put, “Bitch, stop pushing. Stop fighting to be seen and loved. Stop arousing life with bad choices.”

 Choices. . . that’s a heavy word. C.h.o.i.c.e.s; each letter weighs upon my shoulders like Atlas’ own sphere he holds up. Atlas, who was punished for a choice he made with his loyalties. Atlas, whose common misconception is that he held up the Earth. Atlas held celestial spheres, a globe shape with stars, planets, systems. Humans make wishes every day, almost as many choices are made as wishes. We wish upon those stars, those celestial entities that burdens Atlas. 

If I could time travel, I would go back to pivotal moments in my life where I had made wishes upon stars, and would tell myself to pay attention to my choices, and not so much my wishes. I would travel to those moments when I had opportunities to be a stronger, vibrant, intelligent woman. I would whisper sweet nothings in my own ear, encouraging me to just love me, for everything that I am. I would hold my own hand, pat my own back, and hug myself when times were too rough. I’d offer an encouraging word when the negative in my head takes shape from the shadows around me, pulling in the dark, while it looms over me. 

I would be my own lover, my own soulmate.  

I would do all of this so that I could enjoy being me without the additional hurt I’ve put myself through; by my own words, by my own thoughts, by my own choices. I didn’t follow my creative path, because conforming was expected. I am having a midlife crisis, with a body that feels 60 years old and a mind that never emotionally matured passed mid 20s. 

I love that I am getting to know me. I love that I am working so hard at healing, counseling, and reshaping my thoughts about myself. I hate that it has taken me my whole life to get here. I hate that it has taken suicide attempts, self hate, and the desire to disappear to realize that, by God(dess), I am worth

Every breath.
Every step. 
Every fucking heart beat in my chest.
And every good choice I will make for myself from this point forward. 

Because, I am thankful to wake up and realize my big bang is still forming. That I can still create a livable, viable environment in the next 30ish years.

This point forward, I do not want any regrets. I do not want to look back and see my choices were horrible from puberty to death. I want contentment and genuine happiness; even though I’m clinically depressed. I know that I can be happy. 

A few songs of solar systems, choices, and being okay.

. Fat Girl Walking .

“Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.”

A friend and I are going to start walking. It will be slow. I will be fat, slow and out of breath. But, I will be going, one footstep, one pant, one sweaty brow at a time. I am excited to start. I am also already exhausted at the mere thought of starting.

This friend and I have been posting motivational comments, pictures and stories with one another to try to get this going. Our schedules conflict somewhat, so it’s been hard setting a launch date. People can read, see and comment on our facebook posts; even people I no longer with to associate with. These people are mainly from high school.

One of them attempted to add me on facebook. Now, I have spent a great deal of time trying to purge those I no longer want in my life. I have been trying to replace them with a troupe, or tribe, of people that are more aligned with my kinship. Best quoted by my friend above, “The people in my life all share one thing in common…they are all genuine. Seriously real, empathetic awesome people. I have no place in my life for bigots or close-minded people… and all claim different religions, or spiritual callings… yet don’t push it on others.” I need these kinds of influences, and have worked hard over the last two years to develop the boundaries and strength to do this.

The one that attempted to add me, although she’s not a bigot or close-minded, she surrounds herself with individual from my high school years that tormented me. I tried to make amends with that part of my life by attending my 10 year high school reunion in 2004. I was met with comments like, “She got as big as a school bus.” and “Who does she think she is dressing like that?” So I’m here to say, “FUCK OFF” to that era and the people who represent that era of my life. They were NOT kind to me in high school, and never grew up 10 years later. I missed out on my 20th, because, no way was I going to harm my path of healing by attending something that makes me feel more like shit about myself. This person, represents that era, those people, and those wounds.

She messaged me and said she just wanted to root us on, be our cheerleaders. Ya know what, I don’t want a cheerleader who’s expecting me to fit into some ideal of weight loss from high school on. See, I’m a fat woman. I am fat. I weight 324 lbs. There, I put it out there. “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” I was large in high school, BUT NOT OBESE. I was thick, curvy and muscular from JROTC. But, I was called lard ass, fat ass, and cow by those very peers that later called me a school bus.

I am not walking to lose weight, for them or for me. I am not walking to “lose weight.” I am walking to increase my breathing function, especially due to my Sarcoidosis. I am walking to build my endurance. I am walking to free my mind of the thoughts that have been weighing me down; THAT’S THE ONLY WEIGHT I AM LOOKING TO LOSE.

See, I am happy with who I am. If I walk and never lose an ounce, I am more okay with that than anything else in my life. If I walk, and retain the body gifted to me by my maker(s), then by God, I WILL enjoy my BODY. Those that I choose to have in my life, well, they will also love me for who I am. They will not love me for trying to change myself… in anyway; weight, mind, body, soul. This is my life. I am okay with myself, body included.

All this comes down to one thing… You didn’t support me then, don’t try to support me now. I’ve created boundaries for myself. You’re not apart of that inner boundary I have. Thank you for your attempt to cheer me/us on, thank you for trying. But as I move forward into my 40s, I’m doing this my way.

The “nots” and what not.

I am flooded with vile images and statements about being fat; whether it’s echoes from my childhood, or from my doctor, or from my own cynical self loathing mind. Just type the word “fat” into google and see what comes up. Hell, there’s even a “all fat people must die” subcategory on reddit dedicated to mocking, hating and threatening people who are overweight.

Where do I fit in on this planet? Transgendered individuals have more respected space in our society than an overweight person does. Think about that for a moment. What the hell is wrong with people?

My worth is not defined by my weight. It just is not. I have so many amazing qualities that are unfortunately packaged in an unflattering body; ironically it’s only unflattering because we are in a society that pushes image more than anything else.

I am not a thin woman.
I do not fit in the conventional, conformed ideas of what being a woman is.
I am not okay in my head, I have a lot of struggles.
I am not fat, I have a lot of fat. 
I am not defined by my weight. 

I know that I am worthy of love that I give to others. I know my worth. I have, however, lost all faith in the process anymore; the romance, and the “whole wooing the woman you want for the rest of your life ideals”.

I’m have a lot of fat on me, a lot. I also know that if you put me in a line of women, I would never get chosen. Men see with their eyes. They’re very vain and physically driven. The reality, the “raw” of it, is that my humor, intellect and personality are no longer in the running. We are, unfortunately, a society that bases everything on first looks. And I’m too old to try. My youth is no longer on my side. All that remains are the great things that reside inside of me. But it takes someone interested to take the time, get to know me, and learn of my positives. This will never happen because the convenience of everything “in your face” has caused our attention spans to focus on this moment. In this moment, all that can be taken in is my short, morbidly obese, body size. 

I am coming around to the fact that we are just broken. Our society has become so instant gratification and throw away, that dating does not exist. It really doesn’t anymore. Social media, hook-up sites, and airing all our shit on blogs (Yes, that includes my blog as well) has caused us to give up caring about soul connecting. We no longer look for the great person inside of the other person. 

Well, not all of us, I am seeking a deeper soul connection. I’ve had to go through hell and back to come to that realization, but that is what I want. So, knowing that in this life a deeper soul connection isn’t going to happen for me, because we’re so image and body size conscious that most people no longer have the “time” to connect in that manner, I am coming to terms with being alright with my dogs and being alone.

 

. Bad Seed .

PLEASE CLICK THE PICTURE TO READ THE FULL ARTICLE. IT’S WORTH THE MOMENT TO READ THE EXPERIMENT AND READ THE OUTCOME. IT RESONATED WITH ME.

— In the pic below: Left facing apple got glowing, positive input. Right facing apple got all smack talk.
Words can make you sick. And heavy. And dark.
Words can make you light. And radiant. And energized.
Words infuse.
Words refuse.
Words bless.
Words protect.
Words energize.
Words heal.

MORE OF THIS ARTICLE CAN BE READ BY CLICKING THE APPLE PICTURE

 

I really needed to read this today. WOrking and processing through my counseling appointment last week, which was geared around negative self talk vs. positive self talk, this was a visual example of what is taking place.

In an odd observation, I find it rather cathartic and hopeful that the “Bad Apple” is in the hand of the arm with a butterfly tattoo. It may be preserved, internally, as bad, but it has a chance of metamorphosis. The seeds are still there. The seeds can be replanted, thus creating a new growth.

We all have the potential for new growth. We just need to wash away the “rotten” words we keep fertilizing our mind, body and soul with. We need to turn over the soil, and learn to water, feed and encourage in a more positive manner.

. Getting Happy with Life .

So, Easter came and went. I spent it with my mother watching a few movies. No Easter dinner, no treats, just a quiet evening with mom. I am so okay with that, no complaints here. I did notice, however, that a lot of friends posted a lot of family pictures; usually husbands or wives with kids running amuck.

Today is the day after Easter. Today, I am processing my thoughts and feelings. I am lonely. I wanted nothing more than to have someone amazing to hop in the car with me and go check out some ruins, ghost towns, old mills… anything worthy of photographing. I love my mom, but, it just didn’t meet the needs of my desires and dreams.

Today, because of the lonely, I found myself checking out Craigslist’s dating profiles. Don’t judge, I was curious. I got about five profile in and stopped. I literally said to myself out loud, “I don’t want this. I’m not ready for this.” However, in my head I was saying, “You’re too fat, you gargantuan lard ass.” Yes, literally those are the words and voices that go through my head.

I continually tell myself that once my mental and spiritual well being is back on a healthy path, my physical will follow too. Now, I am highly doubting this is even a possibility. I’ve been toying with the idea of a bariatric surgery. I Just don’t know anymore.

The only thing that I do know, for sure without a doubt, is that I AM continuing on the path of counseling and healing. I just told my counselor last week that, “If I die alone, I’ll be completely okay with that.” I feel there is strength and validity behind what I said. I mean it, to the fullest. But that does not alleviate the fact that I had a very lonely, “alone”, moment this weekend.

I am truly content with my dogs and my son. I can come and go. However, I would love to be able to have someone jump on board and travel with me…. someone besides my mother. I am almost damned near 40 yrs old. I want to see and photograph many things. . . with someone fun; a soul mate. This does not mean a lover. This is just some with the same vibe that can swoop in and fly with me.

Part of the problem being this age and finally finding myself, is that all my friends are already found; husbands/wives, kids, jobs they’ve held for 15+ years, a sense of self. I look at myself as a failure because of the sheer amount of jobs I’ve been on.

All of these negative thoughts and life identifiers is exactly why I need to stay put, stay in counseling and continue to grow…..

Alone.

(For now at least)

Try.. do they like you…

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

The question, “Do you like you” literally crippled me incapable to continue what I was doing when this song came onto iHeart. I had never heard it before, but damned if the Universe’s gift to me on Christmas was a soul penetrating song that forced me to stop in my tracks and tune in. I leaned against the counter (as I was doing dishes) and just listened. Unfortunately, I couldn’t rewind it. When I finished with the dishes, I headed to my laptop to pull up the video. Even more amazed at how beautiful this video is.

We’re dawning on a new year. This has to be the hardest holiday season ever for me. Before, I could numb myself to it, just live through whatever was surrounding me. But this year, I am necessitated into really looking at myself. I have made choices that has obligated me at looking into my life and why I have arrived here, at this moment. I have to stop trying, I do. I have to let go. I know that’s a running theme in my blog. I really need to stop going backwards. I need to look at now, right now. I had a friend send me a picture:

Purpose. 2015 will be devoted to finding MY purpose. I have a reason why I’m here. I have to. No one person should, has to, is meant to go through all of this. 

I vow to myself to be present, mindful, of myself; me and only me. I don’t mean to come across as selfish, but I really need to repair everything, from my outer surface to my inner core.

I vow not to “change” anything about myself, but instead, learn to accept, adapt and incorporate every part of me I think is flawed. Every part I think people judge me on. Every part of me I apologize for, over and over again.

I vow to stop apologizing… for just existing. I wish I could see “me” as everyone else does.

I vow to forgive myself. This is going to be the biggest struggle for me. Forgiveness. I am so ready and willing to forgive everyone in my life, but myself. Why is that?

I vow to finally, fully, like who I am. To stop putting off the impression that I am “fine”, or that I am “strong”, or that I actually like myself. I know how to put that impression out there if I need to, when it’s appropriate. But, no more. Raw, real and me in all scenarios of my life. All walks. All persons. Me, take it or leave it… but do so with respect.

Because, you as well as everyone else, deserves the love and respect that you give to others.

It gets easier with age…

I will be the first to say that I am in no shape, no way, no want of a new love in my life. But, I am still healing and processing this last very painful heartbreak. I have no desire to find a mate right now. No desire to put myself out there. However, I don’t want to become bitter towards love. I am a dreamer. Just as the gif above says, I have an idea of love in my head. It does not make me wrong, or inept, or unworthy in ANY WAY! I want to nourish and flourish what is already deep inside of me. I do not want to bury myself behind fear and anger.

I had a friend say to me recently, “I feel something. It’s small but I think I feel as if you’re feeling a little better. It’s like a cinder, but there is potential to blaze up.” I can only wish that this ember is burning, and will ignite with fully ready to. I want to hold onto that flame of hope that I feel is slowly dying with each dawning morning. I’m impatient and pushy, I want it now. Here’s why I want it now:

I see my mom, 60+ years old and alone. She’s completely given up on the prospect of love, life and pursuing anything that may actually bring her joy.I do not want to morph into the same person she is. I have hope, and I don’t want that hope crushed. 

My aunt said to me, “You get involved, the relationship hits a stale mate because there isn’t enough in it to sustain it, then you create chaos to reaffirm your already existing feelings of inadequacy.” This last relationship did not hit a ‘stale mate’. It hit a wall of depression. It hit a cross roads of two people from varying avenues in life, with two very radical views of love, dreaming, future and hopes. Doesn’t make him wrong, just makes him very wrong for me. I hope he finds who he’s looking for; a woman that can nourish and grow with his “day to day” ideals. 

Then she said, “Stop trying to create a nuclear family with men who don’t give a shit about you. It won’t change.” She couldn’t be far from the truth. I also find it rather insulting that she would make blank statements that crush whatever dream I have brewing within me. Her life has been filled with creating nuclear families with men who do not care. She’s truly projecting onto me her own inadequacies. That’s her burden to bare, not mine. 

There is nothing wrong with being a woman who wants love. We all deserve love. But most importantly, I deserve to love myself.

“Searching all directions
with one’s awareness,
one finds no one dearer
than oneself.
In the same way, others
are fiercely dear to themselves.
So one should not hurt others
if one loves oneself.”  – Thanissaro Bhikkhu

The gist of this quote, which is often misquoted as being a Buddha quote, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

In the end, I am thankful for each of my horribly broken relationships. I am even thankful for my bent, broken self. I can only learn and grow from here. I can only take what has happened and process it in a manner that will benefit my love life, my life, and what I can contribute.