I keep having this dream, same dream for the most part. But last night, one aspect of the dream changed.

It is an abandoned house in Lacey, WA. (It’s not real, not that I can find anyways.. just where my mind keeps placing the house.) It’s beautiful, but totally abandoned. It’s fully furnished, but it’s like the family just got up and walked away. It sits on a slight hillside, with a long curvy dirt road that goes up to it. It’s white, and multiple leveled.

My son is usually in all the dreams with me, and we explore the house. We sneak in, and go through all the things that are left behind. Sometimes, there are squatters in the house. Sometimes it has more furniture. Sometimes we find journals and items of the family that lived there.

I dreamt of the house again last night. But the difference was, there was a family moving in. The family was there, wife was pregnant. They were tossing out the old furniture. I approached them asking them for any prewwII items, war propaganda, big bands, etc. I told them about the novel I was writing, and  how these items could help me finish the novel. He agreed.

They were a black family. All I can really remember is how stark white the house looked against their skin.

Day 11  Vocabulary –  If you could eliminate one word from your brain forever—what would it be? (Author: Meadow DeVor)

If I could remove, annihilate, demolish, destroy, eliminate…. you get the idea… one word from my vocabulary… it would be the word Fat.

Fat is a horrible, vile, word that my mind consistently yells at me. My negative talk about my body is horrific. I would never talk to a friend that way, hell or even a stranger. But yet, I allow myself to say these things to myself over and over again. I would totally take on the internal war of words I have going on.

Day 7. Ease - What can you do to add ease to 2012?

Day 8. Lessons -  What lessons did you learn?

I have learned this year that I am who I am, and I am learning to like me rather than fight me. My sister said to me tonight, “I remember when you were rad. You were this cross between hippie, punk, rockabilly, fun girl. I remember stealing your clothes because they were cool, and I wanted to wear them. I am glad to see that you’re finding that again in you.” I really am, who I really am, when no one is looking. But, with what my sister said, someone is always looking.

 I have learned this year that worry makes you sick, literally and figuratively. Being diagnosed with a fucked up disease has taught me to look at life in front of me, this very day, and try not to anticipate the future… it is what it is. As I move into 2012, I will remind myself that look at life in this moment, and TRY not to fret myself sick for the next year.

This year I have learned a bit more of who I am, and what I enjoy. I may not be prefect at it, but damn if I haven’t continued to try making it better.  As I move into 2012, to ease my life some, I will remember the creative side as well. I will try not to get so worked up over life itself, I forget the things I enjoy:
Writing, Photography, Friends, Painting, Karaoke.
I have branched out a lot this year and testing myself to see what my likes and dislikes are. I will keep that snowball rolling down hill and growing momentum.
I will look into other things I find interesting, and at least try them once.

This year I have learned my worth, and it is SO much more than I have ever given credit for. It is SO much more than I have ever allowed others to give me credit for.  I have a lot to give, and I am worth giving it to others. I am also worth not allowing others to take it, abuse it, or hurt me in the long run. I have learned my boundaries, and , I am strong enough to set them.
As I ease into 2012, I will continue to remind myself that I do have a lot to give.

Live is truly a gift, and now that I respect and acknowledge that, I plan on not wasting one more minute of mine. This is a lesson I learned the hard way: Cancer Scare, Surgery… then another biopsy surgery and a weird ass discovered disease.

As I move into 2012, I have decided to go back to school and finish… finally. I am going to find a path that suits my desires and creativeness.

To end this post, I want to leave these words:

© All Rights Reserved - Frog in Your Throat

Day 6. Difficulties - What was the most difficult part of 2011?

All of 2011 has been difficult, every single little bit of it. Difficulties were, but not limited to:

Leaving my Ex.
Getting him to file for divorce.
Fighting the battles with my son surrounding the divorce.
Moving out, on my own and discovering my own strength.
Surviving unemployment and being laid off.
Depression, and getting up each day regardless.
Dating . . .  

Each of these areas I have learned the lessons in life; except maybe the dating one. I’m still struggling with that one. So, this blog is going to be short, here’s a video to kind of sum up my thoughts on it.

Day 5.  Surprises: What was one thing that surprised you in 2011?

The one thing that surprised me the most in 2011 – My perseverance. I put my mind to something, and I did it. I have some pretty low, weak depressive moments, but I did it. I am surviving daily. It hasn’t broken me. I am making it through thick or thin. 

I am grateful for my friends who remind me of this strength as well; especially in my moments of weakness. They remind me it is healthy to have these moments, but, it also is encouraging. It’s good to know there are friends out there, whether in person or on the internet, who can provide the shoulder to lean on when I need it most. I am truly fulfilled with them in my life. 

Here’s a shout out to some of them:
Zain – In my lowest moment, you were there. I can only return the favor when you need 

Midnight Red –  Even though a lot of what you’ve shared with me, in turn encouraging me, has been privately between us… your words have meant more than you’ll ever know. Your soul, means more than you ever know. Your strength, even more so.

Witchypoo – I love you. ’nuff said. We’ve been through thick and thin, distance and fights, support for one another. I will be there for you, and I know if tables were turned, you’d be there for me.

Lost & Drowning – We may be many miles apart, but I feel a kinship with you. We’re going through the same thing right now… and that alone has forged a great friendship. Here’s to 2012 bringing us more than we could ever fathom. You deserve it!

The rest, you know who you are, thank you for reading this blog. It’s been ongoing for almost three years now.. and I am thankful for that. 

© by sockie on deviant art

Day 4. Beauty - How have your standards of beauty shifted in the past year?

My standards of beauty has shifted this year, mainly within myself. I am learning that I am who I am; genetics, weight, and all. I am learning to look in a mirror and tell myself, “You Are Beautiful.”

I am so proactive in it, that I joined the “You are Beautiful” project.  I love it. I have put stickers that say “You Are Beautiful” all over the place; in my car, on my  mirror, on my laptop. Places I see and can continue to remind myself.

I’m not 100% there, but, I feel better about myself than I did a year ago. People are beautiful; regardless of shape or size. 

All Rights Reserved!! Beautiful Picture by ©TodirutVlad

Day 3
Year in Review - As you reflect back on the happenings of 2011, what were your high points and what were your low points? What do you notice as you look back on the year as a whole?

Highlights of this year, 2011, are varied. I will do my best to jot down those that stand out the most.

What do I notice when I look back over the last year as a whole? I notice changes in me, and in those around me. The choices I am making for myself have improved who I have in my life as well. Changes is key, and I will continue to change throughout the coming year.

Best Highlights:

I had the opportunity to go against the grain and work a position that I have never done before. I was a Video Game Tester. Although contracted briefly, it was one of the more excited experiences of my  life. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wish I could have stayed longer, but, I wasn’t able to prove myself as a game tester and my contract was pulled. It’s ok, it was an eye opening experience. And for that, I am truly grateful.

I left my husband, finally. After living three years in discomfort and depression, I made my mind up to leave. It was hard, I won’t lie. It was hard on him, my son and myself. I wish things could have remained amicable with him, I wish we could still be the friends we were since 1988; prior to marriage. But, alas, it is another lesson learned. What I primarily learned about myself in leaving him, was that I am strong. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I did it. I made a move to change my life.

My relationship with my son has become stronger, despite some of the negative things I’ve posted about recently. I can only respect his anger and frustration over the divorce. I can only encourage him healthier ways to express those angry feelings. But, in the end, he’s 15 and still tells me he loves me… a lot.. and in front of his friends. I can only cherish that.

I have started the mending process with my relationship with my mom, and other family members. This is a HUGE step for me. I am thankful I took the steps to start counseling, and even more thankful for the lessons learned in counseling. Without their support, without their unconditional love, I am grateful for the tools I’ve learned to work on better relationships.

Finally, I am going to say that I am a positive for the year 2011. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned my boundaries with others, and how to express them in a healthy manner. I have learned so much about myself, that I never thought possible. I can only grow from here.

Worst Highlights:

 I would have to say the worst highlight for me this year has been my lay offs, a few bad choices, and the day I was pretty suicidal. I had forgotten my own strength, my own survival skills. If I didn’t have my son, I probably would have ended it all.

© all rights reserved - Nelleke

Reverb11 – Day 2: Writing

Day 2. Writing - What piece of writing are you most proud of from 2011? How does this piece differ from your other pieces?

The piece I am most proud of writing is the novel I have been working on. I am proud of this piece because, although it has been in the works for a few years now, I am actually doing it. I work on it whenever I have time, or character ideas. It has been the one project I have started and see an end in sight.
Without giving too much information away about my novel, it’s a supernatural based novel. It is somewhat of a love story. It takes place in current day and prohibition era Seattle. 

Other pieces I am proud of are listed under My Writing tab. I am slowly working on “I Carry Your Heart.” It is another novel that started from “Flash Fiction Thursday” prompts. I only want to focus on one at a time, however. 

To follow, and participate, the REVERB11 prompts, please go to this page on my blog: REVERB11

Day 1. One Word - Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

One word I would use to describe 2011 is Turbulence. 

Turbulence: the quality or state of being turbulent;  violent disorder or commotion. 

In a year I have gone from married and ‘secure’, or so I thought, to separated and struggling.  But, even though life has had moments of heavy turbulence, I have come out at the end still flying high. My vessel hasn’t been grounded yet. I haven’t been forced to land and give in. I am making it, I am doing it, I am coming out happier than I have been in years; despite my depressive moments.

When I reflect on 2012, I want my word to be Winning!

Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. ~ Karen Horney 

I woke up early this morning with the words of my sister replaying over and over. “I’ve always thought of you as tough and your ability to bounce back. And wanted to have that ability. You have taken every weakness and turned it into something powerful. Every hurt and hit and turned it into something miraculous. And you WILL get through this bump.”

Amazing it takes someone that we really don’t ever talk to much to point out the very things about you that you have forgotten. I’ve been thinking about what she said for a day now, and they’ve weighed heavy on me. I’ll be damned if I let this heaviness win. I took that stubborn bullish side of me, and set out to make a change this morning.

I woke up, went pee. I put coffee on, and let it brew while I took the dog out so she too could pee.  I made a cup of coffee, grabbed a pop tart, and sat down at my computer. I logged into Highline Community College’s website and looked through their degree program guide. I started my FASFA application. I will go back to school. 

Small steps, are steps none the less. Small steps will turn into a domino effects. I just need to sit down with someone and decide what I want to do. Here are my interests, needs and desires:

 I need something that will be creative and challenging enough to keep me intrigued, entertained and going.

I want something that pushes me, challenges me, and teaches me new things daily.

I like
Photography, Writing, Journalism, Graphic Design, Marketing Designs (brochures, pamphlets, invitations, wine labels, etc.)
I also like social media – forums, postings, article writing, etc. 

Now to find something that will incorporate all of those.