Shit I work out in counseling – Although it’s not really worked out it, it’s just floated to the surface.
I never really realized how .. mean I am to myself until a friend said something the other day about western state. Aparently during the hike, I was beating myself up under my breath. I mean, I know I am in my mind. I never realized how vocal I am about it. I thought it was primarily in my mind.
But I catch my mom doing it.
“I’m such a dumb ass”
“What a fucking idiot”
And then I noticed … I do it too. “Come on fat ass.”…”cow” fat ass” toad” dumbass” ugly nasty cow”.
The truth behind all the fat / body positive posts is that I’m hiding behind that.
I would love to be substantially thinner; 180 ish.
I flood my page and my eyes/mind with images that it’s okay to be a fat girl; because that’s all I am.
But, I hate it. I hate not having energy. I hate being short of breath because of my sarcoid AND my weight. The two combined are killing me.
I would love to be able to wear clothes that I find adorable, unfortunately they stop at size 22.
I hide behind it, because I’m trying to convince myself I’m okay.
I’m talking this out with a friend. She says to me, “What would YOU tell you? If all those “tapes” disappeared, what would you really say to you?”
Truth be told. If I memory banks were magically wiped, I would be reverted to a child like state. I would have no clue how to positively encourage myself. I have never had that.I have never, in my life, been reinforced. Or taught how to reinforce confidence myself.
That’s a sad, sad thought.
Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?
The question, “Do you like you” literally crippled me incapable to continue what I was doing when this song came onto iHeart. I had never heard it before, but damned if the Universe’s gift to me on Christmas was a soul penetrating song that forced me to stop in my tracks and tune in. I leaned against the counter (as I was doing dishes) and just listened. Unfortunately, I couldn’t rewind it. When I finished with the dishes, I headed to my laptop to pull up the video. Even more amazed at how beautiful this video is.
We’re dawning on a new year. This has to be the hardest holiday season ever for me. Before, I could numb myself to it, just live through whatever was surrounding me. But this year, I am necessitated into really looking at myself. I have made choices that has obligated me at looking into my life and why I have arrived here, at this moment. I have to stop trying, I do. I have to let go. I know that’s a running theme in my blog. I really need to stop going backwards. I need to look at now, right now. I had a friend send me a picture:
Purpose. 2015 will be devoted to finding MY purpose. I have a reason why I’m here. I have to. No one person should, has to, is meant to go through all of this.
I vow to myself to be present, mindful, of myself; me and only me. I don’t mean to come across as selfish, but I really need to repair everything, from my outer surface to my inner core.
I vow not to “change” anything about myself, but instead, learn to accept, adapt and incorporate every part of me I think is flawed. Every part I think people judge me on. Every part of me I apologize for, over and over again.
I vow to stop apologizing… for just existing. I wish I could see “me” as everyone else does.
I vow to forgive myself. This is going to be the biggest struggle for me. Forgiveness. I am so ready and willing to forgive everyone in my life, but myself. Why is that?
I vow to finally, fully, like who I am. To stop putting off the impression that I am “fine”, or that I am “strong”, or that I actually like myself. I know how to put that impression out there if I need to, when it’s appropriate. But, no more. Raw, real and me in all scenarios of my life. All walks. All persons. Me, take it or leave it… but do so with respect.
Because, you as well as everyone else, deserves the love and respect that you give to others.
I’m going to just leave this right here. Process it how you must.
“As a society, we assess the seriousness of a suicide attempt based on the severity of the method. If you didn’t use one of the more lethal methods, you didn’t really mean it. You weren’t committed to it (see what I did there?), you were just seeking attention.
In short: your pain is not valid.
This is a perspective rooted in ignorance, and it further perpetuates discrimination against those of us who struggle with minds that sabotage us into believing that we’d be better off dead.”
Brought to you by an amazing project called, “Live Through This“