First, I wanted to say, I created this blog coming up on ten years. TEN YEARS!!! I reflect back and think about why I created my blog and how it has grown into what it is now. I used to write a lot, almost daily, in this blog. I created this blog during a pretty dark depression state. The original title was, “365 Days of Gratitude”. I would force myself to post something, anything, during my thick haze of anxiety and depression that I was thankful for. Daily posts were needed at first. It was a coping skill to learn to work through the fog and practice mindfulness. My blog then became a morphed version of 365 Days of Gratitude and finally settled upon “Authentically Me”. As I have fully become the most authentic self I am at present.
Although my posts are more sporadic moments, and not daily as before, it’s where the magic happens; reflection and growth can actually be seen through the words. Seldom posts is actually a really good sign. It means, I have strengthened my coping mechanisms during depression to the point that it’s become habit. Through growth and self reflection, I now blog about what I’ve learned, observed, and how specifically it has enabled the growth. Holy Toledo Batman! I have come a long way. With that said, I’m here to blog about one of those growth moments that occurred last night.
I have been wrecked with insomnia, depression, and anxiety the last few nights. I couldn’t figure out why; I’m in a great place mentally currently. I have little frustrations, but they’re definitely small enough to work through without wrecking me. I’m in love with a great man, after taking much needed time to myself. I live on my own, first time ever. My health is okay. My bills are paid. My work is going really well. However, during this stage of contentment, I have found myself sinking again. Instead of allowing it to consume, I use those previously mentioned coping mechanisms to dissect, process and define why the quicksand is trying to pull me under. The rabbit hole began with one facebook memory post. The memory I found myself reading was of an entry post-abuse I made here on WordPress (I’ve linked it if you wish to read or reread it): Catching Up.
I re-read the blog I had written six years ago. I cringed and cried with each painfully written word. I put myself right back there, six years ago, when nerves were raw and self hate was afire. I remember that woman very well. I allowed myself to feel each emotion as it presented itself. It was a reminder that it is okay to not be okay. In allowing myself to feel it, I also allowed myself to move past it while processing the feelings surroundings it; move past it is the key words. I didn’t unpack my baggage in Murkville and stay in the depression that greeted my arrival. I then re-read the entry again, but this time I did so in a therapeutic eye. I read the words like a Gypsy reads the cards, looking for the symbolism and meanings behind what I had written six years ago.
Six years ago I left an abusive man, in that moment and time, I also left behind my strong will, my strength, my individualism, my unique inner light that makes me, “me”. I left behind self-esteem, self-care, and so much more. I left in somewhat of a hollow shell. I wrote out a timeline so I could really dive into it all.
It’s been 6 years to the date on my first suicide attempt.
- 1.9.14 – he kicked my ass, bad, after he got pissed because the pharmacy costs were more than I had in the bank.
- 1.16.14 – kicked my ass for not showing up at his work to get him. We lived four blocks away.
- 1.18.14 – he punched me in the face, while I was driving 70 on the freeway, because I got lippy with him. Or as he said, “running your fat fucking mouth”. He went to jail that night. I tried to kill myself for a second time. “The only way I’m going to get out of this is if he dies, or I do.”
- 1.22.14 – is the date I fled.
Even in that numb and vacant blog entry six years ago, I still felt hope. I felt that “ME” was still in there screaming to be heard. I had ended the blog entry with three simple sentences.
But I will dance again.
I will love again.
I will love me first and far most. I, just as everyone else, is worthy of my love and respect.
1.3.2020 – Today, I reflect back and allow these three sentences to reverb throughout my soul.
“But I will dance again.” – Not only have I learned to dance again, I have embraced the dance, missteps, and routine. It all takes practice, my friends. Practice and patience with self. No more self-deprecating words when I make a mistake. No more berating thoughts when I’m too slow, too tired, too fat. I allow myself to be present, in the moment, and learn from whatever it is the Universe is trying to remind me of.
“I will love again. I will love me first and foremost. I, just as everyone else, is worthy of my love and respect.” – MAN what a powerful statement I wrote, 6 years ago. SO Powerful.
I never really stopped loving others; only myself. So the statement should say, “I will love myself, and learn a healthier method of loving others.” You’re allowed to be reserved with your love and kindness. Not everyone is going to reciprocate the same love you give them. SO STOP GIVING PIECES OF YOURSELF AWAY TO OTHERS, UNLESS THEY’VE PROVEN TO BE WORTHY OF THE BEST OF WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER. I am firmly against the saying that you can’t find love until you learn to love yourself. No, you can find love, as love is all around us, it more of what kind of love you attract depending on what you see in yourself. I learned that I am worth loving, even loving myself first and foremost. I am a pretty awesome gal, I wish I took the time to get to know me earlier in life.
What does all this mean? It means that subconsciously the trauma stays. It will resurface unknowingly, at random times, without preview. It means that it’s all in how you receive it, you can either allow it to blindside you, knocking you down for the count. Or, you can acknowledge it lingering, welcome it in, and work with it to heal through whatever the subconscious message may be.
This time, my message was simple, “Look at how far you’ve come. You have an amazing love of self, love of life, and attracted an unbelievably great person to be your partner.” Six years ago, I knew it was possible, it was just my inner self working hard at making my full embodiment believe it. I really wish my DV therapist, DV group, and my personal therapist could see me now. Man, what a success I am.
Will I be A-OK from here on out? Mostly.
Will depression and anxiety be a thing of the past? Definitely not.
Will I be able to navigate rough waters when a storm presents? Oh to the Hell YES.
Will I still need depression medications? Most likely. (Nothing wrong with medications, as it is an illness not an attention seeking attitude).
2020 – I BELIEVE
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”- Vivian Greene