. Writing . · Abuse · Batterer · Beauty · Belief · Blessings · Body Positive · Buddha · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Counseling · Forgiveness · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Journey · Love · My Life · Positivity · Self Acceptance · Self Esteem · Self Love · Spirit

. Life and Lotus .


“I am blooming from the wound where I once bled.” – Rune Lazuli

Holy Emotional Flashback Batman!

 When things like this come up in your memory feed two things can happen. It will either cause reflection, or, it will cause a crippling domino effect. For me, reflection is deep today.  If you had met me five years ago, when this screenshot was taken, you would have found the crippling, devastating effect.  I was still being triggered daily by the abuse. In that dark, murky mud, I never thought I’d come out healthy. I never thought I’d be able to bloom. No mud, no lotus. 

I have seen jewelry with the quote, “No mud, no lotus.” I never fully understood it. I knew the gist of it, the organic earthen side. The lotus doesn’t grow like most plants, dirt, water, sun, air. The lotus grows deeply rooted in murk and mud. It is surrounded by bugs, pests, fish, algae, and a deep, dark, dankness. Sometime around my 40th birthday (three years ago) a light went on and I fully recognized the correlation between life and lotus.

“The lotus flower blooms most beautifully from the deepest and thickest mud.” – Buddhist Proverb

The lotus gained its symbolism because its life begins deeply rooted that mucky, muddy pond. Even though it begins in mud, as it blooms, each individual petal is unblemished, unscarred from the the mire below. The lotus represents growing through adversity, trials, tribulations, and conflicts. The lotus represents the strength it takes to bloom in spite of, and when it blooms the beauty she shares with the world is indescribable. 

“A blessed state in which the individual transcends desire and suffering and attains Nirvana” – Buddhist Proverb

The word karma is from Sanskrit, where, fittingly, it refers to one’s work as well as one’s fate.  I could have very well ended up the murk and mud, being pulled under into the sludge. I could have listened to the horrible things that were said to me during the time of abuse. I could have believed the truth of my worth is held hostage in the echoing of those words. I just could not connect to who I was anymore, as I could only see myself through his eyes. “Toad”, “Worthless”, “It’s like putting makeup on a pig”, “Unwanted”, and so many more.

I was determined to overcome. I was determined to do the work and push my authentic self through his sludgy marsh. I was not his words. I was not his abuse. In that moment, five years ago, I was weakened by his constant attempts to suffocate me through social media and stalking. I wanted to wipe away anything and everything that defined me; my poetry, my artwork, my photography…. Me.   I am the lotus.

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at His feet. – Gandhi

In the five years since, I have worked hard on me; every single aspect of me. I am not perfect, but I am accepting of my flaws. I no longer reside in the suffering. I have moments where wounds reopen, but they do not overpower me. These wounds are areas seen that need additional healing. I ask myself, “What was the trigger?” and “What would be the best way to work through this?” I take the blood from my wounds and and form a new petal.   I am the lotus.

Now, as I sit and reflect on that moment and move into mindfulness, I am amazed and proud of myself.
I have an amazing job.
I have a great little studio apartment, with relaxing zen garden.
I have successfully purchased my own car.
My pugs are happy.
I am genuinely happy.

But this grew from nothing. This grew from self hate to self love. This grew from his poisonous swamp to my sunlit soul. 

I am the lotus.

Belief · Blessings · Buddha · Changes · Changing · Depression · Fear · Friends · Friendship · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Journey · My Life · Self Love · Spirit

. Disconnected Attachments .

Kondo

There has been a lot of discussion, negative and positive, around Marie Kondo’s “purging your life, decluttering your space” comments. “Get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy…” has prompted a firestorm of meme’s in her honor; a lot of which are in mocking or attacking way.

As I sit back in my (yet again) new place, I think about this last move and the process of moving overall. It has taken this move, the 5th in two years, for me to identify why this is such a source of anxiety to me. It also took a discussion with my housemates to help me process further, and a comment from a friend who defined the root of my anxiety to finite detail. It all comes down to de-cluttering vs. attachments. So, I would like to offer another perspective on the sentiments Ms. Kondo has shared.

Before I go into the deep seed by the name of, “Anxietatem Inordinatio” that has been growing and taking root within my soul, let me share this last move to you. We received notice in January that our previous landlord decided not to renew our lease. Our lease was up at the end of March, however, we discussed with the landlord if we could be out a month earlier; she wanted to move family into her rental and we had an opportunity that we couldn’t pass up. We decided, that this time, this move, we were hiring movers. Such a novel idea, pay someone to move your crap for you. However, the reality is, you’re still responsible for sorting, purging, and packing your items. Thus watering the rooted seed that was planted deep within my soul at a very young age and spreading throughout my psyche with rapid strangling vines.

Packing. Sorting. Purging. . . yet again in my life.
Packing. Sorting. Purging.
Which should really read, “Water. Sowing. Sprouting… these suffocating roots taking hold of my soul again.” So the gist is, this simple act of packing is a huge trigger for anxiety. I was triggered. I was anxious, snippy, pissy for a month prior to “THE MOVE”.

As a child we moved A LOT. So much in fact, I believe in my primary years I attended every elementary school in the Kent School District. In my teen years, I was in/out of foster homes, lived with friends, never really knew where I’d lay my head or what crazy was going to uproot my false sense of security again. The only time in my life I can remember staying in one place longer than a year was during my marriage. I perfected the art of packing, purging, moving, and unpacking.  All of this relocation has carved a canyon in my soul that is filled with anxiety, disconnection, and depression. I learned transitioning into adulthood this way of life is my “norm”, it is just the way it is. I am now finding that the learned responses are not normal, my life just was not normal.

  • I learned that material things were replaceable, but never were replaced.
  • I learned that getting attached to material items only gains more hurt in the end.
  • I learned that people are easily to befriend, but hard to maintain friendship with relocation after relocation.

From these “norms” I formed rules.

  • If I haven’t seen it or used it in a year, donation or trash it is.
  • If it’s one of the, “…last minute items” tossed into a box, it’s probably trash or donation anyways.

Whoah… As a 42 year old woman (almost 43) the realization that that’s a lot of my life I haven’t retained, maintained, or stayed attached to. I’ve thrown a lot out, from pictures to people. A lot of youth who are in the system try to hold onto and keep any item that reminds them of their “safe place” or “home”. I was the exact opposite. I have mastered the practice of disconnect and not attaching to anything that’s “given” to me. It’s things that can be replaced, maybe. In a sense, I would like to defend Ms. Kondo. I fully understand what the sentiment behind what she was trying to teach, “If it doesn’t bring you joy…” I think that a lot of those who are mocking her for her statements on non-attachment are missing one key point, she’s Japanese and Zen Buddhist. Non-attachment doesn’t mean to dismiss all from your life and disconnect. It means to not allow materialistic items, negative relationships, or such own you.

I’ve compared life to a river. There’s no aspect of the river that’s permanent. The water that’s flowing is continually changing. The very edges and banks of the river are constantly eroding and sand is being carried away. If a big storm comes, and the water rises, the shape of the river can change. The water finds a new path and that becomes the new path of the river. So there’s not aspect of a river that’s permanent. Life is a lot like that. There’s no aspect of life that’s permanent. It’s when we get caught up in those moments of making things in life seem permanent that we run the risk of becoming attached. So when we attach to the permanence of things, then those things start to own us.- Noah Rasheta

In my possession are a few items that do spark joy, as Marie Kondo mentions, and has travelled to and fro by my side. I have a old school Mickey Mouse stuffed animal that has been mine since I was around 3. I kept a rocking chair that my grandfather won for me back in 1976, before I was born. I only got rid of it this year after major weather damage from being on the back patio. It was sad to see it go. But, it’s just a material item, the memories I hold of my Gramps is far greater than anything he’s ever given me.

I also have a handful of friends that have been with me since junior high (1989-1991) and seen the chaos that is my life.
Kevin, I love you to the moon and back. There is no question about that.
Veener Schliden, You’re my sister from another mister. I’d fight any dude for you.

1993 – THE BEST SUMMER of my life, downtown Seattle, WA.
The day McDonald’s never knew what was coming.

Overall, however, I find that things that bring me full joy in life are the things in this moment. As much as I collect items like Star Wars or Wonder Woman, I know that in the event I need to purge them, they can be replaced. I know that these materialistic pieces that are being donated will make someone else’s day, and I’m okay with that. 

  • My pugs on either side of me, nesting in bed, while I read or play on my phone.
  • Any and every time my son tells me he loves me.
  • A hearty laugh with my best friend.
  • Inside jokes that took 15 years to marinate and still tickle my soul each day.

Satisfying, comforting, and safe memories that are being made each minute of my day. These are the things I choose to hold on to.

Body Positive · Changes · Changing · Consumerism · Greed · Health · Hope · Negative People · Outrage · Politics · Positivity · Self Acceptance · Self Esteem · Self Love · Suicide · Youth

. Content of Your Soul .

I watched the video/commercial. I am stating my opinion, which may be biased as a woman, but here we go. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this commercial.
 
If anything, I find it empowering, for BOTH men and women.
 
If anything, I find it validating, for BOTH men and women.
 
If you’re a man who is finding issue with a commercial or company promoting respect, then the issue is not with the content of the commercial, but the content of your soul.

We are in the midst of an awakening within our society. People, men and women alike,  are beginning to hold each other accountable for unacceptable behaviors.

Women no longer need to remain tight lipped with grace over inappropriate behaviors, comments, or actions towards them or their bodies.

Women no longer need to, “smile and giggle” when there’s an unwanted ass grab. 

Women no longer need to accept unsolicited dick pics in private message while active on social media.

Men no longer need to remain “tough” and carry the persona of “strength” when bullied, belittled, or mocked for showing emotion.

Men no longer have to hide their “less than masculine” hobbies or interests. I have male friends who find that over the last 10-20 years, aspects of their “male persona” have changed. “I used to be uncomfortable with my wife’s purse in our cart. Now, I just don’t care.”

Men are even allowed to show support in one another without it looking, “Gay”.

If toxic masculinity is, as Piers Morgan says, “… pathetic global assault on masculinity,” then why is it even a hot topic? What I am finding is that men who are offended, protesting, and boycotting like Piers Morgan, are avoiding the question of whether or not they’re actually guilty of these very behaviors.” (compiled with the fact that a lot of them I’m reading on social media haven’t actually WATCHED the video). Don’t come at me with your defensiveness if you haven’t fully educated yourself on the topic at hand.

Just to be clear, Gillette’s ad does not implicate all men as those who act in this manner. This ad promotes that all men should hold each other accountable by calling out the behaviors.

This is not attacking “all” men for this behavior, it’s attacking the behavior itself. If those seeing this as an attack on “all men’s” masculinity, then it’s not the commercial with the issue, it’s your perception of masculinity that is.

“The gender doth protest too much,  me thinks. “

Maybe it’s time to actually discuss and define, “Toxic Masculinity”? What I have found researching the new coined term, “…a manifestation of Patriarchy that both harms men, and causes men to be violent and aggressive against women and occasionally other men.”

Personally, for me, it is when we even need to call out “boys will be boys” mentality. It’s when we tell girls that, “…it means he likes you if he pulls your hair”, as opposed to teaching our sons that pulling hair is not way to express your crush on a person.

Or, the doxxing of female game programers, artists, geeks, nerds, cosplayers, and activists who fight against the men who feel women have no place in the gaming cyber geek world.

Women, such as Brianna Wu, had all of their personal information released online opening avenues of abuse from men worldwide. “One tweet said, “I’ve got a K-bar and I’m coming to your house so I can shove it up your ugly feminist cunt.”

If you do not see an issue with this, then the problem isn’t Gillette, again, it’s you and your belief systems.

Another example of abuse because of gender and nationality, Kelly Marie tran. Who had this to say when she penned a beautiful statement as to why she’s leaving social media. She was mocked and harassed for everything from gender to weight, from role to ethnicity. The attackers took open hunt on her instagram and even her woookiepedia page.

Their words seemed to confirm what growing up as a woman and a person of color already taught me: that I belonged in margins and spaces, valid only as a minor character in their lives and stories,” Tran wrote. “Their words reinforced a narrative I had heard my whole life: that I was “other,” that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t good enough, simply because I wasn’t like them. And that feeling, I realize now, was, and is, shame, a shame for the things that made me different, a shame for the culture from which I came from. And to me, the most disappointing thing was that I felt it at all.”

Or, how schools push and shame their preteen to teen girls about their clothing, as opposed to teaching boys to respect women and their bodies, and then punish them for wearing shorts and tank tops in 102 degree weather.

Our daughters are raised with vile, sexually charged advertising in EVERYTHING, but then shamed if they immulate the very examples they’re taught. Toxic masculinity is defending and promoting advertisers like Abercrombie & Fitch or Carl’s Jr, who make a point of objectifying women, and encouraging the behaviors behind it. There’s even a study that shows men and women (BOTH) are affected mentally by these types of advertisers. (Sited Resource) This study has found that sexualized advertisements could have a negative effect on men as well as women .

Final example of toxic masculinity, in my eyes, are the sheer number of sexual violence and assaults that do not get reported. Why? Because women aren’t taken serious when they say they are victims.

Do you know how many rape kits have sat unopened, unexamined, untested? In my state, Washington State, according to a 2018 statewide inventory conducted by the Attorney General’s Office, 6,460 backlogged. If that’s just one state, imagine the numbers for our whole nation. It doesn’t help when certain celebrities promote these ideals

If toxic masculinity isn’t a thing, there wouldn’t be NUMEROUS social media pages dedicated to showing that women are property/meat, and men deserve all of it no questions asked….
Because, as Piers Morgan says, “Let boys be damn boys. Let men be damn men. Sexually harasses coanchor.

More sources:
Women Women Refuse

#MeToo

Addressing Gender-Based Harassment in Social Media: A Call to Action
Rachel N. Simons, The University of Texas at Austin

End the Backlog – Accountability Project by Joyful Heart Foundation

Justice and Research Statistics Association

#Gillette #MeToo #Empowerment #Toxicmasculinity
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. Manifestation .


I personally think that being a high functioning depressive is more exhausting than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life thus far. This is coming from a woman who has experienced everything from single motherhood (SO exhausting) to abuse (childhood and adulthood, even more exhausting). I’ve experienced sleep deprivation, burn-out, and extreme work out fatigue. The exhaustion that comes from depression is a whole new level. A level that there are no valid description options to fully define what my mind and body are doing to me at present.

I’ve discovered that my depression is manifesting in new ways. It was not fully acknowledged until I had a discussion with my housemate about her anxiety. She told me the cycles in which her anxiety has morphed every time she feels she has a handle on it. We both have had therapy, and both have learned tools to combat stressors when we are triggered. I utilize those tools on an almost daily basis; painting, writing, my pugs. But still, it’s there lingering like a painful hang nail that you’re not ready to cut off just yet, but causes mild pain when poked wrong.

Here I am, going along with life, feeling mighty fine, owning my place in this world only to find out that in the back of my subconscious is a negative world. I mean, I have known it to be there since childhood. I learned how to navigate this world with ease. I’ve learned where to change focus, self direct, and change the self talk. But it never truly goes away, does it? It will always be there. So, again, here I am actually enjoying life. I mean, what do I have to complain about? I have a great job. My housemate is one of my best friends, and coworker. My bills are taken care of. I have some cushion financially. My son is such an amaze-balls young man. My pugs are the bestest doggos ever. I have a routine where I’m able to contribute to and create my artwork. What is to complain about?

Over the last month or so, I have honed in on the fact that I am bloody exhausted. I mean totally wiped out. Or as Grandiloquent posted, “Forswunke“; knackered. I know a lot of this empty and exhausted feeling derives from the fact I have no vehicle now. I am a bit cabin fevered and reliant on my housemate to get me to and fro.  I am pretty sure this is the epicenter of my current depression manifestation.

I could sleep at any given moment, just give me a comfortable spot and light’s out. This is new for me. I mean, I’ve always been a gal who thoroughly enjoys her naps, but this is different. Weekends consist of waking, feeding doggos, feeding my face, and being awake for maybe two hours. I then go back to bed for a couple more hours. I cycle like this all weekend. If it weren’t for my work responsibilities M-F, I am afraid I’d have no living existence on this planet. I know for a fact that when I had my own car, I was able to go do outdoorsy things. I would gather up the puddles of pugs and head out to geocache’, or something similar,  which I know would combat the murk and mire. 

On a subconscious level, I believe my inner guardian knew this was an indicator, and began putting my therapy tools to use. I have been working a lot more on my art and painting. However, I have also been spending more time “zoning out” on my phone. Two things I do religiously when I start to feel a slip in mood regulation. Fast forward to a few weeks later, and after the discussion with my housemate, I’m starting to take note on the various forms of manifestation outside of the sleep patterns. I am not getting good sleep, at all. I don’t wake up feeling rested and rejuvenated. The cup hath runneth over…. as the lack of sleep has created a muscle weakness. I feel like I’ve been running a marathon every day. My ankles, knees, hips and lower back are always aching; albeit, my weight is a huge part of this. i know when I’m getting out more they don’t hurt nearly as much. I also know that when I’m tired, when it’s combined with my sarcoidosis, my legs cramp. I have this uncontrolled jerking twitch when I try to relax at night. It makes it virtually impossible to fall asleep. 

I’ve always been a firm believer in allowing my emotions to be exactly what they are. Emotions were stifled so much so growing up, that I internalized a lot of them. They would usually manifest in an angry, anxious explosion. Things were said that weren’t meant. Actions were done that weren’t intended. I finally found a therapist who broke those flood gates. I cried, literally, for two days straight (over EVERYTHING). My ex-husband thought I was broken. He kept asking me, “How do I stop the flood?” Since then, whatever emotion arises, I allow it to take course and I cater to the needs my emotions are trying to convey. However, lately I am unable to “emote” properly. I am on edge and feel like I could cry. If I could cry, I would. It’s like a sneeze that’s right at the tip of your nose, it tickles and you can feel it coming on strong… but nothing happens. My cry function right now is like that. 

Speaking of sarcoidosis, and breathing issues, this is a new manifestation for me. I don’t feel like I can breathe. I can’t get a good, adequate, oxygenated breath in. The more I try, the more I panic. The more I panic, the more I try. Vicious cycle yo’. My biggest fear is suffocation… and here I am with a disease that causes me to feel like I can’t breathe. Irony is thick with this. I believe it’s cellular memory from being choked in childhood. I believe it’s a lingering, evil, manifestation that developed into a legitimate disease. So the inability to breathe like a normal person is causing even more exhaustion. It’s like a work out to breathe right now.

Finally, I feel on edge with panic that everything good in my life is going to crash… again. That’s just how it’s always been. I have a review coming up, so, immediately I think I suck and I will be let go. I have no control over it, but I fret and fester until the actual day of review. So healthy, right? I’ve been debating back and forth on reinstating my therapy. I just do not want to go through the whole reintroduction with a new therapist. The one who helped me SO much, who walked with me through every tribulation with ease and guidance, is no longer providing care. She had a lot of her own life struggles rise and had to remove herself from it. It takes a lot for me to connect and trust a therapist, she’s the only one I have ever been able to. She didn’t spit typical psych 101 crap. She seen a hole tear in my psyche, and to pushed through it and made me focus on it. Fuck I loved her. But, here I am again afraid that I may be going down that path I’m oh so familiar with. I just don’t know if I have the strength or patience at 42 to start that process over again. And yes, I am on anti-depressants. I’m worried they may not be effective anymore.

So, there you have it. Depression is like a bacterium that has learned evolution; a bacteria that can adapt to ever changing environments (like antibiotic resistant strains). It has found weakened aspects of my psyche, taken hold, and morphed into a new ugly demon to fight. My fight right now is exhaustion. The weapons of choice are not working, at all. I don’t know how to battle this new being. That alone is causing greater depressive angst.

 

 

Changing · Consumerism · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · My Life · Spirit

. Less is More .

So, there I was, standing at the sink doing dishes… so many dishes for just two people; my housemate and I. The sheer amount of flatware to wash, ugh! Anyone who truly knows me, knows that dishes are not the chore of choice. But there I was, swipe, wipe, rinse, repeating and staring off into the nether realm. It was in that moment that I fully understood the meaning of, “less is more.”

When my housemate and I moved into our duplex, we had two spoons, two forks, a number of plastic flatware, and I think one butter knife. This absolutely drove me mad, so I went out and purchase a flatware set for six. It was this decision that I realized doing the dishes I made a grave mistake. When we had the few utensils we had, we were forced to be proactive and actually tend to the dishes, almost daily. With the ease of having a plethora of spoons to choose from, we no longer stayed up on doing our dishes. Abundance equates laziness. 

How does this apply to the rest of my life? In so many ways, food, clothes, knick-knacks… just so many things. Things I do not need, but want.

I realize that this is another avenue of seeking balance in my life. I have decided that I’m going to attempt to use less, starting with flatware. 

Beauty · Changing · Compassion · Happiness · My Life · Self Esteem · Spirit

. Scheme of Things .

 

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents,
and I lay them both at His feet. – Gandhi

In the grand scheme of things, we are told that “love your neighbor, do onto others, etc” is the golden rule. However, that is just a snippet of the actual “golden rule”. There is a second half that we so quickly forget.

In Buddhism, “Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.”
In Taoism, “Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.”
Even in Christianity (The most debated, discussed, and wrongfully interpreted religion outside of Muslim) says, “In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for this is the law and the prophets.”

The part that we so quickly put to the side is the aspect of respecting and loving yourself. It is so easy to do onto others in a respectful, friendly, positive way. I know personally, loving and respecting myself is the biggest hurdle to jump in this lifetime.

How many times have I heard, “Would you say that to a younger Regan?” “Is that something you would say to a friend?” All preceding some negative self talk that escapes my lips. What if the golden rule isn’t do onto others, but really, Do onto yourself and the rest will follow?

When I meet my maker and my negatives are brought forward in question, it will be easy for me to acknowledge the mean side I’ve projected onto others. However, when questioned about my self love, I know that I am going to stumble over my words far worse than a young mom navigating through scattered lego blocks with bare feet.

The hardest part for me is the knowledge that this takes place on a daily basis, I’m rational this way. However, my emotional maturity is lacking, and I am blank on how to correct this. I would hope that my maker isn’t such a malevolent God that I’m banished to some personal hell to replay on repeat daily. I would hope a loving God would guide and teach like a mentor.

I do love so many areas of my life, my employment, my friends, my freedom. I sit here at 42 and realize I do love myself, but damned if I didn’t learn this way later than I could have.

I figure I have about 20 more years of life ahead of me. Here’s to due diligently focusing on the Golden Rule, “Love yourself first, and the rest will follow.

My Life · Spirit

. Spiraling Vicariously .

Let me preface this by saying I know I am far, far from perfect. I have triggers that cause irrational responses to negative stimuli, but only after repeated instances and lack of respect. I have learned, practiced, and instilled the art of reflection, processing, and establishing my boundaries around those triggers. This week I am finding myself trying to stay afloat in others mental chaos.

Scenario One: One housemate is unmedicated Bipolar II; I shall call her Princess. She actually seems proud of the fact that she’s not taking her medications and in a serious rapid spiraling with a heavy lean on angry, negative, violent mania. She uses it as a crutch to treat everyone around her like shit, and gloats about it. Everyone who is around her allows her to do this. She makes threats of stabbing, hurting, or attacking and people bend at her will. Her words, actions, behaviors are very  C-PTSD triggering. “Worst decision I made was helping you out.” . . . . She can’t even help herself.

Same housemate will drop an opinion on you, but when you try to discuss another view point, she freaks out. If you’re going to come at me with a harsh opinion on something, you have to be open to a rebuttal or opposing opinion. Conversation is not ALL in your hands. If you don’t want a response, think twice before stating something. Instead I’m met with, “You better watch what you say, remember last time you said something.” And, “blah blah blah. This conversation is over.” Who does that? You don’t rule my world, the world,
only yours.

Scenario Two: Homeowner/Landlord. She’s constantly in pain due to her Fibromyalgia. But again, it’s a crutch to detach and not give a rat’s ass about her home, her pets, or herself. I’ve tried, calming and rationally, to ask her to establish rules and boundaries in the house that regulate the crazy housemate 1 is causing. I’ve been met with a “Martyr / “Woe is me” Eeyore attitude. She refuses to put stipulations down to prevent the aggressive threats of bodily harm from housemate 1. I’m not too sure what it is, but she’d rather go off on me in a way warped manner than to nip the shit in the bud.

I’ve been pushed to my limit; over my limit. I’ve asked politely and have been met with a shitty response. Some of the basic quotes from tonight’s blowout:

Landlord: “I’m most likely going to die in a week.”
Me: “No. You’re just in pain.”
Landlord: “Oh that’s right, you’re so much smarter and know everything” (insert tears here).

Landlord: “You’re killing me. Right now, you’re killing me.”
Me: That’s a bit much.
Landlord: “I’m on the verge of suicide, and you’re killing me.”

Landlord: “That’s fine. Whatever. You’re not going to pay me anyways. “
Me: Excuse me? IF anything, I have always communicated funds, been open, and have paid you FIRST and foremost of anyone I owe.
Landlord: “Whatever. I don’t care about any of this. I just want your money.”
Me: Okay. You just want my money. Okay. I want a safe home to come home to.

I’m killing her because I’m asking her not to be passive aggressive in regards to house chores, and actually address the issue at hand. Princess brings days worth of dishes up from her room and dumps them into the sink. She doesn’t do her own dishes, expects everyone else to do everything for her. Landlord does dishes and sends me a nasty passive aggressive message about doing dishes. Um. I DO my dishes. I even CONTRIBUTE to the house with dish soap, sponges, etc.  But no, she won’t say anything to Princess, nope. There’s really an unhealthy disconnect with these two; which makes them great housemates for each other. It’s a weird symbiotic relationship. It’s the blind leading the deaf. It’s unhealthy.

I also have the right as an adult and human being to express my discomfort. I pay rent. This is supposed to be a safe place. It’s not ATTACKING another if you request a meeting to discuss calmly the concerns you have. You escalated way before I could even fathom doing so. 

So, what do all the triggery issues do to me? A lot, from mental to emotional to physical.

First, I start to panic inside. I immediately go to a doom spot. My actions to prevent that, speak out about my concerns. When those concerns are neither heard or rectified, I go very internal.

When I go internal, I literally feel like my physiological self is trapped in a box and it starts to lash out trying to break out. I get IBS, headaches, inability to sleep. I get super depressed. I begin to question everything; my movements, my thoughts, am I bothering anyone.

As I descend into the depression, I find myself pushing. Pushing people, pushing buttons, pushing away. I give things away. I delete friends from contacts or social media. I’d rather push you away than get into a place where anxiety and fear open the doors for hurt and disappointment.

Finally, I become the very person I’m trying set boundaries around. I get aggressive, argumentative, and angry. I get passive aggressive. I push everyone that I respect away. I find reasons to snip, growl and attack. I’m constantly on edge. I also start believing the voices in my head that tells me the world would be better off without me.

Essentially, I on a mental spiral that makes me feel out of control. It’s the weirdest sensation. I can rationally see myself spiraling, but can’t stop. It’s like, tripping on your shoelace on the stairs, seeing the tumbling ahead of you, but nothing to grasp to steady your gait. I need to be in a place that I feel safe and in control. I need to be in a place where I feel respected and heard.