At first I was scared. Too many thoughts looming above my head, too many worries ahead of my path. I had my doctors appointment yesterday, and they firmly believe I have sarcoidosis, see previous blog. I was relieved to find out it wasn’t cancer. I was almost giddy, and joking about it with my family. Today, however, I have this feeling of mourning almost. I believe the reality has sunk in, and that I actually have a non curable disorder; disease. It has really hit me hard today. I have a reason to be in pain, I have a legitimate reason to say “My chest is hurting today.”
After the newness of a diagnosis wore off, and the reality sunk in, I teared up this morning before work. i kep thinking, “Damn, this is real. I mean like really real.” I don’t handle stress well, and tend to get snippy or really internal. It’s the interalization that’s going to be hard for me not to do. I cannot go “inside” and fester to much. I need to remember that there are those around me to support me, not ridicule or judge me for being “too dramatic.” When I say, “Oh whoa is me,” odds are I truly mean it.
In the past, since childhood, I have always felt like (or been made to feel like) a hypochondriac. “Toughen up, quit being so dramatic.” Each little ache, pain, cold, and more were actual signs of something ongoing. Now, all I can ponder is how it’s going to change me. I am worried about the treatments, steroids, outcome.
Each day, living with this, will bring a new challenge. Today, I am thankful for answers. Today, I grateful for support.