Beauty · Gratitude · Happiness · Health · My Life

I owe you so much more than an apology…

Isn’t it your triumphs over adversity, surprise rebounds, and stellar comebacks that you look back on with the most fondness, Regan? Far more than the easy, cake for breakfast and pajamas in the afternoon, kind of times?

The Universe

This was a perfect email to open and read first thing this morning. I woke up yesterday from a deep ‘thinking’ dream; meaning not a wild dream but one that left me kind of misty and wondering. In my dream I recapped good times with my best friend from Jr and Sr. high school. At the moment of wake up I was “rapping” a cheesy song we came up with when we were around 15 years of age. Rapping the song, getting dress, brought me back to a day when I really needed her friendship. We have since drifted apart, understandably. I became a very angry, bitter, and selfish/self centered person during my teenage years. This view on life lasted well into my late twenties.I took from people what I needed at that moment, and never had a moment of “thank you, sincerely.” When I took from people, I began to lose people.

My greediness was my “survival.” I had a very unhealthy childhood, as a result, my instincts were 100% survival mode. I look back now with a heavy heart. I hurt those who I should have been very thankful and grateful for. For my best friend in high school, it has surpassed the moment where I can apologize and have it be accepted. There is still a lot of resentment there, and I do not blame her in the least. I am truly sorry for the hurt, mistrust, misuse, and abuse of our friendship.

You, Tookie Moo, were a gift in my life. I can only thank you not only for the support during the rough years at home, but also thank you for the lessons in life I eventually learned. Friendship is sacred. We are past the point where mending can happen, this was made clear in the last correspondence with each other. However, it is never too late to reach out and apologize, take accountability for my mistakes, and thank you sincerely for handing them to me on a silver platter. I owe you so much more than you realize.

Now, as an adult, making changes in not only my physical self, but my mental and emotional as well, I can only look back and revel in the moments of extreme fun we had. Please accept my apology, it’s the best I can do as an adult. I am glad the Universe this morning gave me the go ahead to make a stellar comeback, rebound and triumph over the adversity I caused you, others and myself.

I owe you so much more than an apology…

To you, in memory of:
dressing crazy and walking to 7-11
staying up all night being stupid and making up rap songs
sitting on your rooftop outside your window, reading from a witchcraft book trying to call upon the wind
Going on a beach trip with your aunt, taking herbal medicine and puking all over the car!
partying like none other in Des Moines

walking to school together every morning
to being the safety net when my home life wasn’t great.

“Hey! Better take a stop and listen’
I’m Regan P and my rhymes are bitchin.”

You remember the rest.

5 thoughts on “I owe you so much more than an apology…

  1. regan, this is so mature of you…if i were that friend, i’d like to think i’d recognize the big step you’ve taken here and how far you’ve come since your youth…i hope she will do the same…if not, you have done yourself proud in reaching this point – regardless of her response…


  2. i think this was a great post! we all make mistakes in life, especially in our teens and twenties. i personally think keeping close friendships with other girls/women is really hard during those years..unfortunately. and especially when you have a bad home-life, you must go into survival mode as you said…it’s hard to nurture relationships when you are just trying to get from day to day. this post shows how far you have come and i am sure you would be wonderful to have as a friend now.


  3. Hi Regan, I am very happy you are doing well. I always had faith in you and you and I had a good relationship. I have never regretted providing you with shelter and support.
    Love Marilynn


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