I feel like a fraud. I just want to put that out there. I feel like my actions are fake, and inside I’m a totally different person. I don’t know if it is because I am consciously trying to change my approach, and my reactions, to situations. It’s become almost habit… ALMOST. I still stop for a second and think about the right thing to do. Even though it’s the “right thing” doesn’t mean it “feels right” to me. I don’t know if that’s because my previous habits have been defensive, argumentative, etc. It feels foreign to … do right. A few have observed, and mentioned, that I have “grown” a lot over the last year; even though inside it doesn’t feel like it. My first reaction is anger and hatred still. Will that ever go away? Do others feel the same?
I didn’t get the job, and this is what prompted this thought thread. It’s so easier to be hard on myself, hating me with negative talk than it is to say “good job to the other candidate.”