Beauty, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Health, My Life, Negative People, Self Esteem, Spirit

Poseur …

 

 

I feel like a fraud. I just want to put that out there. I feel like my actions are fake, and inside I’m a totally different person. I don’t know if it is because I am consciously trying to change my approach, and my reactions, to situations. It’s become almost habit… ALMOST. I still stop for a second and think about the right thing to do. Even though it’s the “right thing” doesn’t mean it “feels right” to me. I don’t know if that’s because my previous habits have been defensive, argumentative, etc. It feels foreign to … do right. A few have observed, and mentioned, that I have “grown” a lot over the last year; even though inside it doesn’t feel like it. My first reaction is anger and hatred still. Will that ever go away? Do others feel the same?

I didn’t get the job, and this is what prompted this thought thread. It’s so easier to be hard on myself, hating me with negative talk than it is to say “good job to the other candidate.”

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2 thoughts on “Poseur …”

  1. I’m sorry u didnt get the job….don’t get too down about it, there will be another job! This just wasn’t the “right” one! A better one will come! I know just what you mean though. Feeling like a fraud. I feel that way most days. Inside I seethe with anger, but I usually try to put on the happy face for others. Don’t beat yourself up…what you feel isn’t abnormal…just human. xoxo
    tammy
    http://spicyt.wordpress.com

  2. I just want you to know that while I am but a wee influence with all that is whirring around you and have little to offer aside from my friendship and the strange connection that I rarely feel with other people, I think that connection might have a lot to do with why I totally get what you are saying here. And it is hard. I know that wasn’t a sentence. But the bottom line is growth in general is hard especially spiritual growth, and the soil we come from doesn’t necessarily nurture that as it should. So don’t blame yourself when the sticker-burrs start taking over your flowerbed because they were there first and weeding them out is a lot harder than it looks.

    Then again, I love weeds.

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