Last night’s meditation was focused on the “me” I am inside, and trying to show on the outside. One of my affirmations established in counseling is, “I will stop questioning who I am, and learn “that” I am.” Meaning, stop listening to others and their labels of me. It’s really hard to listen to the Suttras, Buddhist teachings, about letting go. I want to hold onto, and retain the “me” that I am. I fight tooth and nail to prove that I am not the label others put on me. However, in all the fighting, the only return I get from my defensiveness is the knowledge that I am hiding behind my fears, clinging onto anger, and refusing to just “be.”
I cannot control others, only myself and my responses to their labels of me. I can only be and learn that I Am. The brilliance, and proverbial slap, from the Universe has reminded me that the more I fight and say, “I am not…” I am only allowing the focus on what truly isn’t me. I have to change my thought process, and my actions to follow. I Am a list of many things, and I will focus on that alone.
There are many things that individuals who do not like me will continually chant. “She’s crazy..” “She’s not Buddhist…” or a myriad of other combinations with the same sentiment. I will not focus on what they’re saying, it only causes more pain. I cannot change their view, and I need to remind myself of this. No body is perfect, even those pointing fingers. However, it’s not for me to educate them on their failings, they have to learn that on their own. They have to learn their own, “I am.” Even Buddha suffered aches and pains after his enlightenment. He understood that, “Enlightened people do not cease to experience the pain of existence. They only stop creating illusions that amplify that pain and cause new suffering.”
I will stop creating the illusion that I can change their thought methods, and opinions, of me. I can only create the healing path that I will represent, and present, who I Am.
I am will be a new page here. Please check it out.