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accountability & pain

Every human being is the author of his own health or disease. ~ The Buddha

It has taken a couple of days to process the events of this week’s group therapy. This was the first session where I actually was triggered and reacted. I guess better put would be I was triggered all week long by events at my job, and it finally came to fruition during the group therapy session. In group we’re held accountable for two contracts; one is the same for all group members and one is formed around areas of you that you’re seeking of healing. I had two incidents that triggered me into a full on mental breakdown.

So last week, the events that triggered me eventually caused me to break a few of my contractual agreements. Let me cover the events, and then cover which agreements I have broken. The first incident isn’t something major, and most people probably wouldn’t even notice or react to it, but because of the very air tight environment I grew up in, it effected me more than I realized.

My boss is a very negative person, even though I know she tries not to be, she just is. She yells and cusses under her breathe. She slams her pens, phone, and desk drawers. She huffs, puffs and is just generally snotty to people when they ask her questions. This is gotten to the point where customers won’t talk to her, I’ve been moved to 100% customer service. We also have customers who are thinking about pulling their account from us. How does this effect me? Well, at first I could handle it. I’m a normally upbeat person at work, I just work through stress. I mean, there is a reason I was moved to customer service. However, the last couple of weeks I have grown tired really quick. Normally I am perky Monday, but by Friday I am worn really thin. This week was rapid regression.

She was super moody, and I never noticed how “childlike” I got around it. I mean, moody and angry. I don’t manage well around people who are openly angry. I revert back to a preteen, and my actions start mimicking those from my childhood. I get really quiet, tip toe to the sink, bathroom, warehouse, etc., turn my music down or off, and my general mindset is if I’m not seen, nor heard, she can’t hurt me. … this brings me back to how exactly I was around my angry mother who was drinking a lot. If I remained out of site or sound, she wouldn’t focus her anger on me, and I wouldn’t get hurt. Needless to say I wasn’t consciously aware of this reverting, at least not until group this week. In conjunction with my childlike behaviors, I found that my sarcoidosis is acting up again. My cough is back, my head is foggy, I’m super tired, etc. Not really thinking that 1 & 1 = 2. I just went about my day.

Wednesday is group counseling. I spoke up about my accountability:

  1. I will be able to handle situations without being full of anger or anxiety.
  2. I will not get sick or go crazy. I WILL BE SANE AND HEALTHY.

I spoke up and told them about my issues with my boss, and how it’s causing me to react physically. I explained that I feel like I’m 11 / 12 years old again, and how my mind has really gone back to my childhood trying to prevent myself being seen or heart. Then others spoke up to work, and they did. I observed them. :: Remember this whole time I’m pretty triggered. I am feeling very needy, withdrawn, and unsure. I’d rather be seen and not heard. ::

On of the other group members did some anger work, and her actions of doing so pushed me into a full blown flash back. I was cowering, crying and just “in” the moment with my mother instead of my group. I was 100% totally and completely full of anger and anxiety. I flashed back to an abusive event in my childhood. I recalled everything my mother said, everything my mother did. Needless to say I was pretty shook up.

It has taken me a couple days to process before I could write about it. The structure for me to remember is:

a) She’s not my mother, she’s my employer. She cannot hurt me.
b) I am an adult, not a child.
c) Envision an energy protection around me and my desk.

I also started putting that 1 + 1 together. My sarcoid effects are only coming back in conjunction with the issues at work rising. I am allowing myself to get ill. Having expectations in others only gets me hurt.


One thought on “accountability & pain

  1. Well written…I can see me in some of those moments. and if we are honest with ourselves, I think we all have been there….if not going through it right now.
    Sending you Good energy and loving kindness.
    Namaste RR:)



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