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I’m a live..

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

 

Alive in a moment of the mind’s eye…. Alive through sight, sounds, and mainly feelings. When I reflect over the last year, and moments that have effected me the most, I tune into all the negative events that happened. I’m not saying that I only focus on the negative, I am saying that I honestly feel that the series of events that has happened this last year is what has started me on the path to self healing, reconnecting my soul, spirit and mind. I believe that sometimes negative things need to happen to shake us back into “feeling” again. We’re all walking around zombiefied, drone like.

Scene: Early morning, sitting in the living room. My husband, son and roommate have all ventured off to their jobs or school. I am alone. There are no sounds other than the dogs snoring next to me on the couch. Despite what is said or believed about Seattle, it was late September and the sun was breaching the barriers of the linen curtains we had hanging. I just sat there, staring. Life was horrible, and even though I was surrounded by the light of the morning, the warm of the sun, I felt cold and vacant. Although the sun lit up the room, bringing to life the colors in the items we have purchased to brighten up our lives, I see nothing but drab, drained colors. I am in the pit of severe depression. I cannot interpret any of the textures around me, I am pretty numb to everything.

This is where I had sat for a while; I don’t mean hours.. I mean weeks. I slept, ate (rarely), lived, breathed and stared for just over a month. I would think about the events that brought me to that breaking point. I was let go from my job. I had a friend that we opened our home to, helping her after she was released from jail. Only to be shit on in return, used, abused and treated worse than a person treats a fruit fly. My health was falling quick, so fast in fact that within a week I had a diagnosis and a hysterectomy… at 33! And the people I thought were an extension of my family, my friends I’ve trusted and brought into my life, decided to do a one over on my husband and I. It was just too much to contend with, so I looked for ways to occupy my thoughts. I would busy myself with television, having watched ALL of the seasons of Charmed, and playing World of Warcraft. This was my only life. I worried my son, I worried my husband.. but I was too vacant to observe the hurt my distancing was causing them. Then the voice came in…

The voice was the voice of my young inner child, the one who got me through everything growing up; my survival voice. “What the hell are you doing?” she would ask me.

Why aren’t you living your life?” she would nag me. “Girl! You’ve been through far worse than this… pull your big girl panties up, and get on with it already.” she would say defiantly.

In all my numbness, hurt, depression, lack of will… This was my moment I felt most alive. Having your inner child yell at you, kick your mental ass back into shape, is really a defining moment.

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2 thoughts on “I’m a live..

  1. I know we know very little of each other’s stories, but I have spent the better part of 12 years sitting in a quiet house while my family was away at work/school and know how terrible it is to fight those depression demons. I am just now getting the inner idiot to yell at me and to get things changed in my life. Hopefully we will both beat these demons and soon! 🙂

  2. Oooh. I almost cried at the end of your blog post. *hugs*

    I love how open you are with your emotions. The moment of you describing your inner child asking you those questions, is when I felt shivers go through me. So powerful!!!!

    I wish nothing but good things for you for the upcoming year. Just reading this, I already know you have all the inner strength within you to pull through anything!

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