- December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
- December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)
- December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)
- December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)
So, today was a rough day. It started out pretty good, even the boss was in a good mood. However, it quickly lead down a road of familiarity, and I fell right into step of my childhood role. Since it’s still 2010 I am going to use the incident to knock out four of the reverb10s. The topics are Let Go, Wisdom, Lesson(s) Learned, and Healing. I am so angry, so frustrated, so hurt.. I’m spinning in circles today.
Here I am talking to another blogger about “letting go,” and I have found myself in a quandary that has me telling myself to “let go” as well. Letting go is so hard to do. You work yourself up to it, you coach yourself, but at the the point where you’re teetering on the edge of letting go into the unknown, or staying put in safety…. for me.. safety wins. I hang onto my childhood, but I am learning to let go. Family feels that it’s something that I should just wake up and do. Her exact words were, “I assume if you really want to move on you could.” … Is it me, or is that rather insulting? So, there you have it.. apparently I can move on as soon as tomorrow actually, as long as I really really want to. ” I believe that there is a point in every abuse victims life where they consciously decide if they want to continue to live in that world and still be the victim or move on and grow.”
:: clicks her heels three times and says, “There’s no place like letting go!” There’s no place like letting go” “There’s no place like letting go.” :: … hmm.. I’m failing to see the magic take place. .
I am NOT making myself a victim, I am a SURVIVOR of abuse, this making me a victim. I don’t think I’m doing any “Oh woah is me.. pity me” by doing counseling. I hate the fact they keep using it against me.
I failed today, I allowed another person to navigate my emotions with ease. I allowed certain things to be said that triggered feelings I thought I had successfully worked through.
Which leads me into Wisdom. The wisest decision I’ve made this year, thus far, is to start counseling and continue through with it. There have a been a few moments so far that has almost had me walking away from counseling, but I haven’t. I am following through. Which leads me right into lesson(s) learned.
In counseling I have learned to stand up for my feelings, don’t become passive and walk away.
I have learned to listen to my innerself, and recognize when a situation isn’t a healthy one.
I have learned that saying “no” and following through with the meaning and intent of “NO” is ok to do.
I have learned that my feelings and memories of my childhood are painful, and it is ok to experience that pain.
I have learned that holding onto the pain is unhealthy, bringing me to the point of anxiety.
I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned though, is that I do have a reason to be here. I am wanted and that I am loved. Yes, I still hurt over not being wanted or loved by the one person who’s supposed to provide that for me, but even that’s ok. Emotions are not something to be afraid of, to fear away from, or stuff inside because your rendering has told you that “it’s being over dramatic.” We are human, we have emotions. I hope to apply this knowledge to further my healing through counseling. It is up to me to forge a safe family for myself, I called them my “chosen family.” Which leads me into “healing.”
What I have started healing this year is myself. As I told my friend from the other blog, “Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.” I know that I cannot change my past, and I no longer harbor the hope of doing so. I wish to work further into forgiveness, in a sincere and honest manner. The parts of me that I’d like to see healed in the next year are:
Not being afraid of my emotions, and embrace them as they come.
To fill in the gaps of my past that I cannot remember, in hopes that it will help me understand who I am more.
I want my mental, emotional, and physical self to be aligned healthily.
Affirmations for myself right now:
It is ok to say no, to mean it, and to follow through without guilt.
It is ok to not feel guilty for not wanting to be with family.
It is ok to feel comfortable, and content, with my “chosen” family.
I am on the path to a healthier thought process.
I am on the path to a healthier emotional process.