Not with a bang but a whimper.”
— T.S. Eliot
I have a pulled muscle in my stomach area, due to having a stomach flu, and on pain medications / muscle relaxers. During this time at home I had been sleeping a lot, thank you wooziness from meds, and having an awful bout of apocalyptic dreams. It happens, a lot actually, but it had to have been induced more so from the intake of such heavy medications. I awoke, in an abrupt manner, out of each dream. I started to contemplate why it was I am so freaked out by the pending doom of our great Mother Earth. I worked my way back from recent to past, and then it dawned on me. I figured the very start of my apocalypse fear.
Rewind time about 30 years. Everything around me is wood, paneled, and gaudy. Everyone is wearing polyester, in an array of colors that revolve around puke green, shades of brown, orange and yellows. I am a toddler, around age 4. I am supposed to be downstairs with the other kids for “children’s church,” but I want to see what mom is doing. I sneak my way up a tacky carpeted set of stairs; you know that ugly coach looking carpet. I crawl to the double doors; I can’t remember if they roll open like a closet or swing open like normal doors; but I think they rolled open. I remember they were cracked enough for me to see what was going on. All the adults were sitting in chairs surrounding a very old school television set. On the television was a movie playing… this movie scared the hell out of me; even to this day.
There are only glimpses of the movie that I remember. The four horsemen, primarily the one on the white horse and one on the black horse. I remember a woman who refused to pray, or something, and was left alone towards the end of the movie. All I know is that it scared the hell out of me.
I’ve done some research, trying to locate the name of the film. I swore up and down it was called “The Rapture” but all online sources say that came out in the 1990s. I was young, so this couldn’t have been the movie. I think, and I need to get a hold of my mother for confirmation, that the movie was called, “A Thief in the Night.” Apparently it was a four part series. Whatever it was that I watched, scared the fuck out of me, scaring me for life.
Now I am not terrified of the apocalypse. I feel pretty confident in my relationship with my creator. But damned if my dreams don’t terrify me.