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Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” -Buddha

I started this blog yesterday, and was unable to finish it. I realized I needed to get my thoughts together better before really laying it out. My mind is revolving around “thought assumptions” or “thought fantasies.” In my last group therapy session, not only did I purge my soul and come to some realizations, but I was also taught about “thought fantasies.”

What started this pondering from Wednesday’s therapy was because of my “assumptions” that the group was judging me. I then realized that I do this a lot in life. I have lived a life of defensiveness because of my “thought fantasies” (as they were called in counseling). See, I was sick the two weeks prior and when I came into the group room a comment was made about, “We weren’t sure if we were going to see you.” So in my head I hear, “They totally think you’re faking being sick. They think you’re going to drop the group.” It wasn’t that I was dropping group, it was that my perceptions were that that’s what they thought. Which sent my mind reeling back and forth, tugging like a trout on the end of a fishing line.

I have been thinking heavily about this all week. I have been recounting and recalling all the times I’ve totally let it overwhelm me. I began to realize that these thoughts, always negative, were running my life before. How I “thought” I heard my husband say something. How I “thought” my previous co workers were thinking of me. I have made my life negative because my thoughts were negative about myself first and foremost. I personally think it was my own criticisms allowed me to not be as social I wished, make enough friends and rather alienated myself.

Fast forward to this week’s email newsletter from Tiny Buddha which included an article on “run away thoughts…”  The intro to the article pegged in in one paragraph, “…For the vast majority of my life, I took pride in being a fighter–which meant I was always ready for an attack so no one else could hurt me. The irony is that because of this mindset, I frequently hurt myself.”

I have had this issue almost my whole life. I assume that everyone is talking about me, and never positively. I don’t know where it stems from, I am unsure why I do it. But now that I am aware of it, I can work on fixing it. I am my own worst enemy, at least my thoughts are. It’s so tiring always being on the defensive all the time.

3 thoughts on “Insecurities

  1. Yep, definitely doppleganger. I know for a fact that I do this as well sometimes. I also know where the catalyst for it in my life comes from – the fact that all the hurtful things that were said in my house as a child, were never really said honestly, but backhanded, and as “constructive criticism”. You get put on the defensive that young, and you never really get over wanting to look back, over your shoulder, for what’s coming up behind you.
    It’s hard, but I’m working on it.


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