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Moratorium

© all rights reserved: surf_by_madfusion15 @deviant art.

Quote courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

All in all, if you’re reading this, I love you still. I think you’re a great person, but suffering through a lot right now.

The typical me sits back and ponders what has been weighing heavy on her heart. (and by ponders I mean analyze until every thread has been examined like DNA under a scope…)

The events at work and of friendship over the last couple days have been my primary focus. My first reaction, which is my ingrained reaction, was to freak out. Hence the obsessive texting to her to make sure she was alright. I totally obsess over the situation at hand, I can’t just let it rest and approach it later. I mean, I can.. but I’m not accustomed to. This just compiles and leads into other unhealthy responses.

Yesterday at work we had a meeting (see yesterday’s blog: facebook is the devil). My immediate, and very unhealthy, reaction was to close off, and not listen. There are no messages on earth that can be received through a closed mind, heart and soul. However, ultimately it’s hard to listen to a person when they’re throwing blame and tossing “you” statements to and fro. History for me has shown that if I speak up, I’ll get physically hurt. So, I hang my head against my chest and my arms against my side, shaking uncontrollably. If I try to speak, I cry. I finally was able to get it out of my mouth, “I can’t do this now, things are too heated.” and left the office. The three managers stayed behind. So what did I do? Well, I hastily packed up the things in my little cubicle area. Because my natural reaction was,

“This is no good for me. They’re going to let me go. I’m a stupid girl, save face now and walk away.”

I have got to fix that negative self talk… I really do. She’s an annoying little shit, that voice in my head.

So the me that I am, that I have become, meditated over it last night prior to going to sleep. During my meditation nothing glaringly obvious came forward, but damn it calmed my heart. (Perhaps that was the mixed drink I had prior to bed). It wasn’t until I woke up this morning that I realized it all came to me last night while sleeping. I began to take in the message that was being delivered universally.

It is a scary thing moving from one position to another. There are new responsibilities, new roles to play and new avenues to learn. I can understand someone may have some apprehensions and anxiety about moving into the position. I so totally get that! … and since I get that, albeit mayhap a bit too late, I know that I need stop fretting from this point forward. I have come to the realization that she is establishing boundaries. I wholeheartedly respect that. In all this positivity I have towards her, I still carry concerns about her demeanor towards me now. It is apparent that the line of friendship and work place has been crossed by her, and she’s going to be my supervisor. Instead of talking to me… she aired it publicly. Instead of being mature and coming to the source, she made some pretty hefty assumptions. That bridge just can’t be mended, trust is broken. I am worried that I’m going to fail at being a good co worker, because of the fear of I have of coming to her.

I cannot fix others, I know this. I cannot fix her. I am aware of this as well.

But there has to be a reason none of my resume’s have tempted a potential new employer. I have sent out many resume’s. I have had one interview. I have done a lot of focused meditations, dream interpretations, and readings in regards to moving onto a new job. Everything around me, all signs, are telling me I need to stay put. My health, mental and physical, are more important right now. I am working, have gratitude in that. I think my lesson is to learn to stay put, sit tight and learn to work through an issue like this. Go against the comfortable action, by running as the reaction.


Lessons Learned:

* Shut that nagging bitch in my head up as soon as she says the first syllable.
* Sit tight, breathe, and work it out internally before confrontation.
* Allow the other person room to do the work process of their mistakes, assumptions, etc.
* Don’t be hasty, and do impromptu things you may regret later (like packing up your office!)
* Keep your zen around you, keep your chi. . It will flow off and effect others.

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3 thoughts on “Moratorium

  1. Perhaps you could try teaching your inner voice to say uplifting things to you. If you shut the voice up and make it go away you may miss out on some great stuff. Also, by calling your inner voice names, you are doing the same thing to it that you feel is being done to you.

  2. Oh Miss Bethlyn! Oh how very right you are.. :: hangs head in shame :: How can I miss such a huge obvious factor in my negative self talk? That’s like telling a child to stop hitting their brother and spanking them for emphasis.

    Thank you, sincerely, thank you. Will you be my voice when I fail?

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