My next Life Wheel entry is going to be on romance. I have to be honest, I haven’t the foggiest what romance is. I know what Hollywood shows us. I know what is written in fairy tales. I know that it’s there, somewhere, within me. But, not fully knowing it, I cannot recognize it. And, the same with anything in life we don’t know or understand, we fear. I am not so much afraid of romance, as I am totally uncomfortable by the physical part of it. Since I’m so unfamiliar with it, I wanted to write out what I do, and do not know, in regards to love and romance, so that I can figure out in more depth what I want my 5 year goals to be.
All I know about most things are what I was taught through observation, experience, etc. I never was privy to a lot of “love” and “romance” situations growing up. As I sit here composing this blog entry, I am trying to reflect back at a time when I witnessed romantic gestures in a mother / father type situations. I can honestly say that I cannot recall one, not even a slight one. This awareness is depressing to me. I love my mom, I really do, but her example for a lot of things in life was poor. So, here I am a 34 (almost 35) year old female without the comfortable notions, giddy feelings, and girly reactions to “romance.”
I Google romance and I get: Sex Toys.
If I had to base my life experiences on either one of these black and white definitions, I’d have to go with the baseless stories. I wasn’t “wooed,” ever. I wasn’t worthy of dating, only trying to sleep with. I didn’t even get invited to the prom, I went stag. Boys either seen me as one of the guys, or a fuck buddy. It doesn’t help that allowed that stereotype to flourish either. I wasn’t getting compassion, love and support at home…. so.. I sought it however I got it.
By the time I turned 18, I had all but given up. I went from a “slut” to an abusive relationship that just furthered my confusion of “romantic” gestures. An example of why – I ended up moving in with my boyfriend after high school. Seeing someone in High School is drastically different than seeing them every day, 24/7. He turned ugly real quick, weird little nonchalant things would set him off. It was Halloween. I LOVE Halloween. I love to decorate the house, get all spooky and goofy. This is my time of year, and I embrace it fully. I had decorated the house with what little holiday garb we had. He flipped out, I mean flipped out. He ended up beating me up pretty good; a booted foot to the rib usually does that. After the ass kicking he left the house in a huff. I was crying, freaking out trying to get the house back in “his” order before he returned. I was tearing down the bat garland, stuffing things into garbage sacks. And then he returned. Totally afraid, I became over apologetic. So what’s he do?
Pulls out a pumpkin for us to “carve” together. As a romantic gesture.
….. isn’t that decorating?
What the fuck? As you can see, I have been given nothing but mixed signals most of my life. Even the dictionary doesn’t define it rather well. So, I then turned to my friends for advice.
- “To me true romance is displayed by the simple things such as the opening of a door, the tender smile, public displays of affection.” ~ Heather
- “We like to lay in bed at night, face to face, in complete darkness and whisper…we don’t know why we whisper but we whisper about anything and everything.” ~ Christina
- “For me, romance is the bliss I get in those small quiet moments with the person I love. Sitting on the couch, my head lying on his shoulder. Fingers entwined. Bodies pressed close, sharing breaths…” ~ Rhonda
- and for a male perspective..”.is finding that one single person on the planet…that through all the ups, downs, fights, tragedies, illnesses, financial problems, distractions, temptations, and confusions of everyday life….you just know deep in your heart that you could never imagine a life without that person…no matter what obstacles life might try to throw your way….” ~ Mark
I love what each of them wrote! Romance, if I understand it from their points of view, is not a materialistic gift. Romance is giving your all, without demand in return… but having faith that it will be reciprocated to the best of their abilities.I think Hollywood has it way wrong. I think media in general does. Valentines Day.. is a joke.
SO, having outlined this and put it together in a way my funky mind can understand.. I will be writing my Life Wheel – Romance Part Deux.