Spirituality is such a confusing aspect of life. When I was in my tweens, well into my teens, I questioned God. How can any loving God allow a child to go through some of the things I had? How can any respecting God allow a child to witness some of the things in their life that I had? I just couldn’t believe that “God”, a Christian God, would do that; thus began my search for faith and spirituality.
I began in high school with a friend who referred the book, “The Book of Tao Te Ching” by Lao Tzu. The ideas of Tao were amazing to me, at that time. It was so open for interpretation that I could meld and manifest it how I needed at that time. But, I got to thinking… This was all based out of my “head” and not my “heart.” My understanding, my feeble teenage mind, was that faith came from within the heart area, and not the mind or thinking. As much as it was great to read, contemplate and move into areas of my life… Tao.. wasn’t for me.
I found myself again lost without a clue, angry at everyone and all angels. I was back at home with my mother and her boyfriend, “Wrinkles.” This man was a vile man. He as a drunk and encouraged drinking in my mother. One afternoon I wanted to go out. I don’t remember the specifics, but I do remember that I was supposed to meet up with friends. Wrinkles decided I hadn’t cleaned the house to “his” specifications. He went off and started pushing me around. Something in his intoxicated head said that he needed to pull a knife on me, and so he did. I had an ankle length floral hippie type dress on and a white pull over sweater (very 90s). A lot of things in my life are a blur, the specifics of this is one of them. I remember looking down at my sweater, stark white cotton reddened by my blood. Then I remember being at the neighbor’s trailer right next door.
Sometime during this event with Wrinkles, the neighbor came over and rescued me. He brought me to his house. I remember calling my boyfriend at the time and telling him what happened. In retrospect, I know that wasn’t the wisest move… scare a lad at that age. But, it was also one of the smarter moves I could have made. Because.. God… intercepts at the right times. I was in this neighbor’s trailer, knife to my wrist, begging for a reason to carry on.
God I wanted to just die, right there. Unloved. Unlovable. Unwanted. Unneeded. Unseen. Unheard.
The neighbor was outside dealing with the police and my mother. (Who, by the way, was yelling loudly and trying to convince the police that I was a crazy teen, violent and unmanageable. I was belligerent, and whatever happened to me I deserved. Really, a knife?.. ok then.) The thing I remember next was some girl I didn’t know come in and taking me into her truck. She had introduced herself as my boyfriend’s friend, who went to school with us, but I had never seen her before. She literally whisked me away, me and my cat. In the period of an hour I was happy, beaten, rescued, suicidal praying to God, Yelling and Cussing out God, whisked away.
How does all this play into my spirituality? Well, the ONLY rules that I had living with her and her family was that I had to attend church with them, and I was home every night for a sit down dinner. I began to learn a healthy family. I began to learn a healthy God. I was comfortable with the God they introduced me to. The pastor was amazing. The pastor sat down with me and actually listened as I purged my concerns about spirituality and where I was mentally with it. I lived with them for a few years, and learned a lot. But the key word… “Learned.”.. I still didn’t “feel” it or “Him.” (But he was there, watching me and protecting me)
As I grew older I began to read about other various religions:
Wiccan – The word “Witch” totally scared the hell out of me, so I found it interesting but not for me.
Buddha – I am currently really attracted to the kindness, passivity, compassion that Buddhism teaches in their Suttras. I may believe in the teachings, but I find that I still pray. I pray to a Christian “God.”
So, where does that leave me today sitting here with the flashing, daunting, cursor? What does this educational, minded, spirituality get me? Stay tuned for Part Deux.