A Tree that Leans

I have been having these dreams for the last couple of weeks. These dreams are so real, and so comforting, that I want to go back to sleep just to carry them on.

The dreams are revolving around a faceless man. I know that I am older, and more tuned into my body; I am thinner, I love the feel of my arms and legs. It is not a sex related dream, but about passion. I am eager to come home to him. I am eager to be held by him. I am eager to be close enough to smell him. I get the feeling he is in some kind of business where he travels. Because in a couple of dreams he’s arriving back after being gone for a short stint.

I know how I feel when we greet again; butterfly stomach, anxiety, sweaty palms. When he arrives, he is always in this very nice slate gray, with a slight shine, button up shirt. He’s taller, much taller than I am, medium build. He’s got jeans on, dark and faded looking. He just throws his long arms around me, pulls me in and we stand there in that stance for what seems like the rest of my dream.

Sometimes I find myself on a brown and ivory colored plaid couch. He’s facing the television, I’ve got my back to his right side, legs extended on the couch, his right arm draped around me. There’s a kitchen behind us, with an open breakfast bar. There’s a soft light, maybe candle, behind his head. I keep trying in my conscious eye to see a face.

It’s never about sex. It’s always about the eagerness to see each other. The comfort. The contentment. The legitimate desire to be around one another. I know he’s older than I am. There is just this beautiful love between us. I get giddy with his text messages.

So, in pondering these dreams the last few days… I asked a couple friends about it. One of them had a very interesting thing to say:

“I mean it’s something we feel subconsciously we can’t have in real life with a partner which is why the person is always unidentifiable. Yet we feel completely safe and trust and why it’s not about sex.I always tell myself that it’s like a vitamin deficient in the soul. Like how a tree will lean, we are just trees that lean.”

I can totally get behind that. In my relationship with my husband, there are HUGE avenues of a relationship that are lacking for me. We are compatible in a very close friendship way. We are not so compatible, in my eyes, in a romantic sort of way. I want romance. He’s too argumentative, sometimes I just like a good hearty discussion not debate. He’s not the same intellect as I am, and I need to be mentally stimulated as much as anything else.

I don’t want to say that my dream is prophetic. But I think it’s more of a reminder that my wants and needs are important as well. These things are missing from my marriage. It may be because we were friends for many, many years before dating.

Maybe I am just a tree that leans; looking for light, nourishment, love, to be held, and content.