Beauty · Compassion · Forgiveness · Gratitude · Happiness · Health · My Life · Self Esteem · Spirit

Little hard on yourself ain’tcha?

I have discovered that since starting this job, I have become harder on myself. I am not entirely sure what it is, or why it is, but I feel myself being super critical with every aspect that makes up “me.” (or at least the “me” I’m learning to discover)

At first I thought it was my age; I felt older than most of the others sitting around me. Then I found out that we’re all actually pretty close in age. Then I thought maybe it was because “5” of us started together as a testing team…

Five.   .   .    Five usually means there’s one odd man out.

I don’t want to say anything and come off needy. I’m not looking to make best friends with anyone.. Just some kind of connection. I feel like the outcast I was in school. Awkward body, strange name, weird sense of humor. I don’t know how much of this I’m manifesting for myself, but the insecurity is there. It possibly could have been the very first day we started together. The manager took everyone out to lunch… I opted not to go. . . Because of my weight. The restaurant was a few blocks away, and in stead of fighting the embarrassment of walking to the establishment out of breath and out of shape, I stayed behind. I think I may have given the illusion I’m awkward and a loner.

Then there’s the weight. A lot of my negative talk is telling me it’s because of my weight. I hate being so fat. I hate that it took so long for the doctor’s to tell me what’s what. I hate that I have this stupid ass disease that requires me to be off and on steroids. I hate that I had a GREAT start to weight loss, 38 pounds… and now I’ve gained it back since the steroid administering. FML. Just because I’m obese, doesn’t mean I’m not a person. I hate that people judge people like we do. Seriously.

I’m a cool chick. I have kick ass interests. I’m lonely..

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Little hard on yourself ain’tcha?

  1. Don’t be so hard on yourself Regan! You need to take your “team” aside one day soon and then tell them about your steroid medications and the after-effects. You can even laugh about it because I would bet that some of them might have been on steroids at some time and had the same effects. You can be a skinny twig and if you start taking heavy-duty steroids, your face especially will swell up like a pumpkin….and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Once you are off steroids, you can start to drop a few of the added pounds but that is all really irrelvent because you are an awesome lady and if they don’t see and appreciate that, then that is just their own faults! Hold your head high! 🙂

  2. Ya know, I was just noticing last night in therapy how hard I am on myself. I wonder where it comes from? (Guess that’s one of the myriad reasons I’m in therapy.) But you know, your wonderful image of your wonderful self is in there – just look at the first part of your last line. It sums it up perfectly. YOU ARE A COOL CHICK. I too feel so very very lonely these days, and after losing 20 pound last year, I’ve gained 15 of it back. I find I keep telling myself things like “after the move, I’ll join the new gym”, “after xyz, I’ll take better care of myself”, etc. Pretty soon, I will remember that there is no “someday” – there is only now. Let your cool chick personality shine, my friend, and the rest will fall into place.

  3. You are such a cool chick, Regan! It’s always hard starting a new job and it may take some time to adjust to the environment. I bet most of this is just your own thinking– those people at work would probably love a new friend! Just be you, darling. You’re wonderful, unique, and loved. I’m rooting for you! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s