I have discovered that since starting this job, I have become harder on myself. I am not entirely sure what it is, or why it is, but I feel myself being super critical with every aspect that makes up “me.” (or at least the “me” I’m learning to discover)
At first I thought it was my age; I felt older than most of the others sitting around me. Then I found out that we’re all actually pretty close in age. Then I thought maybe it was because “5” of us started together as a testing team…
Five. . . Five usually means there’s one odd man out.
I don’t want to say anything and come off needy. I’m not looking to make best friends with anyone.. Just some kind of connection. I feel like the outcast I was in school. Awkward body, strange name, weird sense of humor. I don’t know how much of this I’m manifesting for myself, but the insecurity is there. It possibly could have been the very first day we started together. The manager took everyone out to lunch… I opted not to go. . . Because of my weight. The restaurant was a few blocks away, and in stead of fighting the embarrassment of walking to the establishment out of breath and out of shape, I stayed behind. I think I may have given the illusion I’m awkward and a loner.
Then there’s the weight. A lot of my negative talk is telling me it’s because of my weight. I hate being so fat. I hate that it took so long for the doctor’s to tell me what’s what. I hate that I have this stupid ass disease that requires me to be off and on steroids. I hate that I had a GREAT start to weight loss, 38 pounds… and now I’ve gained it back since the steroid administering. FML. Just because I’m obese, doesn’t mean I’m not a person. I hate that people judge people like we do. Seriously.
I’m a cool chick. I have kick ass interests. I’m lonely..