I go back and read my Life Wheel, the project I started back in February, and I realize that who I am now is so very much not the same girl I was then. I’ve been in an internal reflective path the last week or so, and have found that the same is true for the “me” two years ago, one year ago and yesterday. So, when I go back and read the life wheel, I realize that although the goals were very much needed and important then, they definitely do not reflect who I am today. I can see the changes pending for the future, things I want and desire.
I cried my hardest yesterday, the hardest I had in a long time. I cried for my old self, my old ideals and my marriage. I wept that deep soul cry that aches to the bone. I laid out who I was when I started dating my husband. I then laid out all that’s bothering me now in regards to the marriage. I then cried harder over the realization that I have moved past any salvageable area to repair how I’m feeling. The group and my counselor all provided me with methods to start ‘the’ conversation. The one he has to know is coming; I know he can feel it and see it. There’s been a shift within me. My dreams for myself have grown so much, that I’m dying in suffocation because I cannot proceed with them.
I love him, I really do. But he deserves someone who is his match. He’s my best friend, I want to keep him as my best friend… but I want a lover in my life.
After our talk, there will be another revamp of the blog.
Word of the day:
revivified – To impart new life, energy, or spirit to.