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How it went..

all rights reserved ©Tatsu Subaru

I’ve been biting my tongue a lot lately, in regards to my husband and marriage. He’s been saying, doing and behaving in a way that either incites a fight, or causes me to get even more resentful. I was waiting for the right time to tell him about my plans for my future, but it never seemed right. Last night, however, I don’t know what came over me, verbal diarrhea, but I blurted it out.

Again, he was saying and doing something that just immediately set me into defensive overdrive. Instead of snapping at him, I simply said..”In about a year Bug is going to want to head off to Job Corps. At that time I’d like to move out on my own.” He said, “I know. I’ve been trying to figure it out financially for a few weeks now.” Then he went into totally discounting my feelings, almost seeming to insult me.

“”I know you need to do what you think you need to do for yourself. I don’t agree with it, but I understand. I know you’ll come back eventually” he says almost cocky like.

I’d love to hate him, I’ve love to be able to have drama that breaks up the relationship; I mean after all this is what I’m accustomed to in my life. The norm for me to slip out of a friendship/relationship/anything is through a negative mean. This is all so foreign to me… being responsible and rational about my wants and desires. But, I love him as a great friend. He was totally what I needed when we got together. Last night, I told him this.

“I needed a backbone and support when we started dating.” I started. “I love that you were there for me, my support, when I was afraid to do so myself. We’ve been best friends for years now, years… and I don’t want to lose that.” I started to cry.

Then we talked about finances, budgets and what I’ll need to be making to make it work.

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4 thoughts on “How it went..

  1. I sensed from some recent posts this is what you have been leaning towards doing. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you must be riding right now. Part of me is on that roller coaster with you, as I am envious of your courage and yet fearful for the unknown right along side you. what a new adventure this could turn into for you.

  2. I am SOOO proud of you and how you handled yourself in talking to your husband last night, Regan! I know how scary it is…afraid that once the words come out of your mouth and they go out into the universe that it’s too late to take them back…and then the “what if’s” set in i.e. “What if I’m making a mistake?” I remember when I wanted to divorce my husband I had to ask myself “Would I be better off with him or without him?” (“without” was my answer) and “Did I try everything that I could to the best of my ability to make this marriage work?” (“Yes.”) I knew that it was the best decision for me and my son (I think my son was like 4 at the time.) I have absolutely no regrets. The bottom line is we didn’t come this freakin’ far to remain *stagnant.* No, this isn’t all there is! There’s more! You just need to keep moving through things and do the best you can…just for today. Don’t waste your life saying “I wish I would have.” (And who wants all that karma next time? LOL) You know that I’m here for you…and you know that I love you very much…and you know that I’m so darn proud of you and the steps you’ve taken in your life to improve who you are. You’re a beautiful woman, Regan and I think you freakin’ rock! (You remind me so much of me when I was your age. 🙂 *SMILE* LOL) XOXO

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