Sitting here, cup of hot tea, blanket wrapped around me, fighting off some weird stomach bug. As with any time home alone, I have found myself in a quandary of contemplations.
Divorce is a big, scary word, but know what is even more daunting? Preparing for the future. I am scared witless over figuring out my budget, itemizing priorities, and making it “go”. I am terrified of failing. I need to do this, I know that a lot of people, including him, doesn’t understand why I have to do this. I’m tired of being “mom” to a son and husband. I’m tired of having a filthy house, that no one doesn’t care about. I am tired of clutter and desire a minimalistic style. I need to stand on my own two feet, but I am very afraid of failing.
I am also haunted by the thoughts that I am not worthy of a “happy ending.” I am dreamy, yes.. I know this. I know that “happy” is a vague word, and that our life isn’t always “happy.” I know that we have to be happy ourselves, to recognize and enjoy happiness around us. I just can’t live in a deadened marriage. We’re very stagnant. We’re not a passionate, lovemaking, cuddling, intimate couple. I need that. I am not trying to be greedy, self centered, or a bitch. But I also know that I cannot live in a life with a person who doesn’t see things equally.
Which leads me into my value. I am trying to find my value. What is my value? I am great catch; if you’re not hung up on skinny girls. My major flaw is my weight. I want someone who’s as sexually charged as I am. I don’t want someone with an Oedipus Complex….. (this is not a reference to my husband…this is a personal reference for my bff) I really..just want to get laid, lol. (another reference for Bff).
But, in all of these desires in a relationship, I know that I am not looking for a relationship right now. Fuck, I’m a mess. I need to get “me” going and rolling and surviving before I even contemplate relationships. But, a girl has physical needs too. Dreams include, but not limited to going back to college, staying in counseling, getting weight down, and keeping my chakra open to receive.