Sitting here, cup of hot tea, blanket wrapped around me, fighting off some weird stomach bug. As with any time home alone, I have found myself in a quandary of contemplations.
Divorce is a big, scary word, but know what is even more daunting? Preparing for the future. I am scared witless over figuring out my budget, itemizing priorities, and making it “go”. I am terrified of failing. I need to do this, I know that a lot of people, including him, doesn’t understand why I have to do this. I’m tired of being “mom” to a son and husband. I’m tired of having a filthy house, that no one doesn’t care about. I am tired of clutter and desire a minimalistic style. I need to stand on my own two feet, but I am very afraid of failing.
I am also haunted by the thoughts that I am not worthy of a “happy ending.” I am dreamy, yes.. I know this. I know that “happy” is a vague word, and that our life isn’t always “happy.” I know that we have to be happy ourselves, to recognize and enjoy happiness around us. I just can’t live in a deadened marriage. We’re very stagnant. We’re not a passionate, lovemaking, cuddling, intimate couple. I need that. I am not trying to be greedy, self centered, or a bitch. But I also know that I cannot live in a life with a person who doesn’t see things equally.
Which leads me into my value. I am trying to find my value. What is my value? I am great catch; if you’re not hung up on skinny girls. My major flaw is my weight. I want someone who’s as sexually charged as I am. I don’t want someone with an Oedipus Complex….. (this is not a reference to my husband…this is a personal reference for my bff) I really..just want to get laid, lol. (another reference for Bff).
But, in all of these desires in a relationship, I know that I am not looking for a relationship right now. Fuck, I’m a mess. I need to get “me” going and rolling and surviving before I even contemplate relationships. But, a girl has physical needs too. Dreams include, but not limited to going back to college, staying in counseling, getting weight down, and keeping my chakra open to receive.
365 Days of Gratitude 