Is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.
I have missed counseling for a couple weeks now. Last week it was due to missing Monday because of a holiday, I needed the hours. This week it was because I’m sick. I hate it, I hate the guilt that I have from missing the appointments. It’s also hard to go to Downtown Seattle for work, back to Auburn for counseling, then back to Burien to live. But, all in all, things are well.
Some of the stuff I’m having a hard time contending with is night time loneliness. I mean, really lonely. I have spent the last eight years with a kid, dogs, husband and roommate milling about the house. Now, I’m in a room.. and all I have are my thoughts to keep me company. If any of you who read this know anything about self thoughts, they can be overwhelming and daunting. Even though I meditate, being alone and having thoughts can be scary.
This is the first time in my life I have really been, “alone.” When I look back from childhood forward I either had siblings, foster siblings, roommates, a kid, a husband, boyfriends. I have never really had moments of solitude like this. I don’t know what scares me more, being alone or being lonely. I keep questioning myself, and it seems to be at every chance my mind gets to do so.
A lot of what’s dominating my thought process is, “Did I make the right decision?” Did I, when the choice I made to leave my husband was set, was it the right one? I question myself every day… EVERY day over this. Especially when something goes wrong. A disagreement with a roommate, a rough day at work, a car issue, money issues…. I feel like every step, every decision, I’m making is scrutinized by dear old Universe him/herself. I feel constantly tested… and (knock on wood) the only positive thing right now is my job. I fucking love my job. I think my world would implode if something happens to the job. Besides my son, it’s the only real positive I have going on right now.
My mind is stressing my heart and soul out. I am spending too much time in my head, trying not to work from my heart space. My head is so overpowering, my thoughts are heavy. It’s suffocating my ability to feel openly and process each feeling. I am terrified of failing and even more terrified of change. I am really tired of being lonely. I need to totally learn to be ok with myself.