Beauty, Buddha, Changes, Changing, Faith, Forgiveness, God, Healing, Hope, Hug, Journey, My Life, Positivity, Self Esteem, Spirit, Suicide

Absence of Fear

© Deviant by DeathCabforEmily

  “How we look is not important. How we behave is. Regardless what we look like on the outside we are the most stunningly beautiful people every time we lead with our peaceful, kind, patient, and loving hearts.” – Blessings, Regina

Beauty in the Breakdown… or more appropriately … Breakdown in the Beauty. This is a blog entry that will be surrounded around a lot of honesty. Please don’t judge, nor think I’m looking for attention.

Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep. The thoughts surrounding my mind were those of suicide. I am trying to find my worth, my place, my value in this life. I contemplated how many pills I had on hand, and wondered how many it would take to help me sleep indefinitely. And ended up crying myself asleep.

I woke up about 2:30 to use the restroom. I came back to my room and just kind of sat in the middle of my room. My mind quickly went back to thoughts of ending my life. I sat there, kind of blank when a text came through.

2:44a.m. – Thank you mom… I love you so much.
The text was from my son… the only thing that is keeping me going in this life. This makes twice that he’s saved me. This makes twice suicide was an option, and he’s come through to be the most important thing.

Rewind to 1994/5. I had a great, great friend named Johnathon Honeycutt. He was my soul mate, my kin, my everything. He committed suicide. He tore my life apart. Quickly there after I too started to contemplate suicide. I begged and pleaded to which ever higher power existed to give me a sign that I’m not supposed to take my life.

Three days later I found out I was pregnant. If that’s not a sure fire way to prove to someone that they’re life is worth living, not sure what else is. My son was born June 8, 1996

Except maybe…. a text at 2:44am from the very child that saved your life, and thoughts, from suicide. He is my teacher. He is here to guide me. The hard part is realizing it, and following his lead.

I know that this song is supposed to be a love song, but it really is how I feel towards my son. He is my life, the reason I breathe.

Absence of Fear – Jewel Kilcher

Inside my skin
There is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
Inside my heart
There’s an empty room
It’s waiting for lightning
It’s waiting for you

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
Inside the absence
Of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In a separate skin
I’ll make myself translucent
To let you in

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
Inside the absence
Of fear

There is the splendor of this
Secret inside of me
And it knows that you’re no stranger
You’re my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness
And they will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

I am wanting and
I am needing you
To be here
I need you near
Inside the absence
Of fear

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