. Writing ., Beauty, Belief, Blessings, Changes, Changing, Compassion, Faith, Forgiveness, Friends, Friendship, God, Gratitude, Health, Hope, Jesus, Journey, Love, My Life

Narcissistic Mirror.

BEFORE YOU READ, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE, WATCH THIS VIDEO!


 “And if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror. Look a little closer, just stare a little longer, because there’s something inside you that made you keep going despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and you signed it yourself, you signed it ‘They were wrong.” – Shane Koyczan

I’ve never really gotten over those things- it’s still strange to see myself in the mirror. (Which is part of the reason you see me post so many pictures of myself- it doesn’t really FEEL like -me-. It’s not narcissism, it’s that I still hear them saying, “ugly! dog!”) – VHM

A friend of mine knows me so well. She sent me a link to this video a couple days ago. The first time I watched it I cried. I cried for me.

The second time I watched it, I cried again and then went on the hunt to research more about it. I cried for the author Shane Koyczan.

I watched it again today and made some realizations about myself, which brings me full circle as to why I cried in the first place. Like the quote from VHM above, I too post a lot of pictures of me. I can’t believe that it is me. It’s not narcissism, I just don’t believe it is me.

A huge part of me can see a picture of me and think, “She’s kind of pretty.” It’s ok for me to relate to “me” as another person, “she.” But, I cannot say, “Man, I am beautiful.” I don’t believe it.

I cannot look in a mirror and believe that I am beautiful.  I see pictures of myself and I cannot believe that it is me that the camera actually captured.

Look a little closer, just stare a little longer, because there’s something inside you that made you keep going despite everyone who told you to quit…”  and believe me…”quit” really is what I was told.

I am not fishing for compliments. I am stating how it is.
I was told how ugly I was growing up… by my mother.
I was told how ugly I was growing up… by my classmates.

“Dog” “Whore” “Slut” “Whale”

How do you change how you see and feel about yourself? I have little stickers all around my house that my guy put up for me. He spent his day off writing “You Are Beautiful” on post-it notes and stuck them in places I would see.
Open a cupboard, there’s a note.
Sit on the toilet and WAYYYY above my head on the cathedral ceiling is a note, “You Are Beautiful.”.. I’d only be able to see it as soon as I sat down on the toilet and looked in the mirror.

He spent his day trying to find places to remind me that I am beautiful.

I still don’t believe it. I doubt I ever will. I want to know why is it that I can look at someone who looks like me and think she is beautiful, but cannot believe it for myself. I want to know what blinders are over my soul that does not allow me to truly believe it in myself.

I see pictures of  me… to try to remind me that it is in fact.. ME. The camera doesn’t lie. It’s there, it’s proof.

I do believe in myself, however. I believe in my strength. I believe I am intelligent. I believe I am adaptable. I believe I am compassionate.

I AM is a strong mantra for me. (I AM linked to my mantra page)

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