Narcissistic Mirror.

BEFORE YOU READ, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE, WATCH THIS VIDEO!

 “And if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror. Look a little closer, just stare a little longer, because there’s something inside you that made you keep going despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and you signed it yourself, you signed it ‘They were wrong.” – Shane Koyczan

I’ve never really gotten over those things- it’s still strange to see myself in the mirror. (Which is part of the reason you see me post so many pictures of myself- it doesn’t really FEEL like -me-. It’s not narcissism, it’s that I still hear them saying, “ugly! dog!”) – VHM

A friend of mine knows me so well. She sent me a link to this video a couple days ago. The first time I watched it I cried. I cried for me.

The second time I watched it, I cried again and then went on the hunt to research more about it. I cried for the author Shane Koyczan.

I watched it again today and made some realizations about myself, which brings me full circle as to why I cried in the first place. Like the quote from VHM above, I too post a lot of pictures of me. I can’t believe that it is me. It’s not narcissism, I just don’t believe it is me.

A huge part of me can see a picture of me and think, “She’s kind of pretty.” It’s ok for me to relate to “me” as another person, “she.” But, I cannot say, “Man, I am beautiful.” I don’t believe it.

I cannot look in a mirror and believe that I am beautiful.  I see pictures of myself and I cannot believe that it is me that the camera actually captured.

“Look a little closer, just stare a little longer, because there’s something inside you that made you keep going despite everyone who told you to quit…”  and believe me…”quit” really is what I was told.

I am not fishing for compliments. I am stating how it is.
I was told how ugly I was growing up… by my mother.
I was told how ugly I was growing up… by my classmates.

“Dog” “Whore” “Slut” “Whale”

How do you change how you see and feel about yourself? I have little stickers all around my house that my guy put up for me. He spent his day off writing “You Are Beautiful” on post-it notes and stuck them in places I would see.
Open a cupboard, there’s a note.
Sit on the toilet and WAYYYY above my head on the cathedral ceiling is a note, “You Are Beautiful.”.. I’d only be able to see it as soon as I sat down on the toilet and looked in the mirror.

He spent his day trying to find places to remind me that I am beautiful.

I still don’t believe it. I doubt I ever will. I want to know why is it that I can look at someone who looks like me and think she is beautiful, but cannot believe it for myself. I want to know what blinders are over my soul that does not allow me to truly believe it in myself.

I see pictures of  me… to try to remind me that it is in fact.. ME. The camera doesn’t lie. It’s there, it’s proof.

I do believe in myself, however. I believe in my strength. I believe I am intelligent. I believe I am adaptable. I believe I am compassionate.

I AM is a strong mantra for me. (I AM linked to my mantra page)