2013 was the year of a lot of trials and not very many triumphs; as you could have read on my blog throughout the year. It has been filled with a lot of isolation, depression, and lacking gratitude or inner strength. It hurts even worse to have my 17-year-old son tell me this:
Me: I love you kid. You are my only good thing in life.
Bug: I love you too. And don’t say that. Because its not true. You’ve done plenty. But you never follow through. Follow something through mom. Like your book. Or your forensics.
Me: Do you know the ONLY thing I’ve ever followed through on was the paranormal stuff. I’ve never completed anything. College. Book. Life. It hurts that it takes my son to tell me this.
Bug: I know. You need to finish something. Find your most complete thing And do it. And I say it because I know it’s the kick in the ass you need.
So, the conclusion is this: I need change. We all need change, but I personally, truly, need change….. again.
I started this blog on 1/25/2010 with my first entry being, “Seeking Peace.” The whole reason I started this blog was because of the severe depressive state I was in. My life, to me, felt like it was spinning out of control and I was weighted down in the epicenter with no relief, no release, no calm. The idea for when I started this blog was to find something every day to be thankful for. Something positive. I would force myself to blog about anything that I “felt” during those dark times, because I barely felt anything at all.
Four years later life has come full circle.
I read past my last few posts and shrivel just a little more internally. My life is not grand. I thought I was divorcing my husband for greener pastures… He seemed to have found them before I did. But it’s all me. These are my choices. Instead of dwelling on them and spending eternity sinking deeper than the Titanic, drowning like the maiden voyage’s passengers and freezing life out like the frozen iceberg that sunk her… I need to refocus. It took my 17 year old son, the old beautiful soul he is, to remind me of this.
I need to get back to my daily posts, even if it is just a small little glimpse of something to be thankful for. I need to really embody the focus and title of this blog: 365 Days of Gratitude.
This is my challenge to myself. I will not post a resolution, for those are breeding grounds of failure. I will, however, review my “I AM” page and remember who I was when I wrote it and who I am right now at the very moment(s) I spend reading them.
Finally, I do need to finish something in my life.
My novel(s) I have started writing. My A.A. degree.