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Not your fetish.

Realistically, I know I’ll never get below 180-200. I come from big people. My mother lost a ton of weight a while back, has since gained it back, but she lost 200+ lbs. She got down to about 160 and plateaued. It’s our body, shape, bone structure. It is our heredity.

I went from 363 down to 298 just after I left my ex-husband in 2011. I got back up to 340 over the last two years as I tried to survive through this past relationship. The only thing I could control was my eating and intake. Even if it was comfort food, I could control it.

I’m sitting at 340. This is who I am. I also hate the fact that for me to find real, genuine, simple love I have to fit into a “perfect package”.


I hate it.
I hate the way my body looks and reacts to things.
I hate looks I get from other women, like I’m a disappointment to the female gender as a whole.
I hate judgement from outsiders.
I hate that men think I’m a fetish.
Or that my fat body is perceived in others that I must be easy and desperate.
Or that my fat body means I will settle, that all I’m worth is abuse, neglect, hurt, hate, anger.

I am not your affair. I am not your secret. I am worth so much fucking more than that. Do not contact me, ever, if you’re married and looking to get your rocks off. Roll over, stroke your wife at night… THAT’S WHY YOU MARRIED HER.

Don’t contact me if you’re playing a bunch of women, off / on, during the same duration of time; especially if there’s a small chance these woman are going to communicate with one another. Don’t get all defensive if you’re called out on it, as you have been in the past. Don’t blame your victims either. Your exes did not intentionally hurt you, they’re just fed up with the shit you’ve put them through.This is tonight conversation with a dude I haven’t talked to in years. We initially met in high school, twenty years ago. We never talked. We were never friends. We were just friends of friends. He added me on Facebook a bit ago and proceeded to message me off and on. He was always complimenting me, but it always felt “off” to me. In this new era of me, I’m learning to trust it a bit more. I confronted him with it after this:

AB: Okay I think I’m stalking you?!!!
Me: Why? o.O ???
AB: I got on Facebook and I was thinking of you
Me: I have to ask, for a man who’s married, with kids, why would you be thinking of me? Or make comments about my beauty, etc?
AB: Is this for your book or personal experience?….
Me: It’s for my own curiosity.
AB: I think you’re beautiful because I know you
Me: I’m just confused as to why a married man would discuss their attraction with another woman online. You have a wife. This doesn’t make me feel good, in fact, it makes me feel awkward. I’m not that kind of woman. Nor do I want to be.
AB: Yes I am married. There should be no confusion I think your beautiful, yet I tell you so and you feel uncomfortable.
AB: Hello my little hottie friend from the east!
AB: What are you thinking about right now and don’t lie?
AB: I am very intrigued! I’ve always found you beautiful, I find you more attractive that your native!

First off creeper…starting a conversation with someone “I’m stalking you” knowing all the abuse and stalking shit she’s gone through the last few months is NOT a good thing. In fact, it waves a huge red flag. 


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