I had an amazing counseling visit today. I walked out feeling pretty good about myself. I do not have the air of burden, stress and mental exhaustion as I usually do. There were just a few things that were said tonight that made me feel really good about myself. It’s great to be heard, and observed, by someone who does not know me, relay to me her view of who I am. I feel validated.
The one comment she made that resonated the most with me, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.” How bloody true is this? Seriously. When a person comes from the chaotic, negative childhood that I have it is no wonder that I got involved with the partners in my life that I have. They’re the demons that I am familiar with.
There are many times I have stated, “I can understand why women go back to their abuser.” This does not mean that I WILL or that I AM, going back. It simply means that it is far easier for me to deal with the demons I am all too familiar with than trying to learn the dance with any new devil trying to feed on my vulnerabilities.
I have come to an impasse where I have decided I want to stay sensitive and compassionate without being vulnerable or a victim; prey. I need to learn to regulate emotions in the moment. I need to learn to stop, listen to the fallacy I am telling myself, weigh out the reality and react accordingly. The best part of all of this, is that I am at that point in my life where I want to. I am that point in my life where I could do one of three things:
A. Become my mother, self medicate, drink myself retarded, cause fights and push everyone around me away so I will eventually die alone.
B. Realize the reality of what is going on inside of me, and how it is effecting my life externally and internally, and seek guidance to help recognize and regulate all of this.
C. Be completely depressed, numb and suicidal.
Well, option A is No Bueno. I do not want to become my mother. I do not want to die alone, with my child hating me to my grave. I do not want to drink and use that as an avenue to create chaos and blame the drink. I’m stand behind communication and accountability.
Option C is not an option either. As much as I have contemplated suicide over the last two years, and even in the hospital last July for a 6 hour suicide watch, I know that this is NOT an option. I have too much inside me fighting to survive. My passion, my heart, my soul is fighting those demons in my head telling me I suck and death would be easier. I have a fighter in me. It’s about damned time I embrace and thank her.
Option B is best. I can do this. I want to do this. I am at that juncture where I am able to do this. I think the path laid out before me is meant to be cohesive so that I can complete my inner workings. I’m working part time. I have minimal responsibilities. I can pay my debt down and work with counselors to heal my insides.
This, after raising my son, is by far my biggest adventure yet.
And finally, an observation about myself. I need to stop justifying with, “I’m just trying to…” I just want to…”
The word “just” needs to be removed from my vocabulary. I need to stop prefacing anything I might feel will hurt the other person with, “I just..” to me it is no different than, “Just kidding.”