(I just want to say that I am forcing myself to write this blog. I need to write this blog to remind myself of the good thing about me. I’m replaying things my abuser said to me, over and over, tonight. I need to work through this blog, no matter how long, or how hard it is, to write.)
“I love it when women are learning to love themselves…”
This is me right now. I am so learning to love myself. And man, I am really learning it. Whether it be a hard and real lesson, or a simple guided message, I am learning.
Some of the things I have learned to love about myself:
I love my spunk. I love it. I am truly a unique individual. Not only am I unique, but I’m useful too.
Let me tell you a story. About three years ago, 2011, I needed to make amends with a lot of people in my life. One of them was my best friend from jr. and sr. high school. I am not entirely sure why I have to make amends, I never really knew what happened between us, but I did. I sought her out on facebook an found her page. I wrote a long letter of apology. It didn’t go anywhere, but, she changed her facebook picture that day to this one:
I felt this was directly aimed at me. From that point forward, I kind of internalized it. I thought “I’ve always been told I’m a big weird, and I always thought it was a compliment.” I took her picture as a slam. I held onto that through the years because, my recent life struggle had be believing I wasn’t useful. In fact, I was a waste of space and air. Well .. you know what. I am Unique. I am Useful. And I LOVE IT. I don’t have to be conformed to societies standards to be useful. I can be me, in every way.
I also love my mind. I have spent a long time afraid of my thoughts. I am learning to really enjoy my mind. I’m intelligent. I am clever and witty. I am quick with my wit. I love how my mind works. My mind helps me see in others what they cannot see in themselves. That’s very important to me.
I love my compassion and my heart. I have a big heart. I love that about me. I love compassionate beings. I love that I embody my beliefs. That’s all I got for now.
I also love women who inspire others. I wanted to create a list of women in my life who have inspired me. It’s in their strength, I have found my own. It’s in their compassion, that I have the courage to be compassionate. It is in their struggles in life, that I have found I can love my struggles as well. Each struggle is a growth point.
Karen. You.. are me.. I .. am you. If I can glimpse at my future and find I am like any woman in my life, I would want to be like you. You have survived and come through SO MUCH. You’re so wonderful. You’re courageous. You’re beautiful. I love the snot out of you. You inspire me by proving to me that I can grow up and be radical too; despite the shit our life has given us.
Lilly. You. Are. Light. You are the Universe. YOU.. EMBODY.. BEAUTY!! You are such an inspiration. From the moment we met on that crazy ass website… to Dalai Lama and Seeds of Compassion… to weight loss, divorces, children, moving so far away from me… you will ALWAYS hold a chunk of my soul, heart, mind. Every person who is lucky enough to be graced by your light is one lucky bastard. This randomness right here, I know you get it. I know you feel it. This randomness, is all for you. I miss you. You inspire other women. You inspire life. You inspire me. And I am grateful to have you in my life.
Amanda. Your harsh, to the point, beer drinking, cigar smoking (okay, I made that up, but I wouldn’t put it past you), foul mouthed self is such a breath of fresh air. Even though we have never physically met, anything you say to me I listen to. Any advice you give, I love it. You’re real. Your one of those rare, real, no holds barred type of women.. and I think more women should be like you. You inspire others with your truth, honesty and just being you. Don’t change.
Amber. You.. are crazy.sexy.cool. I love your art. I love your mind. I love your reality. . . even if it’s so far bent from my own. But you know what, we need women like you. You’re real, you’re sincere. You’re an inspiration to me. You’ve gone through hell and back, literally, and I wouldn’t change any aspect of you for anything.