Let me preface this entry by saying it has literally taken me a week to write it. I apologize in advance for the length. If you actually read through the entirety of it, thank you!
I am unsure how to process and implement my thoughts into a blog. I know it’s more profound than these simple words can convey.
“Can I tell you an observation I made about you?” He asked me while we were driving. “Sure..” I said with a hesitancy that encamped my face like a mask; lip chewing, wide eyed, …bracing self for the worst. His hand was on my knee, my arms were across my chest like fleshy armor that could deflect anything my mind preempts him saying.
“Your whole life you’ve only experienced conditional love. All the love you’ve received has come with a cost, or a price, … a condition.” He began, I loosened my grip I had around myself. “Those who were supposed to love you the most, never showed you what unconditional love is. Your mom, the one who is supposed to be that teacher, never taught you what it means.” He’s right, you know. He’s right in every way. We had this discussion after an even bigger discussion about some of the wounded memories I have from my childhood.
Last weekend was the first test, if that’s what you want to call it, of “us”. I had a very rough emotional time last due to things involving my batterer; past battles resurrecting trying to sabotage my happiness. This is their routine, see. I am all familiar with the sabotage and mutiny that takes place inside me. My head, heart and soul are in constant battle. It essentially was the first time he has seen me fighting my demons, in a true battle; one that devastated and crippled me.
My cycle of abuse with the batterer always started out with “picking on me.” It quickly turned to picking with some mean intent. I’d get fed up, ask him to stop and that would start a fight. That fight would escalate to physical violence.
My new love, my passionate man, was picking on me in all fun. We were gaming, hanging out with his friends, making characters for a roleplaying game. Tossing jokes around, teasing each other… this is what a normal couple does. This is what friends do with one another. I played along, but, inside me the fear for the unknown grew fat on the meaty “what ifs” vittles laid out by my demons. After everyone left, I eventually popped. Took a bath and cried my eyes out. He came into the bathroom, pulled up a piece of floor and talk me through it. He rubbed my back, work through my process. . . with such unconditional love.
I know that there is more heart and soul intent burning inside me than I can ever formally share. The simplest statement, the easiest way for me to say this is by saying, I have found my match. I really believe this rings so true with him. He takes my hand. He pulls me close. He kisses my shoulder. He whispers into my ear, “I’m here. I’m in, babe.” My demons fight so hard against it. Trying to convince me otherwise. Telling me he’s in for now, but wait, we’re stronger than him and we’ll prove right in the end.
I’ve been so adamant that I will battle these demons on my own. I am so sure that will be my own hero, that I don’t need saving, I just need someone to remind my heart and soul when my head starts to win. That I’m somewhat blindsided by this passionate, patient, loving man. He’s so good about getting right into me, right into my heart, and speaking a language that I’ve only dreamt could be real.
There’s a process here. A process involving deep work, like battling demons, and a process that involves learning to let go and let love. I feel very blessed to have him in my life. I feel very loved. I’m very thankful for him. He’s teaching me to change my attitude towards the negative self talk. Hes working with me, guiding me, as opposed to insulting me. It’s frightening and refreshing.
I love this man, I love his arms around me. I love his soft gentle voice telling me I’m worth it. I that he is willing to work with me as I change myself, instead of forcing me to change. He’s always telling me that I’m perfect the way I am, he loves me unconditionally. Total foreign land. Total foreign territory. But I love it. I love him. I’m excited for us.