I never hid who I was; fully. I never tried to keep buried the emotional mess I am. I have a friend who used to use the name, “Beauty in the Breakdown”, at that time I didn’t really ‘get’ it. Now, at this juncture in my life, I totally get it.
When we were together, I never hid “me”. I was somewhat accused of being emotionally unavailable. After we spoke last night, however, I believe he was somewhat emotionally unavailable.
He relayed to me last night he would have married me. He informed me that he had actually seen a future with me, us.. together. His words, “Because, I’m a dumb ass? I tried.. I know I failed. I see that. But I did try. I was too fucking stupid to express it properly… what a douche’.”
Naw, really??? You think? He spent months trying to convince me that he doesn’t live for the future, he’s a carpe’ diem type of guy. Seize the day, live for today only. “I don’t attach to the future like that. I don’t have those kinds of dreams.” I literally heard this from him. THIS was our BIGGEST failing. I’m a woman and with that comes the territory of hopes and dreams. We live for the “ooey gooey” romantic bullshit. Why do you think romantic comedies are such a great fucking genre’ of films? Women… Dream.
But he tells me now?? NOW?? He backs it up with, “I can’t, I won’t and I don’t want to go back to that with you.”
So you love me, but you don’t.
You wanted a future with me, but you didn’t.
You think I’m this “awesome incredible chick”, but not enough so to fight through whatever the breakdown in our communications were.
I was promised a safe house to work through my emotional turmoil that sat upon my shoulders like the world on Atlas’. I was promised “home” to land at after spreading my wings for growth. But then you panicked and bailed. You panicked and pulled back. You panicked and “let me go” as you say. I don’t see it as letting me go. I feel a bunch of broken promises from a man who scared himself with the reality of actually settling down, finding true love and threw it away when it became too real.
Now, in the end, and in my healing process, I get to look back and realize that there is some emotional dysfunct on his end too. But I don’t hate him. I don’t even dislike him. I’m still very much in love with him, and every other man (if I date ever again) when compared will be found lacking in so many ways. Two very broken souls, from two very broken homes with two very broken love pasts, are not set forth in attempting to do it all again.
But I am thankful for him, in keeping true to my blog’s actual theme of gratitude. I am thankful for him. I learned, after the two year abusive partner, that I AM worthy of love. I am worth being completely in love with someone. That eventually, I will be loved unconditionally. I will receive support when needed, from someone who wants to genuinely gift it to me. I am beautiful, and there are people who do love me regardless of height, weight, size, intelligence.
I thank him for the love he was able to give, in the best manner he knew how.