. Writing ., Abuse, Batterer, Belief, Depression, Fear, Health, Hope, Journey, My Life, Self Acceptance, Self Esteem, Self Love, Spirit, Suicide

Inside out

anxiety-cycle

I am going to do my best to describe exactly what is going on in and out of my body right now. Anxiety and depression are a silent killer. I don’t care what people say, I am slowly dying. I’ve been calling it my slow and silent suicide. It all began the moment I stepped out of the shower this morning.
I had an appointment at the local DSHS office today to assess for disability and medical coverage. I hadn’t even gotten out of my car yet, and the sweating started. I open the doors and enter the facility, the shaking starts. I’m nauseated, dizzy and panicky feeling. I feel like I need to run away. I’m sitting there in a wave of people, loud kids, trying really hard not to lose my insides all over the lobby. I literally feel like I’m exploding from the inside out.
I’m called up to the counter, I can’t even state my name. I’m in such an anxiety ridden body that I’m talking too quietly. In my head the voices are telling me, “everyone’s listening”… “everyone knows your business.” This alone causes more shakes. I begun to wring my hands together, rubbing the corners of my thumb cuticles raw.
I get through the interview, get back to my car and immediately break down. I’m cry like a frightened child. I cried the whole 14 miles back home. I entered home, immediately enter the bathroom and puke.
This… this is not living.
This… is not quality of life.
This… is a portion of who I used to be.
All the while, the other half of my mind’s voices are telling me, “This is not who you are. Get over it. Buck up and learn to live again. Get out of this funk.”
I am literally split. I’m black and I’m white. I’m yin and yang. It’s too intense for me. What the hell is wrong with me. I miss who I was before meeting the abuser. I miss that life. I miss the job, the friends, the social. I hate this. I hate me. I hate this life now.
I’m exhausted.
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3 thoughts on “Inside out”

  1. You are still here. You still breathe in and out. Sometimes, that is all we can manage when it hits… but when it’s bad, that can be just enough to see us into the next moment.

    Breathe.

    There will be relief again.
    Believe that you can get to the next minute. When you get there, focus on the next minute, the next breath.

    When it’s bad, when the body turns into a human fist, one breath is everything.
    Get to that breath, & revel in the fact that you made it.

    By the time you read all this comment… how many breaths did you take?

    See? You rock.
    Now – breathe.

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