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Bare Bones

I had a conversation with someone this morning in regards to domestic violence, getting out and finding myself again. I am literally bare bones. I am stripped down to nothing trying to rebuild, and I have no clue where to start. A few things were said that really triggered me, and I felt I needed to write a blog to work through what it was exactly triggered me.
She said to me, “You need to find you…. and where you want to fit in your own life.”
After she had written this to me, I broke down and cried. Since she said it, I have been crying periodically. This took place about noon; it is now 8:32pm.
I cried because of the reality in which her words stung. I don’t even know where I fit in my own life anymore. I cried because I didn’t know how to respond. I cried at how exposed and raw I feel. Through sinew and marrow. Through cells and bile. Through surface and core. Raw, bare bones. 
I know, I know, I know. I’ve read all of the quotes. I’ve listened and heard all of the motivational comments from friends. I’ve processed it. I sit here daily, on my couch, without motivation to do anything… without motivation to even care to do anything. I have big ideas in my head of things I want to do. Things I dream of achieving. But I sit. Daily. Not caring.

So here I am, open and available, and all I can motivate myself to do is sleep. I am nearing my one year anniversary of getting out of the abusive relationship, but the abuse hasn’t stopped. I’m more abusive towards myself. I can’t flee myself. 

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One thought on “Bare Bones

  1. I know how you feel. I myself come from a similar back ground and it is a process to healing. Please don’t put your self on a time frame or time limit, just take it one day at a time and one day you will wake up and notice the baby steps to healing you have made. Loving yourself is very important at this time. I used to do a lot of meditation and praying and doing things that reinforced making myself feel good. One thing I did learn was not to wallow too long. I would allot myself a certain amount of time to cry and say woe is me. But after that I became busy and everytime those bad thoughts came back I would release them and let them go so that I could move on or else I found myself stuck in a bad place. I hope what I wrote here helps you some. I just wanted to share this with you, not that you have to do any of it. But hang in there.

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