The “nots” and what not.

I am flooded with vile images and statements about being fat; whether it’s echoes from my childhood, or from my doctor, or from my own cynical self loathing mind. Just type the word “fat” into google and see what comes up. Hell, there’s even a “all fat people must die” subcategory on reddit dedicated to mocking, hating and threatening people who are overweight.

Where do I fit in on this planet? Transgendered individuals have more respected space in our society than an overweight person does. Think about that for a moment. What the hell is wrong with people?

My worth is not defined by my weight. It just is not. I have so many amazing qualities that are unfortunately packaged in an unflattering body; ironically it’s only unflattering because we are in a society that pushes image more than anything else.

I am not a thin woman.
I do not fit in the conventional, conformed ideas of what being a woman is.
I am not okay in my head, I have a lot of struggles.
I am not fat, I have a lot of fat. 
I am not defined by my weight. 

I know that I am worthy of love that I give to others. I know my worth. I have, however, lost all faith in the process anymore; the romance, and the “whole wooing the woman you want for the rest of your life ideals”.

I’m have a lot of fat on me, a lot. I also know that if you put me in a line of women, I would never get chosen. Men see with their eyes. They’re very vain and physically driven. The reality, the “raw” of it, is that my humor, intellect and personality are no longer in the running. We are, unfortunately, a society that bases everything on first looks. And I’m too old to try. My youth is no longer on my side. All that remains are the great things that reside inside of me. But it takes someone interested to take the time, get to know me, and learn of my positives. This will never happen because the convenience of everything “in your face” has caused our attention spans to focus on this moment. In this moment, all that can be taken in is my short, morbidly obese, body size. 

I am coming around to the fact that we are just broken. Our society has become so instant gratification and throw away, that dating does not exist. It really doesn’t anymore. Social media, hook-up sites, and airing all our shit on blogs (Yes, that includes my blog as well) has caused us to give up caring about soul connecting. We no longer look for the great person inside of the other person. 

Well, not all of us, I am seeking a deeper soul connection. I’ve had to go through hell and back to come to that realization, but that is what I want. So, knowing that in this life a deeper soul connection isn’t going to happen for me, because we’re so image and body size conscious that most people no longer have the “time” to connect in that manner, I am coming to terms with being alright with my dogs and being alone.