Belief · Blessings · Compassion · Employment · Forgiveness · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Journey · My Life · Negative People · Outrage · Positivity · Self Acceptance · Spirit · Working

. Such a Funk .

I need to find my way back; stuck in a funk that has influenced so many aspects of my life. I take this negative, unhealthy, toxic vibe from work home with me. I feel unheard, dismissed, and devalued. After two conversations today, I realized that there is a faded path that can, and will, lead me back. Two conversations that delivered two weed whacking weapons that will help clear that overgrown path to mental clarity. 

First conversation was with my sister; my younger sister who has more life experience that I could ever fathom having. She made a very strong point when helping me digest and process the events at work today. One thing she noticed about me and this job, was that of my love and gratitude for my coworkers. The last time I posted my #6915495 reasons for loving my job and coworkers was in July 2017. I can actually start documenting from that point forward when my gratitude began to slip into dissatisfaction. 

 

Second conversation was with a very trusted co-worker who is able to tell it to me how it is; no sugar coating. I have a ton of respect for this approach. She’s also a woman who is not afraid to stand behind and let you figure it out yourself. Women who help, guide, and stay supportive are truly a value. She brought to my attention today, that November is “National Gratitude Month.” 
OH Snap….Gratitude Month.. and I plum forgot on my Gratitude Blog. She has patiently listened to me as I worked through the best way to deal with this trial at work. She’s offered advice when needed. She’s also has said nothing at all when she knows that’s what I needed most. Mere words cannot describe the respect, gratitude, and admiration I have in her. She is a mentor; a guardian angel.

I firmly believe that the way back to a positive vibe and zen in the office, is through the recognition and application of gratitude in my daily life. As the overgrown path becomes visible before me,  I will use my heart, wit, and positive attitude to cut down the toxic weeds of negativity. I will no longer focus on each moment of trite, snippy, aggressive comments. I will not allow it to take up space in my head before, during, or after work. 

Again, this is no a reflection of me. I will no longer brow beat myself into a bloody, blubbery pulp wondering what I could have done different. Even if the stars were aligned perfectly, and mercury wasn’t in a pmsy retrograde, her attitude won’t be any different. This is on her. I will no longer allow her shitty outlook on everything umbrella our office, cutting off the sunlight. This is on her. Let HER live a negative existence. But, alas, I digress. This blog wasn’t to rehash or ruminate over the wrong doings. It’s meant to focus on the positive. 

Today, coming late into the game, I am thankful for the heart and ears of two strong women in my life. Thank you for the perspective you both gave, from two varying directions, that pushed my mind back onto my path. Pebbles found on this path are gratitude, forgiveness, positivity, mindfulness, and accountability.


Belief · Changes · Compassion · Counseling · Depression · Employment · Fear · Forgiveness · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Journey · Negative People · Outrage · Self Esteem · Self Love · Working

. Be Impeccable .

A. “Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home… it’s your responsibility to love it, or change it.” – chuck Palahniuk.
B. “Watch out for the joy stealers: Gossip, Criticism, Complaining, Faultfinding, and a Negative, Judgmental Attitude!” Joyce Mayer
C. “If  you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Maya Angelou
D. If it no longer works for you, then leave. It’s never worth staying at a job that makes you miserable and doesn’t help you become a better person. 

Be impeccable. This is the sage words of advice given to me by my significant other. This has been is chant since I started sharing with him the troubles I’m having at work. It started about 8 months ago. It really isn’t anything that should be major, but it definitely has become so. It’s learning to navigate in a shared office with someone who isn’t the most cheerful person. I have no clue how to steer this ship through the thick, murky air that’s been created.

I can respect the fact that people have bad days, or wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I can even respect the whole, “Hell, I don’t want to be here today.” WE ALL have those days; I have those days. But, when it has become a daily occurrence, combined with a negative personality, I just cave. I do not have the tools in my life box to work and manage this on my own. I have no clue how to do any of the suggestions I’ve found on numerous websites.

I have become very much triggered. My C-PTSD is off the charts right now. I have been sick. When I get overly stressed, it tends to affect me from the inside out. I am antsy, anxious, and super angry. I am shaky. My blood sugars have been off; in the high range.  I’ve developed massive heartburn. I’m not sleeping, and when I do, it’s very light non-REM sleep. I cry on my way home. I am so exhausted and spent when I do get home, I feed the dogs, potty the dogs, and tend to go to sleep.

I have to mantra on my way to work, “This is not a reflection of you. This does not dictate your work ethic. You be you, you do you. Stay true to you.” Literally, every day on my way to work. This truly isn’t a reflection of me. Remembering that in the heat of the issue has been really hard to grasp and hang on to. I start out my mornings strong. “You be you..” I am, daily.

I find joy every chance I get. I find joy in my coworkers. I find that my dry humor and quick wit is actually well received and returned with grins, giggles, and legitimate friendships. It has taken a LIFETIME, in a career sense, to find this. This IS my home. I don’t care if it’s just a simple Administrative position. I’m at that age where work ethic, a great atmosphere, and coworkers are more important that advancement, achievements, and a paycheck. (Granted, as long as wages match the cost of living here, lol, I’m totally content.) 

Joy and Gratitude (Hence the blog name) are really the major components that drive my life. I had a shitty childhood with a severe lack of joy. I had a shitty young adult life, with the only joy being my son. I’ve had a hard time finding, acknowledging, and reveling in the joy I have manifested in my own life. I MANIFESTED. I didn’t wait for it to find me, I fought tooth and nail to acquire exactly what I want and need to live successfully. I have changed every aspect of my life to love it fully.

 

I have learned the art of self awareness. I have the strength to set and hold boundaries. I am able to watch for the joy stealers; complaining, criticism, and negative judgmental attitudes. So much, in fact, I have cut my number one negative person out of my life – my mom.

How does one do it when it’s at work? I do not have the ability to control the whole environment. I can only control my little space around my desk, and unfortunately, I share an office. This person I share the office with is one of those that is described above: Joy Stealer. I’m not attacking this person. I’m stating a fact. This person is super

 unhappy with their life, thus makes everyone around suffer the negativity as well. I try, on a daily basis, to overcome the negativity.

Frankly,  2 o’clock hits, and so does the headache. This headache lingers until I get home around 6-630p. Headache brings heartburn, brings shakes. I’m exhausted. I start to shut down. I have no fight and my force shield starts to drop. I can only control my reaction, and I’m failing at keeping it up and strong. I know that if it’s something I cannot change, then I can control my attitude towards it. 

I approached this person a few months ago. I had an open, candid conversation. Things started to get better. It was observed by other co-workers. The office energy had began to grow positive, thrive even. Something shifted. Then, I let my guard down, came to work without my mantras. I was not even focusing on hope or prayer that it will be breathable, something shifted yet again. 

I am back to being completely at a loss. So lost in fact, I’ve become the very behavior I’m frustrated with: volatile, hostile, irritable, cranky, and brash. I’ve become a face with a scowl, standoffish demeanor, and unapproachable persona. All the things I strive NOT to become. It’s like the negative energy has been so thick and suffocating, it’s pulled me in. I have to become the energy to survive within the energy. THIS IS NOT ME. I hate this. I don’t know if I am more frustrated with the fact that this has been a concern of mine for about seven months now. Or, if I am more frustrated because I allowed it to control my outcomes. I am not a hostile person. I cringe at the thought that I can be.

I am trying to figure out how and where to go from here. I’ll be damned if I leave this position. This isn’t a job or a paycheck, this is a new found family for me. I’m invested in those around me, and care sincerely about the happenings in their lives: births, weddings, deaths, birthdays, everything. I will not be pushed out, even if that’s not the intent from this other person. I know me well enough that I don’t fight, I walk away. I refuse to walk away. 

The struggle in that is that I am back to only being able to control myself. I have read every freaking “Toxic work environment” self help website I can find. I have listened to various TED talks. I can only control so much around me, and can only control my own reactions. How does one person actually thrive while slowly being squished? I am worn out. I am so freaking tired. I’m at a loss and unsure how to process and proceed.

* I want to be there. This office mate has made it very clear that they do not; job searching, submitting resumes’, and taking interview calls.
* I want to try to make this work, which I have on a daily basis. I have extended the olive branch. I have reached out. * I have asked if there was a way to rectify it directly with this person.
* I have asked for guidance from supervisor(s). I have received great input, positive options, viable solutions. I have tried to initiate these options. It was received once by them, and only to be dismissed shortly after.
* I hate feeling like I am walking on egg shells, and this is where the PTSD kicks in. I feel exactly how I did when I came come to my abuser, I didn’t know what mood mask he would be wearing and how it will affect my night. I feel this way going into work. I don’t know what mood mask this office mate will be wearing, and how it will affect my day.
* I have tools in my emotional tool box to try to work through it: headphones, support from coworkers, support from my boyfriend.
* I am a 41 year old woman dealing with the office drama of a 20+ something. 

I have hope that this is salvageable. I know that I am an asset. I’ve been reassured that this is very much so. I know my work, work ethic, and my standing. I know that I contribute to the organization in a strong, sturdy, manner. I know that my coworkers can and do count on me. I am able to communicate my needs, concerns, and wants. I can get through this, as I am strong, intelligent, and experienced. I know that the only way through this is with patience and compassion. I needed to write this out, so formulate my thoughts, so that I can see the root cause. I needed to remind myself of patience and compassion. I need to get back to a place of mindfulness and zen.

Beauty · Belief · Body Positive · Compassion · Depression · Employment · Happiness · Healing · Health · Hope · My Life · Negative People · Outrage · Self Acceptance · Self Esteem · Self Love · Spirit · Unemployed · Working

Defined.

You-are-not-fat-You-have

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 This is a post in regards to the shitty, judgmental, interview I had earlier this week. I wanted to post a big long rant about the whole process, but frankly, I lost steam. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth trying to convince anyone with a negative view about anything otherwise. I lost steam. Sad, isn’t it? To lose steam over something that directly effects me in interviews, walking the street, eating or being out with my boyfriend. I’m judged. I’m fat. Society attempts define my character by my waist size and body mass.  I say smeg off. Simple as that.

SMEG OFF.

I wanted to write a letter. I wanted to defend my right to work, live, breathe … exist on this planet. I wanted to sell myself like a sales person, defining why I would be an ideal candidate for this position. But, do I really want to work for a company that pushes a falsified image, or a “socially acceptable” image over work ethics, experiences, and/or skills? I am a morbidly obese woman, nearing 40, who knows the job. I’ve been working in medical since I was 15 yrs old. I started as a laundry aide, to dietary aide, to RNA , to CNA and finally graduating as an M.A.

I. KNOW. MY. SHIT.

My work ethics, abilities, skills and ability to understand and do the job IS NOT DEFINED BY THE NUMBERS ON MY SCALE. 

 

Employment · My Life · Self Esteem · Spirit · Suicide

No clever title.

by Photographer/Artist Kyle Thompson Photography

Embodiment.

Stuck.
Strapped down.
Broken.
Bent.
Trapped. 
Hopeless.
Helpless.
Victim.
Enabler.
Blinded. 
Given up.
No use anymore.
Pained.
Hurt.
Depressed.
Blinded.
Keep the hits coming.
Hollow.
Disfigured.
Hang your head. Avoid eye contact. Let them have their way.
Stop rebelling.
Stop fighting.
Give in already.
Who fucking cares?
Alone.
Victim of my own choices.

Totally. Fucking. Defeated.

 

. Writing . · Belief · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Employment · Faith · Forgiveness · God · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Jesus · Journey · Love · My Life · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit · Working

Living through the Grace of God


“I am only one, but I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something.
The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.”    ~   Edward Everett Hale

I am sitting in a very small town coffee shop, drinking an iced mocha, working on my first assignment for the newspaper. I am thankful for my guy and his support in changing my life direction, and FINALLY following my dream.

I am a freelance reporter for the local newspaper. The change we took in moving across state, and seeking a new chance in life, was really the best thing for us. It was hard, believe me God, it was hard. We were testy with one another, taking out our fears on the other. But, at night, when we lie our heads on our pillows, we pray together. We ask for continuing faith, strength, and for God to light the path in front of us. I get nervous, and begin to quiver in my faith…losing sight that God has a design for me. Having blind faith is harder than having unconditional love for another.

But here we are. Doing it. Together. . . One friggen step at a time. Holding hands, while in romance or in prayer, together. 

I am finally living and loving my life. I am loving the Grace of God! I am blessed, and it has taken a bit to notice the blessings each day brings. There are even blessings in trials and tribulations.

Such serenity to be said in giving in, letting go and letting God. 

Today, I am thankful for changes, chances and choices.

Belief · Changes · Changing · Employment · Faith · Forgiveness · God · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Love · My Life · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit

Choices, Chances and Changes

Life was going no where for a while there. Job offers that weren’t following through on the actual “offer” they gave. Trying to find work in and around the Seattle area was suffocating me. So.. after contemplation, and discussion with family, I made a huge change; I moved to a town that’s incredibly small that sits approximately 4.5 hours away from where I was living originally. 

I am now in a small town, and slightly culture shocked; however, loving it all the while. One week here my mate had THREE interviews and landed TWO jobs. I have had one interview, and all my appendages are crossed. I am going back to college as well. I am shooting for the Fall quarter, but it looks as though it may be more around Winter quarter. The area of study I am *finally* going to pursue:
Journalism and Photo Journalism. I will do this, and become what my deepest dream is…. Published Author, Writer, Photographer, all encompassing. 

The only thing we are waiting on is approval for an apartment. After all is said and done, the courage to take the chance and make changes in our life has really proven to be beneficial. I am thankful and grateful for familial support and opportunities that seem to be popping up like God’s Beautiful wild flowers. It just takes a person to slow down, and observe these wild flower opportunities instead of blowing past them and weeding them down.

We have been praying together every night. His renewed view on faith, and my venture into it, has been the greatest blessing ever. We are seeking out a church in our small community.

Divine Guidance Oracle Cards:

At times I do feel like a shining star…(She writes as “you must be my lucky star” plays on repeat in her head). I do need to stop hindering myself, and let me be ENTIRELY what I am meant to be

Beauty · Belief · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Employment · Faith · God · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Jesus · Journey · Love · My Life · Romance · Self Esteem · Spirit

Aged some, but still moving on.

© Regan Vacknitz 2011

I am going to be divorced, finally, a year after leaving him. I am thankful, and filled with gratitude, that this day has finally come. He’s put me, and my son, through the wringer. What I once thought could be a amicable separation turned into a nasty warfare. So much that I don’t want to hash it out any further than I already have on my blog. It has taken a year to move forward and head into a positive direction. But that path, however, is one that has been filled with anger, tear, broken feelings and frustration.

I am dating someone, I have been with him since January. Most days, things are wonderful; the both of us are learning to love through hurt. He has been hurt and jaded, just as I have. It’s a whole new learning process for the two of us. He’s not used to a woman who can, and does, communicate. He’s not used to a woman who treats him remarkably, and with that he panics and gets passive aggressive. It’s a work in progress, like all things in life. If it weren’t a work in progress, love wouldn’t be worth the struggle.

I started work, and man… it is exhilarating to be working again. I mean, I can literally feel the weight lift up off my shoulders. I am still alarmed, waiting… always waiting. I have forgotten how to tap into myself and find the confidence needed to live life, love others and trust in a higher power. 

Speaking of a higher power, I have felt the pull and urge to start going back to church. Here are some words to leave you with.

I have lost 75 pounds since leaving my ex. This is the first time in ten or so years I have been under 300.

 

. Writing . · Beauty · Belief · Buddha · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Consumerism · Employment · Faith · Friends · Friendship · God · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Health · Hope · Hug · Journey · Lay off · Love · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit · Unemployed

Growth.. a little at a time.

Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. ~ Karen Horney 

I woke up early this morning with the words of my sister replaying over and over. “I’ve always thought of you as tough and your ability to bounce back. And wanted to have that ability. You have taken every weakness and turned it into something powerful. Every hurt and hit and turned it into something miraculous. And you WILL get through this bump.”

Amazing it takes someone that we really don’t ever talk to much to point out the very things about you that you have forgotten. I’ve been thinking about what she said for a day now, and they’ve weighed heavy on me. I’ll be damned if I let this heaviness win. I took that stubborn bullish side of me, and set out to make a change this morning.

I woke up, went pee. I put coffee on, and let it brew while I took the dog out so she too could pee.  I made a cup of coffee, grabbed a pop tart, and sat down at my computer. I logged into Highline Community College’s website and looked through their degree program guide. I started my FASFA application. I will go back to school. 

Small steps, are steps none the less. Small steps will turn into a domino effects. I just need to sit down with someone and decide what I want to do. Here are my interests, needs and desires:

 I need something that will be creative and challenging enough to keep me intrigued, entertained and going.

I want something that pushes me, challenges me, and teaches me new things daily.

I like
Photography, Writing, Journalism, Graphic Design, Marketing Designs (brochures, pamphlets, invitations, wine labels, etc.)
I also like social media – forums, postings, article writing, etc. 

Now to find something that will incorporate all of those. 

Employment · Hope · Journey · Lay off · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit · Unemployed · Working

Stress n’ Stuff

© All Rights Reserved - nidtinkung

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha.

I am now moving into my second week of being unemployed, again. I am stressing. I’ve filed my claim with unemployment, but no avail. I haven’t heard from them at all. When I log in to my account to input my weekly claim, I don’t get that option. Of all things, my bills are piling up, and I am worrying myself sick. So sick in fact I’ve taken up smoking again.

–> I know… the irony .. <— I lose my job and take up one of the most expensive habits ever.

I am mainly worried about losing my studio though. I anticipate all kinds of trouble. Smoking is a nasty, horrible, icky, smelly habit. I hate smokers. In a sense, it is another way for me to be angry, and thus, hating myself. I need a healthier habit to release stress. I will say, however, that I am not depressed. In all other aspects of my life, things are going well. I miss my son, I miss my pug… but the rest is kind of finally falling into place. I just don’t understand why the Universe, or fate, or my life path cannot just allow me to just have one day, week, month, year without a new struggle to test me with?

I need a job; I really miss the game testing.