Body Positive · Changes · Changing · Consumerism · Greed · Health · Hope · Negative People · Outrage · Politics · Positivity · Self Acceptance · Self Esteem · Self Love · Suicide · Youth

. Content of Your Soul .

I watched the video/commercial. I am stating my opinion, which may be biased as a woman, but here we go. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this commercial.
If anything, I find it empowering, for BOTH men and women.
If anything, I find it validating, for BOTH men and women.
If you’re a man who is finding issue with a commercial or company promoting respect, then the issue is not with the content of the commercial, but the content of your soul.

We are in the midst of an awakening within our society. People, men and women alike,  are beginning to hold each other accountable for unacceptable behaviors.

Women no longer need to remain tight lipped with grace over inappropriate behaviors, comments, or actions towards them or their bodies.

Women no longer need to, “smile and giggle” when there’s an unwanted ass grab. 

Women no longer need to accept unsolicited dick pics in private message while active on social media.

Men no longer need to remain “tough” and carry the persona of “strength” when bullied, belittled, or mocked for showing emotion.

Men no longer have to hide their “less than masculine” hobbies or interests. I have male friends who find that over the last 10-20 years, aspects of their “male persona” have changed. “I used to be uncomfortable with my wife’s purse in our cart. Now, I just don’t care.”

Men are even allowed to show support in one another without it looking, “Gay”.

If toxic masculinity is, as Piers Morgan says, “… pathetic global assault on masculinity,” then why is it even a hot topic? What I am finding is that men who are offended, protesting, and boycotting like Piers Morgan, are avoiding the question of whether or not they’re actually guilty of these very behaviors.” (compiled with the fact that a lot of them I’m reading on social media haven’t actually WATCHED the video). Don’t come at me with your defensiveness if you haven’t fully educated yourself on the topic at hand.

Just to be clear, Gillette’s ad does not implicate all men as those who act in this manner. This ad promotes that all men should hold each other accountable by calling out the behaviors.

This is not attacking “all” men for this behavior, it’s attacking the behavior itself. If those seeing this as an attack on “all men’s” masculinity, then it’s not the commercial with the issue, it’s your perception of masculinity that is.

“The gender doth protest too much,  me thinks. “

Maybe it’s time to actually discuss and define, “Toxic Masculinity”? What I have found researching the new coined term, “…a manifestation of Patriarchy that both harms men, and causes men to be violent and aggressive against women and occasionally other men.”

Personally, for me, it is when we even need to call out “boys will be boys” mentality. It’s when we tell girls that, “…it means he likes you if he pulls your hair”, as opposed to teaching our sons that pulling hair is not way to express your crush on a person.

Or, the doxxing of female game programers, artists, geeks, nerds, cosplayers, and activists who fight against the men who feel women have no place in the gaming cyber geek world.

Women, such as Brianna Wu, had all of their personal information released online opening avenues of abuse from men worldwide. “One tweet said, “I’ve got a K-bar and I’m coming to your house so I can shove it up your ugly feminist cunt.”

If you do not see an issue with this, then the problem isn’t Gillette, again, it’s you and your belief systems.

Another example of abuse because of gender and nationality, Kelly Marie tran. Who had this to say when she penned a beautiful statement as to why she’s leaving social media. She was mocked and harassed for everything from gender to weight, from role to ethnicity. The attackers took open hunt on her instagram and even her woookiepedia page.

Their words seemed to confirm what growing up as a woman and a person of color already taught me: that I belonged in margins and spaces, valid only as a minor character in their lives and stories,” Tran wrote. “Their words reinforced a narrative I had heard my whole life: that I was “other,” that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t good enough, simply because I wasn’t like them. And that feeling, I realize now, was, and is, shame, a shame for the things that made me different, a shame for the culture from which I came from. And to me, the most disappointing thing was that I felt it at all.”

Or, how schools push and shame their preteen to teen girls about their clothing, as opposed to teaching boys to respect women and their bodies, and then punish them for wearing shorts and tank tops in 102 degree weather.

Our daughters are raised with vile, sexually charged advertising in EVERYTHING, but then shamed if they immulate the very examples they’re taught. Toxic masculinity is defending and promoting advertisers like Abercrombie & Fitch or Carl’s Jr, who make a point of objectifying women, and encouraging the behaviors behind it. There’s even a study that shows men and women (BOTH) are affected mentally by these types of advertisers. (Sited Resource) This study has found that sexualized advertisements could have a negative effect on men as well as women .

Final example of toxic masculinity, in my eyes, are the sheer number of sexual violence and assaults that do not get reported. Why? Because women aren’t taken serious when they say they are victims.

Do you know how many rape kits have sat unopened, unexamined, untested? In my state, Washington State, according to a 2018 statewide inventory conducted by the Attorney General’s Office, 6,460 backlogged. If that’s just one state, imagine the numbers for our whole nation. It doesn’t help when certain celebrities promote these ideals

If toxic masculinity isn’t a thing, there wouldn’t be NUMEROUS social media pages dedicated to showing that women are property/meat, and men deserve all of it no questions asked….
Because, as Piers Morgan says, “Let boys be damn boys. Let men be damn men. Sexually harasses coanchor.

More sources:
Women Women Refuse


Addressing Gender-Based Harassment in Social Media: A Call to Action
Rachel N. Simons, The University of Texas at Austin

End the Backlog – Accountability Project by Joyful Heart Foundation

Justice and Research Statistics Association

#Gillette #MeToo #Empowerment #Toxicmasculinity
Changing · Consumerism · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · My Life · Spirit

. Less is More .

So, there I was, standing at the sink doing dishes… so many dishes for just two people; my housemate and I. The sheer amount of flatware to wash, ugh! Anyone who truly knows me, knows that dishes are not the chore of choice. But there I was, swipe, wipe, rinse, repeating and staring off into the nether realm. It was in that moment that I fully understood the meaning of, “less is more.”

When my housemate and I moved into our duplex, we had two spoons, two forks, a number of plastic flatware, and I think one butter knife. This absolutely drove me mad, so I went out and purchase a flatware set for six. It was this decision that I realized doing the dishes I made a grave mistake. When we had the few utensils we had, we were forced to be proactive and actually tend to the dishes, almost daily. With the ease of having a plethora of spoons to choose from, we no longer stayed up on doing our dishes. Abundance equates laziness. 

How does this apply to the rest of my life? In so many ways, food, clothes, knick-knacks… just so many things. Things I do not need, but want.

I realize that this is another avenue of seeking balance in my life. I have decided that I’m going to attempt to use less, starting with flatware. 

. Writing . · Abuse · Batterer · Beauty · Belief · Blessings · Buddha · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Counseling · Faith · Forgiveness · Friends · Friendship · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · Health · Hope · Hug · Journey · Love · My Life · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit

Home and true happiness.

I think I finally found my place in life. I firmly believe I have finally found my “home” to plant roots into. I just want to state for the record, I am very thankful for my abuser, I would never have learned to appreciate who I am fully. I love me and it took many years to get here.

I’m loving my job, coworkers, even the patients (even the violent/angry  ones who came back and personally apologized for their behavior). My coworkers are so appreciative, complimentary, and really respect what I bring to the clinic. I’ve heard, “She’s kind of awesome, think we’ll keep her!”, so many times in the last month of me being there, it makes a gal just bloat with pride. We have a Kudos board in the break room, one of my co-workers posted a kudos to me. 

I just… feel welcome and wanted. I don’t see leaving this company anytime soon. I can honestly see myself growing and moving up within. I can see going back to school; they offer tuition reimbursement. I can finally finish my degree.

I love the town. In the next year I will be moving to the town I work in. It has a huge CoOp market, it’s very hippie, granola like. They have art walks, movies in the park, great food locations and the people are just incredible. It reminds me a lot of Olympia, WA… and I LOVED living there. I can’t wait to relocate. 

I am working on repairing my credit. I have it mapped out in payments from now until the new year. At that time, my credit should be pretty damn clean. I am hoping I can look into a rent to own situation. I want some land and tiny place to build into my own.

My son is finally coming into his own. He’s so happy being home with me. He loves his job. He is changing into an incredible young man. I am more than happy to have him stay as long as he needs until he’s fully sufficient and has pride in himself as well.

I’m really, just happy. Finally, inside my soul to my outer shell, content and happy.

The only things I need to make it come to full circle:
A group of friends. I have made a couple of female friends here. I can only go up from this point. I miss my friends back home. I miss girls day at Olive Garden. I miss the connections. It is another aspect of me I would like to fulfill. 

I would love to find a right place to feel fully involved in spiritually. I need something open faith and spiritually. I would love to find something that I can meditate and learn from. I feel that portion of my life is lacking. I need to feel full of spirit. I am just not connecting with a Christian following though. I feel that being content comes from internal springs and personal experiences, growths, etc.

I ‘m not worried about weight loss. I am not worried about that. I firmly believe that once my inner realm is flowing smoothly, my outer realm will follow suit.

Abuse · Batterer · Beauty · Blessings · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Counseling · Friends · God · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Journey · Love · My Life · Negative People · Outrage · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit

Lessons on Paper.

Reading a book called, “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by  Lundy Bancroft. It outlines and defines the characteristics of abusive batterers. These are the sections that directly relate to, and define, my relationship with my abuser. 

IMG_20140612_183508-1Image 1:  “This patters is common in abusive relationships; an abusive man is often unusually good at expressing an intensity of caring early in a relationship and can make you feel so special and chosen- as if you were the only person who could ever matter so much to him.” 

I know that this is the very reason I managed to attracted my abuser. As indicated in numerous other posts on my blog, I was a child who did not grow up on a life of nurturing and support. I did not have unconditional love. I never felt ‘special’ by my mother, and I never knew my father. I grew up an married an absent man. I spent just shy of ten years with him. He was disconnected, absent, and really vacant throughout our marriage. When I left him, I stumbled onto the abuser. I had spent a life of feeling like a burden, problem, or unwanted. I didn’t even feel comfortable in my silence, in my space, in my own head. I was overwhelmed with how special I felt in the beginning of the relationship with him. He was charismatic, doting, and attentive. 
Image 2:  The Player (One of the archetypes of abusers) – These three bullet points are completely him:
* Women are put on this earth to have sex with me – especially me. 
* Women who have sex are too loose, and women who refuse sex are too uptight.
This one right here from the moment we had sex the first time. I never heard the end of it. I was “easy”. I didn’t make the conquest hard enough for him. I literally would fight with him about “We were just two adults doing adult things. It doesn’t make me a bad or horrible person.” He never, ever got over that. He held it against me for the whole duration of or relationship. He shamed me and made me feel like all I was worth was fucking, and even then, barely worth that because I cannot have kids. “Barren” “Dried up old bitch” “Unbreedable Cunt”. Yes, I  literally was called those names before and after sex with him. 
* If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn’t have to turn to other women. <– Everything from women online to local women. I literally stood by his side while we were at karaoke one night, while he encouraged another woman at the bar to hang on him. While he was holding my hand, she seductively put her arms around his neck, leaned in and said, “You smell so fucking good”… He didn’t push her off. He didn’t stop her. He was holding my hand, letting me know that if I didn’t give him what he wanted, he full well could get it elsewhere. I was not allowed to be friends with any other male, online or elsewhere, without him flipping the fuck out on me. All women are evil, lying cunts, who cheat. I was just another one he was waiting for it happen with. But he, on the other hand, hit on my friends, he friend requested all my female friends on facebook and then flirted with them.
And I just let it happen… for two years.

IMG_20140612_180245-1Image 3:  Mr Sensitive (One of the archetypes of abusers) – These three bullet points are completely him:
* As long as I use a lot of ‘psychobabble,’ no one is going to believe that I am mistreating you.

* I can control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, and what your issues are from childhood. I can get inside your head whether your want me there or not.
* Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.

Image 4:  The Terrorist (One of the archetypes of abusers) – These three bullet points are completely him:
You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands.

* I would rather die than accept your right to independence.
* Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying.

Abuse · Batterer · Belief · Blessings · Buddha · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Faith · Forgiveness · Friends · Friendship · God · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · Healing · Health · Hope · Hug · Jesus · Journey · Love · My Life · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit

Learning to Love Again (Starting with Myself)



We tend to focus on looking for love, hoping for love, and waiting for love. Yet if we look to others to meet that basic need then we’ll always be empty and unfulfilled.

That is, for others to love us in a healthy way, we must first be able to nurture ourselves … and to love and honour who we truly are. The steps below can help you work towards this goal.

1. Decide to treat others with love and respect: As you seek to bring joy into others’ lives you’ll find that they repay you with kindness and love.

2. Practice random acts of kindness: “Play it forward” by doing random thoughtful things. That will turn you into someone you respect yourself – and you’ll also find that others are more generous to you.

3. Let go of the past: What happened in the past is merely history now. Today is a new day, and you are starting a new page. Let go of disappointments, hurts and any grievances you hold against yourself, other people – or the world!

4. Forgive yourself: We all make mistakes, or we regret some bad decisions. Don’t ridicule, berate or criticise yourself for that. Instead, forgive whatever happened, and give yourself a break. It simply means you’re human – and are not infallible.

5. Practice positive self-talk: Write down and repeat affirming statements and truths … like “I am gifted” … or “I’m a true and loyal friend”. Post these statements on the mirror and repeat them to yourself.

6. Think through what you really want in life – You can carve out your own path and you choose your own destiny. Your life is a gift and you can choose what you will do.

7. Be persistent: Work wholeheartedly at loving yourself. If you’ve suffered in the past then be compassionate. Be ready to acknowledge and work through your pain. You deserve that respect – and it will help to set you free.

8. Celebrate your accomplishments: It’s easy to ignore or to downplay what we have done – but don’t be blind to your successes and accomplishments. They ought to be acknowledged as they’re part of who you are.

9. Think of someone you want to be like and emulate them: Doing that will build those qualities into your life as well – so it is easier to like, love and accept yourself.

10. Be yourself and trust yourself: Be true to yourself – and don’t care what others think. Learn to trust your instincts and to follow your own heart. Also, learn it’s OK to say “no” and to do your own thing … And you don’t have to feel guilty for not pleasing everyone.

11. Don’t compare yourself to others: Every person on the planet is different and unique. We all have different talents and different histories. Discover who YOU are and then invest in being you!

12. Work on receiving love: When someone pays you a compliment or tries to show you love, don’t quickly brush it off – but try and see it as a gift. That is, a gift that shows you’ve value and are loved, and loveable.

Changes · Changing · Counseling · Greed · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Journey · Love · My Life · Outrage · Self Esteem · Spirit

Not your fetish.

Realistically, I know I’ll never get below 180-200. I come from big people. My mother lost a ton of weight a while back, has since gained it back, but she lost 200+ lbs. She got down to about 160 and plateaued. It’s our body, shape, bone structure. It is our heredity.

I went from 363 down to 298 just after I left my ex-husband in 2011. I got back up to 340 over the last two years as I tried to survive through this past relationship. The only thing I could control was my eating and intake. Even if it was comfort food, I could control it.

I’m sitting at 340. This is who I am. I also hate the fact that for me to find real, genuine, simple love I have to fit into a “perfect package”.


I hate it.
I hate the way my body looks and reacts to things.
I hate looks I get from other women, like I’m a disappointment to the female gender as a whole.
I hate judgement from outsiders.
I hate that men think I’m a fetish.
Or that my fat body is perceived in others that I must be easy and desperate.
Or that my fat body means I will settle, that all I’m worth is abuse, neglect, hurt, hate, anger.

I am not your affair. I am not your secret. I am worth so much fucking more than that. Do not contact me, ever, if you’re married and looking to get your rocks off. Roll over, stroke your wife at night… THAT’S WHY YOU MARRIED HER.

Don’t contact me if you’re playing a bunch of women, off / on, during the same duration of time; especially if there’s a small chance these woman are going to communicate with one another. Don’t get all defensive if you’re called out on it, as you have been in the past. Don’t blame your victims either. Your exes did not intentionally hurt you, they’re just fed up with the shit you’ve put them through.This is tonight conversation with a dude I haven’t talked to in years. We initially met in high school, twenty years ago. We never talked. We were never friends. We were just friends of friends. He added me on Facebook a bit ago and proceeded to message me off and on. He was always complimenting me, but it always felt “off” to me. In this new era of me, I’m learning to trust it a bit more. I confronted him with it after this:

AB: Okay I think I’m stalking you?!!!
Me: Why? o.O ???
AB: I got on Facebook and I was thinking of you
Me: I have to ask, for a man who’s married, with kids, why would you be thinking of me? Or make comments about my beauty, etc?
AB: Is this for your book or personal experience?….
Me: It’s for my own curiosity.
AB: I think you’re beautiful because I know you
Me: I’m just confused as to why a married man would discuss their attraction with another woman online. You have a wife. This doesn’t make me feel good, in fact, it makes me feel awkward. I’m not that kind of woman. Nor do I want to be.
AB: Yes I am married. There should be no confusion I think your beautiful, yet I tell you so and you feel uncomfortable.
AB: Hello my little hottie friend from the east!
AB: What are you thinking about right now and don’t lie?
AB: I am very intrigued! I’ve always found you beautiful, I find you more attractive that your native!

First off creeper…starting a conversation with someone “I’m stalking you” knowing all the abuse and stalking shit she’s gone through the last few months is NOT a good thing. In fact, it waves a huge red flag. 


Beauty · Blessings · Changes · Changing · Consumerism · God · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · Healing · Health · Love

Hello Flo.

This is the best thing I’ve ever seen!

Hear! Hear!

Finally, something more rational than sunny beaches and women running around in white short shorts!

Hello Flo! You made my day.

“The WHOLE camp started getting freaking care packages in the mail with tampons, panty liners and CANDY all perfectly aligned with their cycle.”

I had a hysterectomy five years ago.. But you know what…

Little care packages with candy in the mail timed around my “bitch” cycle sounds like a bloody brilliant idea. (pun intended)

Beauty · Changes · Consumerism · Greed · Happiness · Health · Outrage · Positivity · Self Esteem

Brave Princess Makeover

“Young girls looking for a positive role model in Pixar’s animated adventure “Brave” will soon find a much slimmer, prettier version…. She has gone under the Disney knife and has been given a skinnier waist, higher cheekbones and a liberal supply of hair conditioner, making her more Barbie than Artemis.” 

Young girls do not need to witness a make over on a character that was beautiful, strong, and great to begin with. Young girls especially do not need Disney and “Barbie” telling them that their Brave role model is now “Slimmer and prettier.” The only message  young girls will get is:

A. You need to be THIN to be pretty.
B. You need to be sexy as a pre-teen.
C. Even the wording, “Under the knife…” tells young girls that plastic surgery is the way to go. Ugh.

What the heck is wrong with companies in America? Why are we continually telling our young girls that they will NEVER be good enough unless they follow a preset standard by Hollywood, Companies and Media? We do not need strong willed heroines with skinnier waists, bigger boobs and higher cheekbones. 

Merida was beautiful to begin with, even with her frizzy unruly hair. All her attributes and idiosyncrasies are what made her HER. Why do companies have to butcher everything; from Disney to Abercrombie and Fitch. The news revolving around the “No Big Girls Club” is getting really old. 

Can’t these companies just promote self acceptance and self love?

Dove Video Here:


Dove got the right idea. It is amazing how we see ourselves versus how others see us. It is really hard to maintain a positive self image when you have companies like Disney, a CHILDHOOD ICONIC COMPANY, telling us that we need thinner waists, higher cheekbones and expensive conditioner.

Disney should be telling young girls that you’re perfect, just the way you are. We’re all unique. We’re all different. Some are smarter, some are blonder, some are thinner, etc. They have the opportunity ahead of them to promote self acceptance and body acceptance. They are paving the way for future eating disorders, bullying, and self hate.

. Writing . · Beauty · Belief · Buddha · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Faith · Forgiveness · Friends · Friendship · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · Healing · Health · Hope · Hug · Journey · Love · My Life · Negative People · Outrage · Positivity · Random Acts of Kindness · Self Esteem · Spirit

(¯..•._. • Imperfect Differences •._. •..¯)

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, I lay them both at his feet. – Mohandas Gandhi

(¯..•._. • Imperfect Differences •._. •..¯)

Ever hear that old adage “What annoys us in another is actually what bothers us about our selves?” All of us have idiosyncrasies, weird ticks, which make us unique. In those ticks we find others who are same in both thinking and actions. We gravitate to those who “understand us” and befriend those we feel comfortable around. However, in that, we have the tendencies to judge those friends for their short comings and failures.

It is important to remember that a friend is a reflection of who we are and who we want to be, as well as what is important. When we start to judge them for their imperfections, it is time to step back and judge ourselves. Finding the root of what is causing the communication break down, and the resentment to grow, will allows us to communicate and hold onto that friendship longer. Remember, Differences make us unique, and allow us to learn new things about one another.

We need to learn to appreciate the differences, all while feeling close and comfortable with the similarities. This will allow us to feel complete and content with our own selves.

Buddha · Compassion · Faith · Forgiveness · Gratitude · Greed · Happiness · Hope · Journey · My Life · Positivity · Random Acts of Kindness · Self Esteem · Spirit

“Some money comin’ in”

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

I had an uncomfortable experience this morning. I guess I shouldn’t say “uncomfortable” as much as it was eye opening. Let me preface the rant incoming by saying that I received Woman Marine of the Year (back in the day) because of all the efforts I put into community service; including volunteering with the homeless. I do have compassion towards those without means, and try to give when I can. However, with that said, I over heard something today that really kind of set me wrong.

I stepped off the bus on 3rd and Union in Seattle, and made my merry way to the crosswalk when I noticed a homeless man holding a sign; this is a common sight to see in and around the downtown Seattle area. Standing at the crosswalk waiting for my turn another homeless man walked up to the other, who was standing right near me, and said “Got money comin’ in today… dem folks’ payday.”



I understand the need to survive, trust me I get it. However, it’s rather insulting that even the homeless know our paydays, and look forward to us contributing to the plight in which they live. There are so many more services for them, but I honestly think a lot of that culture it comes down to laziness; too lazy to seek out the assistance there is out there. It angers me as well. When I was laid off, we were financially tight. There weren’t as many services to help the Average American who was screwed out of jobs because of the governmental business decisions going on around us.

However, when I was laid off and financially tight, I still found ways to help out. “Every act of compassion counts.” I just feel a huge let down, and a bit used, when it comes to that compassion. How can you have compassion without expectations? I know that this is directly apart of the Buddhist Four Nobles.. and one of the hardest to obtain.

You know my love of the Tiny Buddha Site:
Tiny Buddha : Compassion without Expectations

Some benefits of unselfish giving

Here are some ways that unselfish giving can have a beneficial effect on you.

1. Giving feels satisfying. When you give without wanting anything in return it opens up your heart to an enhanced sense of peace, love and joy.

2. Giving stimulates gratitude.  Giving without expectation will elevate your personal awareness of others. As a result, you will feel increasing levels of compassion and gratitude.

3. Giving attracts giving. What we put into the world has a powerful influence on what we receive. This is part of that giant feedback loop I mentioned.  The energy of giving has a very positive influence on how you experience your world.

4. Giving makes you aware of limiting beliefs. When limiting beliefs like selfishness and greed become exposed to your conscious awareness, then you can work on letting them go. If you are unaware of their existence, they remain active in your subconscious. If they continue unchecked, you may wind up attracting the exact opposite of what you intended.