Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. ~ Karen Horney
I woke up early this morning with the words of my sister replaying over and over. “I’ve always thought of you as tough and your ability to bounce back. And wanted to have that ability. You have taken every weakness and turned it into something powerful. Every hurt and hit and turned it into something miraculous. And you WILL get through this bump.”
Amazing it takes someone that we really don’t ever talk to much to point out the very things about you that you have forgotten. I’ve been thinking about what she said for a day now, and they’ve weighed heavy on me. I’ll be damned if I let this heaviness win. I took that stubborn bullish side of me, and set out to make a change this morning.
I woke up, went pee. I put coffee on, and let it brew while I took the dog out so she too could pee. I made a cup of coffee, grabbed a pop tart, and sat down at my computer. I logged into Highline Community College’s website and looked through their degree program guide. I started my FASFA application. I will go back to school.
Small steps, are steps none the less. Small steps will turn into a domino effects. I just need to sit down with someone and decide what I want to do. Here are my interests, needs and desires:
I need something that will be creative and challenging enough to keep me intrigued, entertained and going.
I want something that pushes me, challenges me, and teaches me new things daily.
Photography, Writing, Journalism, Graphic Design, Marketing Designs (brochures, pamphlets, invitations, wine labels, etc.)
I also like social media – forums, postings, article writing, etc.
Now to find something that will incorporate all of those.
The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha.
I am now moving into my second week of being unemployed, again. I am stressing. I’ve filed my claim with unemployment, but no avail. I haven’t heard from them at all. When I log in to my account to input my weekly claim, I don’t get that option. Of all things, my bills are piling up, and I am worrying myself sick. So sick in fact I’ve taken up smoking again.
–> I know… the irony .. <— I lose my job and take up one of the most expensive habits ever.
I am mainly worried about losing my studio though. I anticipate all kinds of trouble. Smoking is a nasty, horrible, icky, smelly habit. I hate smokers. In a sense, it is another way for me to be angry, and thus, hating myself. I need a healthier habit to release stress. I will say, however, that I am not depressed. In all other aspects of my life, things are going well. I miss my son, I miss my pug… but the rest is kind of finally falling into place. I just don’t understand why the Universe, or fate, or my life path cannot just allow me to just have one day, week, month, year without a new struggle to test me with?
I need a job; I really miss the game testing.
I awoke this morning, like I do every morning for work. I stretched, and moaned against the aches and pains. I realized I don’t have work to head off to. I used this opportunity to take in the chilly morning and meditate as the sun came up. Very cathartic. All in due time, my path will be revealed.
I was officially let go from my job as a video game tester yesterday. I was let go on good terms, I have a reference if I need it. It feels good, but still stings. I have enough to get through another month at my apartment, my car… maybe some food, bills, and such.
At this crossroads in my life, I am unsure what the fates have planned for me. I am unsure of the path to take, but as I’ve said recently on my facebook, “I plan to walk this path with grace and gratitude.” I refuse to give in and be depressed over something that was beyond my hold.
“I don’t believe that the public knows what it wants; this is the conclusion that I have drawn from my career.” Charlie Chaplin
I am sitting here at my desk, it’s lunch time, and I’m taking a break from my job at hand: video game testing. I have been struggling the last two weeks at this very job. It’s been a frustrating two weeks at best.
At first I wasn’t meeting standards on feedback. Then, I wasn’t meeting standards on leveling. Now, I have to define each day, from now until this coming Friday, WHY I want to continue with the game play, and why he should keep me on as a game tester. I am so burned out on trying to convince him, I don’t know what to do anymore. I trust my gut, always have, and it’s telling me that come Friday, I’m sans a job.
What’s more frustrating, I JUST GOT MY STUDIO! No roommates, no worries, no soon to be ex husband. My own sanctuary to figure out who I am, and where I’m going. One of the major things my boss keeps asking me is to decide if this is the right job for me, if this is what I really want to be doing. Honestly, no.. I don’t think is what I want to be doing. I want to proceed more with some of the other departmental duties that were given to me. I love that part of the job. However, since I’ve been in question over the game testing side of things, I’ve had those extra responsibilities removed from me. Talk about adding insult to injury.
What DO I want to do with my life? Fuck if I know. Be stable. Be happy. Be content. Stay in a job longer than four months, a year, two years. * sigh *
Publish a book finally.
Get my photography up and going.
Work with my hands and mind more.
Laid off this morning due to financial hardships. No, it was no reflection of me. No, it wasn’t a “you’re fired” scenario. Laid off, again, due to financial hardships. I knew it was coming, and anyone who follows knows it too. When a company can’t pay their employees, or bills, then it’s just pending when lay off(s) will happen.
I am starting to feel like I’m a curse to hire. Every place I get hired onto goes out of business, or goes into financial fail. My track record thus far:
NW Delivery – Laid off, Financial Hardships
Alco Electric – Laid off, Financial Hardships
Renton Lutheran Church – Laid off, company closure
Providence Medical Center (Cancer Care Center) – Laid off, company buy out / position eliminated
Providence Medical Center (Comprehensive Breast Center) – Laid off, company buy out / position eliminated
The positives of being laid off:
Time to work on my novel.
Even more time to game. (bwahha)
Time to contemplate going back into college; refresher course.
Time to organize my house how I want it.
More time to walk the dogs
Addendum; more to be thrilled about:
Staying up as late as I want
Snuggles with the Puggles