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Learning is key..


(I just want to say that I am forcing myself to write this blog. I need to write this blog to remind myself of the good thing about me. I’m replaying things my abuser said to me, over and over, tonight. I need to work through this blog, no matter how long, or how hard it is, to write.)

“I love it when women are learning to love themselves…”

This is me right now. I am so learning to love myself.  And man, I am really learning it. Whether it be a hard and real lesson, or a simple guided message, I am learning. 

Some of the things I have learned to love about myself: 

I love my spunk. I love it.  I am truly a unique individual. Not only am I unique, but I’m useful too.

Let me tell you a story. About three years ago, 2011, I needed to make amends with a lot of people in my life. One of them was my best friend from jr. and sr. high school. I am not entirely sure why I have to make amends, I never really knew what happened between us, but I did. I sought her out on facebook an found her page. I wrote a long letter of apology. It didn’t go anywhere, but, she changed her facebook picture that day to this one:
I felt this was directly aimed at me. From that point forward, I kind of internalized it. I thought “I’ve always been told I’m a big weird, and I always thought it was a compliment.” I took her picture as a slam. I held onto that through the years because, my recent life struggle had be believing I wasn’t useful. In fact, I was a waste of space and air. Well .. you know what. I am Unique. I am Useful. And I LOVE IT. I don’t have to be conformed to societies standards to be useful. I can be me, in every way.

I also love my mind. I have spent a long time afraid of my thoughts. I am learning to really enjoy my mind. I’m intelligent. I am clever and witty. I am quick with my wit. I love how my mind works. My mind helps me see in others what they cannot see in themselves. That’s very important to me.

I love my compassion and my heart. I have a big heart. I love that about me. I love compassionate beings. I love that I embody my beliefs.  That’s all I got for now.

732e1-arrowdividerI also love women who inspire others. I wanted to create a list of women in my life who have inspired me. It’s in their strength, I have found my own. It’s in their compassion, that I have the courage to be compassionate. It is in their struggles in life, that I have found I can love my struggles as well. Each struggle is a growth point.

Karen. You.. are me.. I .. am you. If I can glimpse at my future and find I am like any woman in my life, I would want to be like you. You have survived and come through SO MUCH. You’re so wonderful. You’re courageous. You’re beautiful. I love the snot out of you. You inspire me by proving to me that I can grow up and be radical too; despite the shit our life has given us.

Lilly. You. Are. Light. You are the Universe. YOU.. EMBODY.. BEAUTY!! You are such an inspiration. From the moment we met on that crazy ass website… to Dalai Lama and Seeds of Compassion… to weight loss, divorces, children, moving so far away from me… you will ALWAYS hold a chunk of my soul, heart, mind. Every person who is lucky enough to be graced by your light is one lucky bastard. This randomness right here, I know you get it. I know you feel it. This randomness, is all for you. I miss you. You inspire other women. You inspire life. You inspire me. And I am grateful to have you in my life.

Amanda. Your harsh, to the point, beer drinking, cigar smoking (okay, I made that up, but I wouldn’t put it past you), foul mouthed self is such a breath of fresh air. Even though we have never physically met, anything you say to me I listen to. Any advice you give, I love it. You’re real. Your one of those rare, real, no holds barred type of women.. and I think more women should be like you. You inspire others with your truth, honesty and just being you. Don’t change.

Amber. You.. are crazy.sexy.cool. I love your art. I love your mind. I love your reality. . . even if it’s so far bent from my own. But you know what, we need women like you. You’re real, you’re sincere. You’re an inspiration to me. You’ve gone through hell and back, literally, and I wouldn’t change any aspect of you for anything.

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Your gift today…

GOD has givenI started out today, January 1, 2013, with the intent of doing Reverb13 blog prompts. I will, in due time. But for now, I found inspiration elsewhere. 

Everyday I come to my blog, whether I have posted or not, and check my incoming traffic. Most days I find it is the same search engine terms that are the same, “365 Days of Gratitude” “Gratitude” “God’s Hand” and other unmentionables that I have referred to in previous blogs. Today, however, I found my inspiration within, “God has given you 365 days.”

God has given you 365 days…. let that sink in for a minute.

We have been gifted a whole year, 3hundred 6sixty 5five days to live, wake, breath… What are you going to do with them?

I know that I could go through this new day, being the New Year, and make resolutions that I will never keep. I know I could reflect on the last year and think of all the negative mistakes that I have made, and vow never to do them again. But, God gave me 365 Days… He also gave me free will. I know that I can try and vow not to make mistakes, but as a human… I will. I know for a fact that I make mistakes daily, and with them I learn. I learn to react better. I learn to make better choices. I learn to love just a little more, and a little better, tomorrow and each day following.

Instead of resolutions, I am going to wake each day and say, “Thank you, Lord, for another day. Thank you, I will do everything within my power to do right today.”

I will try to reserve my anger, and not react in the manners that I have.
I will try to think of my neighbors, and treat them as I wish to be treated.
I will work my hardest to continue to do well in my community.

Each day is a blessing… it truly is. I have been lost, I have been saddened, I have been mentally misguided. I woke today unsure, but the few simple words, “God has given you 365 Days”… has allowed me to see just that. I have been gifted another year, another month, another week, and another day.

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(¯..•._. • Imperfect Differences •._. •..¯)

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, I lay them both at his feet. – Mohandas Gandhi

(¯..•._. • Imperfect Differences •._. •..¯)

Ever hear that old adage “What annoys us in another is actually what bothers us about our selves?” All of us have idiosyncrasies, weird ticks, which make us unique. In those ticks we find others who are same in both thinking and actions. We gravitate to those who “understand us” and befriend those we feel comfortable around. However, in that, we have the tendencies to judge those friends for their short comings and failures.

It is important to remember that a friend is a reflection of who we are and who we want to be, as well as what is important. When we start to judge them for their imperfections, it is time to step back and judge ourselves. Finding the root of what is causing the communication break down, and the resentment to grow, will allows us to communicate and hold onto that friendship longer. Remember, Differences make us unique, and allow us to learn new things about one another.

We need to learn to appreciate the differences, all while feeling close and comfortable with the similarities. This will allow us to feel complete and content with our own selves.

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Penny for your thigh..

© Deviant by ispeekenglish

 “There’s a lot more to life than how fat or thin you are.”
– Kirstie Alley

Unfortunate events today after work. I take the bus to and from work, which means I walk to and from the bus stops. I was standing on the corner, waiting to cross the street walking home. And two teenage boys in a car drove by, windows open, music playing.  I had my headphones around my neck, purse on my shoulder, adorned in a cute white summer dress.

These boys drove by, slowed a little, and tossed a handful of pennies at me. The one in the passenger seat yelled out his window, “WHALE.”

Yay. These are the future of our beautiful nation. Go America Go! (thanks aims for that comment)

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“Some money comin’ in”

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

I had an uncomfortable experience this morning. I guess I shouldn’t say “uncomfortable” as much as it was eye opening. Let me preface the rant incoming by saying that I received Woman Marine of the Year (back in the day) because of all the efforts I put into community service; including volunteering with the homeless. I do have compassion towards those without means, and try to give when I can. However, with that said, I over heard something today that really kind of set me wrong.

I stepped off the bus on 3rd and Union in Seattle, and made my merry way to the crosswalk when I noticed a homeless man holding a sign; this is a common sight to see in and around the downtown Seattle area. Standing at the crosswalk waiting for my turn another homeless man walked up to the other, who was standing right near me, and said “Got money comin’ in today… dem folks’ payday.”



I understand the need to survive, trust me I get it. However, it’s rather insulting that even the homeless know our paydays, and look forward to us contributing to the plight in which they live. There are so many more services for them, but I honestly think a lot of that culture it comes down to laziness; too lazy to seek out the assistance there is out there. It angers me as well. When I was laid off, we were financially tight. There weren’t as many services to help the Average American who was screwed out of jobs because of the governmental business decisions going on around us.

However, when I was laid off and financially tight, I still found ways to help out. “Every act of compassion counts.” I just feel a huge let down, and a bit used, when it comes to that compassion. How can you have compassion without expectations? I know that this is directly apart of the Buddhist Four Nobles.. and one of the hardest to obtain.

You know my love of the Tiny Buddha Site:
Tiny Buddha : Compassion without Expectations

Some benefits of unselfish giving

Here are some ways that unselfish giving can have a beneficial effect on you.

1. Giving feels satisfying. When you give without wanting anything in return it opens up your heart to an enhanced sense of peace, love and joy.

2. Giving stimulates gratitude.  Giving without expectation will elevate your personal awareness of others. As a result, you will feel increasing levels of compassion and gratitude.

3. Giving attracts giving. What we put into the world has a powerful influence on what we receive. This is part of that giant feedback loop I mentioned.  The energy of giving has a very positive influence on how you experience your world.

4. Giving makes you aware of limiting beliefs. When limiting beliefs like selfishness and greed become exposed to your conscious awareness, then you can work on letting them go. If you are unaware of their existence, they remain active in your subconscious. If they continue unchecked, you may wind up attracting the exact opposite of what you intended.

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Life Wheel – Spirituality Pt. 1


Spirituality is such a confusing aspect of life. When I was in my tweens, well into my teens, I questioned God. How can any loving God allow a child to go through some of the things I had? How can any respecting God allow a child to witness some of the things in their life that I had? I just couldn’t believe that “God”, a Christian God, would do that; thus began my search for faith and spirituality.

I began in high school with a friend who referred the book, “The Book of Tao Te Ching” by Lao Tzu. The ideas of Tao were amazing to me, at that time. It was so open for interpretation that I could meld and manifest it how I needed at that time. But, I got to thinking… This was all based out of my “head” and not my “heart.” My understanding, my feeble teenage mind, was that faith came from within the heart area, and not the mind or thinking. As much as it was great to read, contemplate and move into areas of my life… Tao.. wasn’t for me.

I found myself again lost without a clue, angry at everyone and all angels. I was back at home with my mother and her boyfriend, “Wrinkles.” This man was a vile man. He as a drunk and encouraged drinking in my mother. One afternoon I wanted to go out. I don’t remember the specifics, but I do remember that I was supposed to meet up with friends. Wrinkles decided I hadn’t cleaned the house to “his” specifications. He went off and started pushing me around. Something in his intoxicated head said that he needed to pull a knife on me, and so he did. I had an ankle length floral hippie type dress on and a white pull over sweater (very 90s). A lot of things in my life are a blur, the specifics of this is one of them. I remember looking down at my sweater, stark white cotton reddened by my blood. Then I remember being at the neighbor’s trailer right next door.

Sometime during this event with Wrinkles, the neighbor came over and rescued me. He brought me to his house. I remember calling my boyfriend at the time and telling him what happened. In retrospect, I know that wasn’t the wisest move… scare a lad at that age. But, it was also one of the smarter moves I could have made. Because.. God… intercepts at the right times. I was in this neighbor’s trailer, knife to my wrist, begging for a reason to carry on.

God I wanted to just die, right there. Unloved. Unlovable. Unwanted. Unneeded. Unseen. Unheard.

The neighbor was outside dealing with the police and my mother. (Who, by the way, was yelling loudly and trying to convince the police that I was a crazy teen, violent and unmanageable. I was belligerent, and whatever happened to me I deserved. Really, a knife?.. ok then.) The thing I remember next was some girl I didn’t know come in and taking me into her truck. She had introduced herself as my boyfriend’s friend, who went to school with us, but I had never seen her before. She literally whisked me away, me and my cat. In the period of an hour I was happy, beaten, rescued, suicidal praying to God, Yelling and Cussing out God, whisked away.

How does all this play into my spirituality? Well, the ONLY rules that I had living with her and her family was that I had to attend church with them, and I was home every night for a sit down dinner. I began to learn a healthy family. I began to learn a healthy God. I was comfortable with the God they introduced me to. The pastor was amazing. The pastor sat down with me and actually listened as I purged my concerns about spirituality and where I was mentally with it. I lived with them for a few years, and learned a lot. But the key word… “Learned.”.. I still didn’t “feel” it or “Him.” (But he was there, watching me and protecting me)

As I grew older I began to read about other various religions:

Wiccan – The word “Witch” totally scared the hell out of me, so I found it interesting but not for me.

Hindu – I am totally connected to the Goddess Durga, but again it was all educational.. not really ‘attached’ to the idea of too many Gods and Goddesses.

Buddha – I am currently really attracted to the kindness, passivity, compassion that Buddhism teaches in their Suttras. I may believe in the teachings, but I find that I still pray. I pray to a Christian “God.”

So, where does that leave me today sitting here with the flashing, daunting, cursor? What does this educational, minded, spirituality get me? Stay tuned for Part Deux.