Belief · Blessings · Compassion · Employment · Forgiveness · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Journey · My Life · Negative People · Outrage · Positivity · Self Acceptance · Spirit · Working

. Such a Funk .

I need to find my way back; stuck in a funk that has influenced so many aspects of my life. I take this negative, unhealthy, toxic vibe from work home with me. I feel unheard, dismissed, and devalued. After two conversations today, I realized that there is a faded path that can, and will, lead me back. Two conversations that delivered two weed whacking weapons that will help clear that overgrown path to mental clarity. 

First conversation was with my sister; my younger sister who has more life experience that I could ever fathom having. She made a very strong point when helping me digest and process the events at work today. One thing she noticed about me and this job, was that of my love and gratitude for my coworkers. The last time I posted my #6915495 reasons for loving my job and coworkers was in July 2017. I can actually start documenting from that point forward when my gratitude began to slip into dissatisfaction. 

 

Second conversation was with a very trusted co-worker who is able to tell it to me how it is; no sugar coating. I have a ton of respect for this approach. She’s also a woman who is not afraid to stand behind and let you figure it out yourself. Women who help, guide, and stay supportive are truly a value. She brought to my attention today, that November is “National Gratitude Month.” 
OH Snap….Gratitude Month.. and I plum forgot on my Gratitude Blog. She has patiently listened to me as I worked through the best way to deal with this trial at work. She’s offered advice when needed. She’s also has said nothing at all when she knows that’s what I needed most. Mere words cannot describe the respect, gratitude, and admiration I have in her. She is a mentor; a guardian angel.

I firmly believe that the way back to a positive vibe and zen in the office, is through the recognition and application of gratitude in my daily life. As the overgrown path becomes visible before me,  I will use my heart, wit, and positive attitude to cut down the toxic weeds of negativity. I will no longer focus on each moment of trite, snippy, aggressive comments. I will not allow it to take up space in my head before, during, or after work. 

Again, this is no a reflection of me. I will no longer brow beat myself into a bloody, blubbery pulp wondering what I could have done different. Even if the stars were aligned perfectly, and mercury wasn’t in a pmsy retrograde, her attitude won’t be any different. This is on her. I will no longer allow her shitty outlook on everything umbrella our office, cutting off the sunlight. This is on her. Let HER live a negative existence. But, alas, I digress. This blog wasn’t to rehash or ruminate over the wrong doings. It’s meant to focus on the positive. 

Today, coming late into the game, I am thankful for the heart and ears of two strong women in my life. Thank you for the perspective you both gave, from two varying directions, that pushed my mind back onto my path. Pebbles found on this path are gratitude, forgiveness, positivity, mindfulness, and accountability.


Belief · Changes · Compassion · Counseling · Depression · Employment · Fear · Forgiveness · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Journey · Negative People · Outrage · Self Esteem · Self Love · Working

. Be Impeccable .

A. “Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home… it’s your responsibility to love it, or change it.” – chuck Palahniuk.
B. “Watch out for the joy stealers: Gossip, Criticism, Complaining, Faultfinding, and a Negative, Judgmental Attitude!” Joyce Mayer
C. “If  you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Maya Angelou
D. If it no longer works for you, then leave. It’s never worth staying at a job that makes you miserable and doesn’t help you become a better person. 

Be impeccable. This is the sage words of advice given to me by my significant other. This has been is chant since I started sharing with him the troubles I’m having at work. It started about 8 months ago. It really isn’t anything that should be major, but it definitely has become so. It’s learning to navigate in a shared office with someone who isn’t the most cheerful person. I have no clue how to steer this ship through the thick, murky air that’s been created.

I can respect the fact that people have bad days, or wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I can even respect the whole, “Hell, I don’t want to be here today.” WE ALL have those days; I have those days. But, when it has become a daily occurrence, combined with a negative personality, I just cave. I do not have the tools in my life box to work and manage this on my own. I have no clue how to do any of the suggestions I’ve found on numerous websites.

I have become very much triggered. My C-PTSD is off the charts right now. I have been sick. When I get overly stressed, it tends to affect me from the inside out. I am antsy, anxious, and super angry. I am shaky. My blood sugars have been off; in the high range.  I’ve developed massive heartburn. I’m not sleeping, and when I do, it’s very light non-REM sleep. I cry on my way home. I am so exhausted and spent when I do get home, I feed the dogs, potty the dogs, and tend to go to sleep.

I have to mantra on my way to work, “This is not a reflection of you. This does not dictate your work ethic. You be you, you do you. Stay true to you.” Literally, every day on my way to work. This truly isn’t a reflection of me. Remembering that in the heat of the issue has been really hard to grasp and hang on to. I start out my mornings strong. “You be you..” I am, daily.

I find joy every chance I get. I find joy in my coworkers. I find that my dry humor and quick wit is actually well received and returned with grins, giggles, and legitimate friendships. It has taken a LIFETIME, in a career sense, to find this. This IS my home. I don’t care if it’s just a simple Administrative position. I’m at that age where work ethic, a great atmosphere, and coworkers are more important that advancement, achievements, and a paycheck. (Granted, as long as wages match the cost of living here, lol, I’m totally content.) 

Joy and Gratitude (Hence the blog name) are really the major components that drive my life. I had a shitty childhood with a severe lack of joy. I had a shitty young adult life, with the only joy being my son. I’ve had a hard time finding, acknowledging, and reveling in the joy I have manifested in my own life. I MANIFESTED. I didn’t wait for it to find me, I fought tooth and nail to acquire exactly what I want and need to live successfully. I have changed every aspect of my life to love it fully.

 

I have learned the art of self awareness. I have the strength to set and hold boundaries. I am able to watch for the joy stealers; complaining, criticism, and negative judgmental attitudes. So much, in fact, I have cut my number one negative person out of my life – my mom.

How does one do it when it’s at work? I do not have the ability to control the whole environment. I can only control my little space around my desk, and unfortunately, I share an office. This person I share the office with is one of those that is described above: Joy Stealer. I’m not attacking this person. I’m stating a fact. This person is super

 unhappy with their life, thus makes everyone around suffer the negativity as well. I try, on a daily basis, to overcome the negativity.

Frankly,  2 o’clock hits, and so does the headache. This headache lingers until I get home around 6-630p. Headache brings heartburn, brings shakes. I’m exhausted. I start to shut down. I have no fight and my force shield starts to drop. I can only control my reaction, and I’m failing at keeping it up and strong. I know that if it’s something I cannot change, then I can control my attitude towards it. 

I approached this person a few months ago. I had an open, candid conversation. Things started to get better. It was observed by other co-workers. The office energy had began to grow positive, thrive even. Something shifted. Then, I let my guard down, came to work without my mantras. I was not even focusing on hope or prayer that it will be breathable, something shifted yet again. 

I am back to being completely at a loss. So lost in fact, I’ve become the very behavior I’m frustrated with: volatile, hostile, irritable, cranky, and brash. I’ve become a face with a scowl, standoffish demeanor, and unapproachable persona. All the things I strive NOT to become. It’s like the negative energy has been so thick and suffocating, it’s pulled me in. I have to become the energy to survive within the energy. THIS IS NOT ME. I hate this. I don’t know if I am more frustrated with the fact that this has been a concern of mine for about seven months now. Or, if I am more frustrated because I allowed it to control my outcomes. I am not a hostile person. I cringe at the thought that I can be.

I am trying to figure out how and where to go from here. I’ll be damned if I leave this position. This isn’t a job or a paycheck, this is a new found family for me. I’m invested in those around me, and care sincerely about the happenings in their lives: births, weddings, deaths, birthdays, everything. I will not be pushed out, even if that’s not the intent from this other person. I know me well enough that I don’t fight, I walk away. I refuse to walk away. 

The struggle in that is that I am back to only being able to control myself. I have read every freaking “Toxic work environment” self help website I can find. I have listened to various TED talks. I can only control so much around me, and can only control my own reactions. How does one person actually thrive while slowly being squished? I am worn out. I am so freaking tired. I’m at a loss and unsure how to process and proceed.

* I want to be there. This office mate has made it very clear that they do not; job searching, submitting resumes’, and taking interview calls.
* I want to try to make this work, which I have on a daily basis. I have extended the olive branch. I have reached out. * I have asked if there was a way to rectify it directly with this person.
* I have asked for guidance from supervisor(s). I have received great input, positive options, viable solutions. I have tried to initiate these options. It was received once by them, and only to be dismissed shortly after.
* I hate feeling like I am walking on egg shells, and this is where the PTSD kicks in. I feel exactly how I did when I came come to my abuser, I didn’t know what mood mask he would be wearing and how it will affect my night. I feel this way going into work. I don’t know what mood mask this office mate will be wearing, and how it will affect my day.
* I have tools in my emotional tool box to try to work through it: headphones, support from coworkers, support from my boyfriend.
* I am a 41 year old woman dealing with the office drama of a 20+ something. 

I have hope that this is salvageable. I know that I am an asset. I’ve been reassured that this is very much so. I know my work, work ethic, and my standing. I know that I contribute to the organization in a strong, sturdy, manner. I know that my coworkers can and do count on me. I am able to communicate my needs, concerns, and wants. I can get through this, as I am strong, intelligent, and experienced. I know that the only way through this is with patience and compassion. I needed to write this out, so formulate my thoughts, so that I can see the root cause. I needed to remind myself of patience and compassion. I need to get back to a place of mindfulness and zen.

Beauty · Belief · Body Positive · Compassion · Depression · Employment · Happiness · Healing · Health · Hope · My Life · Negative People · Outrage · Self Acceptance · Self Esteem · Self Love · Spirit · Unemployed · Working

Defined.

You-are-not-fat-You-have

732e1-arrowdivider

 This is a post in regards to the shitty, judgmental, interview I had earlier this week. I wanted to post a big long rant about the whole process, but frankly, I lost steam. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth trying to convince anyone with a negative view about anything otherwise. I lost steam. Sad, isn’t it? To lose steam over something that directly effects me in interviews, walking the street, eating or being out with my boyfriend. I’m judged. I’m fat. Society attempts define my character by my waist size and body mass.  I say smeg off. Simple as that.

SMEG OFF.

I wanted to write a letter. I wanted to defend my right to work, live, breathe … exist on this planet. I wanted to sell myself like a sales person, defining why I would be an ideal candidate for this position. But, do I really want to work for a company that pushes a falsified image, or a “socially acceptable” image over work ethics, experiences, and/or skills? I am a morbidly obese woman, nearing 40, who knows the job. I’ve been working in medical since I was 15 yrs old. I started as a laundry aide, to dietary aide, to RNA , to CNA and finally graduating as an M.A.

I. KNOW. MY. SHIT.

My work ethics, abilities, skills and ability to understand and do the job IS NOT DEFINED BY THE NUMBERS ON MY SCALE. 

 

Journey · My Life · Outrage · Politics · Self Esteem · Spirit · Working

Debate Thoughts

We are 9 million jobs short of that because JOBS ARE OVER SEAS! And again.. there is a reason I am working FOUR JOBS to make ends meet. FOUR EFFIN JOBS FOLKS.

We need jobs here, in our country, that are full time and benefit provided

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I work just about 7 days a week. I’m very thankful for my day off here and there. But, on my day off I’m cooking, cleaning, organizing and getting ready for the weeks of work ahead. 

I don’t sleep because I’m financially stressed and lay awake at night, when I should be resting, thinking about making shit work.

I am on food assistance, Mr. Romney. Fuck you (Ya, I Eff Bombed) for your judgement of people using food assistance. If I didn’t have it, in spite of my four jobs, I’d struggle even further. The “American Dream” is no longer. It’s about scavenging, surviving and fighting daily.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of working to make ends meet. I don’t even work to save for my retirement. I don’t even make enough to help my son go on his band trip.

Sure, I have a partner I love with who is working just as hard. But, even then, with our funds pooled together, it’s hard. And I’m tired.

. Writing . · Belief · Changes · Changing · Compassion · Employment · Faith · Forgiveness · God · Gratitude · Happiness · Healing · Hope · Jesus · Journey · Love · My Life · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit · Working

Living through the Grace of God


“I am only one, but I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something.
The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.”    ~   Edward Everett Hale

I am sitting in a very small town coffee shop, drinking an iced mocha, working on my first assignment for the newspaper. I am thankful for my guy and his support in changing my life direction, and FINALLY following my dream.

I am a freelance reporter for the local newspaper. The change we took in moving across state, and seeking a new chance in life, was really the best thing for us. It was hard, believe me God, it was hard. We were testy with one another, taking out our fears on the other. But, at night, when we lie our heads on our pillows, we pray together. We ask for continuing faith, strength, and for God to light the path in front of us. I get nervous, and begin to quiver in my faith…losing sight that God has a design for me. Having blind faith is harder than having unconditional love for another.

But here we are. Doing it. Together. . . One friggen step at a time. Holding hands, while in romance or in prayer, together. 

I am finally living and loving my life. I am loving the Grace of God! I am blessed, and it has taken a bit to notice the blessings each day brings. There are even blessings in trials and tribulations.

Such serenity to be said in giving in, letting go and letting God. 

Today, I am thankful for changes, chances and choices.

Working

Autumn Spice – 1st installment

“It’s that time of year again.” she thinks to herself. “Weather turns colder, and couples snuggle in closer to one another. It’s just one more year for me to be alone.” The mere thought of going through another holiday season alone quickly turns her mood sour. She bundles her hoodie around her, stuffs her hands into her pockets and kicks the fallen leaves at her feet as she walks towards her bus stop. The air is crisp, and she can see her breathe with every exhale. Up ahead she caught a glimpse of her bus rounding the corner, she quickenes her pace crossing the street to meet the bus just in time.

He stands at his window, cup of chai tea in hand, watching this curmudgeon woman catch her bus; just as he does every morning. There is something attractive about her blustery mood that deepens each day the air is crisper and cooler. Each morning he creates a new story surrounding her, each morning he details a the reasons why she is so dark and moody. Of all the stories he creates for her, he is sure the one about loneliness and love fits her the most. He shakes his head, and says to himself, “I will change that.”

 

Employment · Hope · Journey · Lay off · Positivity · Self Esteem · Spirit · Unemployed · Working

Stress n’ Stuff

© All Rights Reserved - nidtinkung

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha.

I am now moving into my second week of being unemployed, again. I am stressing. I’ve filed my claim with unemployment, but no avail. I haven’t heard from them at all. When I log in to my account to input my weekly claim, I don’t get that option. Of all things, my bills are piling up, and I am worrying myself sick. So sick in fact I’ve taken up smoking again.

–> I know… the irony .. <— I lose my job and take up one of the most expensive habits ever.

I am mainly worried about losing my studio though. I anticipate all kinds of trouble. Smoking is a nasty, horrible, icky, smelly habit. I hate smokers. In a sense, it is another way for me to be angry, and thus, hating myself. I need a healthier habit to release stress. I will say, however, that I am not depressed. In all other aspects of my life, things are going well. I miss my son, I miss my pug… but the rest is kind of finally falling into place. I just don’t understand why the Universe, or fate, or my life path cannot just allow me to just have one day, week, month, year without a new struggle to test me with?

I need a job; I really miss the game testing.

Changing · Employment · Faith · Gratitude · Lay off · My Life · Positivity · Unemployed · Working

Dawning.

© All Rights Reserved - Tjasa

I awoke this morning, like I do every morning for work. I stretched, and moaned against the aches and pains. I realized I don’t have work to head off to. I used this opportunity to take in the chilly morning and meditate as the sun came up. Very cathartic. All in due time, my path will be revealed.

I was officially let go from my job as a video game tester yesterday. I was let go on good terms, I have a reference if I need it. It feels good, but still stings. I have enough to get through another month at my apartment, my car… maybe some food, bills, and such.

At this crossroads in my life, I am unsure what the fates have planned for me. I am unsure of the path to take, but as I’ve said recently on my facebook, “I plan to walk this path with grace and gratitude.” I refuse to give in and be depressed over something that was beyond my hold.

Employment · Working

Working 8-5

I absolutely love my new job. I think this is the best gig I’ve ever done. Why the hell did it take me so damn long to figure out it’s exactly what my mind, body and soul needed? I am so super excited. I don’t catch myself checking the time. Actually, I find myself going “Wow.. today went super fast!”….

All I can say is that I’m a game tester. I love it, love it, love it! What a great boost to ego to actually enjoy what you’re doing. I always assumed that I needed to be working in something a bit more creative, where I am actually making and building something…. This is just as creative and cool!~ I feel really great about myself.