Heavy Heart

 

I write this with weariness, a bit of trepidation and an incredibly heavy heart. I know full well that if it were seen by the individual it is written about, a whole whirlwind of anger, abusive language and flurry of drunk emails and texts will begin.

I have not talk to this individual in a couple years. I could not handle her drunken raging. Through counseling, I came to a point where I was strong enough to say “no more” with her. My last interaction with her was 11/9/2011. You can read about it in a previous blog entry: Sisters, Sisters.

I just wish my mother could do the same. She’s so accustomed to not seeing abuse for what it is, and she has such high hopes that one day all of her children will be able to come together and reunite, that she cannot walk away from the tirades she’s put through nightly.  (Literally, nightly.)

I have always wanted a tight relationship with my sister. It was never going to happen. If you talk to her, she will tell you I’m crazy. She will bash me and bad mouth me. She will try to play  sympathy card and rally her troops against me. She will tell you that I am jealous of her. Truth be told, I am not. Maybe in my younger years I was, but I’ve grown far too old to care about petty things like body size and looks. All in all, attitude and demeanor show more about a person’s character than what you adorn on the outside.

The abuse has not stopped. When I hit my ultimate low, I called my mom and asked to come home. I asked for help. I asked for my mom. This is my business, with my life and I asked for my mom’s help. Why?? Because I recognize a woman in need of assistance. I am suicidal. I am very depressed. I, in a sense, am “crazy” if you want to put that label on me. The difference is, I recognize this. I acknowledge this and I can no longer hide or live my life in a manner that is hurtful for my soul and spirit.

When my sister found out I had moved home, she blew up my mom’s text… “Is she finally going to get the help she needs? Or is she just being moody because she was broken up with?” My sister has always passed judgement on me. (Hell, not just me, but anyone she comes across that does not benefit or suit her needs; our mother included.) She cannot handle the fact that she has no control over my life, or can use her methods to influence, hurt or bully me anymore. I cut that out November 2011.

What she doesn’t see is that she is hurting our mother.. each and every derogatory text she sends, she crushes our mother’s spirit more and more. It is abuse. I’ve spent enough time in domestic violence classes, group counseling and individual therapy to know that this is abuse. My mom says to me all the time, “It’s so nice to have you home. At least we have conversations and you don’t lecture me nightly.” I hate seeing her like this. I hate seeing my mom hang her head, take the abuse and cry quietly to herself. I hate that she’s so accustomed to the abuse, she just “All well, she’s just drunk again.” I hate that she has expressed to my sister, “Please, stop. Just stop texting me like this.” and she is totally, completely ignored.

She has bashed me. SHe has bashed my mom. She has turned to other family to play victim. I have not talked to, written, or paid attention to my sister since 2011; there’s a reason for it. I don’t care what she says about me, or to whom. I do care about the emotional and physical toll it’s taking on our mother. It literally hurts me to see my mom’s heart aching as much as it is. My sister’s a drunk, she always will be. She’ll end up drinking herself to death like her father did. She’s her own burden to bare. But she needs to back off of mom. Mom is too old, too fragile to continue putting up a good face for it all.

I don’t hate her. I don’t wish ill will on her. I simply do not want her in my life. If she can, just for one moment, think if someone other than herself,  my “christmas wish” is that she backs off mom and leaves her be. Please. Have some compassion for our mom.

And to answer her question, yep.. I was “moody because I was broken up with.” Am I, “finally getting help?” Yep. I have been since January 21, 2014 when I left my abusive relationship. I am a little crazy. I am a lot depressed; which isn’t a “moody side effect of being broken up with.” I am a human with chaos inside of me. I am a woman with fluctuating hormones due to a hysterectomy and now failing ovaries. I am emotional. I am me. However, I see your query and raise you, “Are you sober yet? Are you getting the help you need?” (maybe that was a bit snarky, but, I feel I need some clarification and redemption. I am just trying to live my life the best of my capabilities; sans alcohol, drugs or lies.)

Base of the Mountain

picture is linked to facebook page.

at the base of mt. rainier in Washington State, sits one of the last remaining Drive in Theaters.
Tonight, Saturday 6/27/10, my husband and I went to partake of an old fashioned tradition.

We went and watched Jonah Hex and Get Him to the Greek.

Today, I am thankful for survival of old fashioned traditions.

Genetic Compassion

It is lack of love for ourselves that inhibits our compassion toward others. If we make friends with ourselves, then there is no obstacle to opening our hearts and minds to others.

>>>  Peace Meditation <<<
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He’s not heavy, he’s my brother..

Help your brother’s boat across, and your own will reach the shore.  ~Hindu Proverb

The problem is trying to get that brother into the boat in the first place. My younger brother has been lost for quite some time now. His downfall started with an ex girlfriend who really was the death of him. He was this open-hearted, free spirited, snow boarding hippie. He had such drive. He would go to the ocean in summer to surf, and travel to the mountain in winter to snowboard. He was free; in and out. This girl he dated, buried all that he was. She was just bad news. He started drinking a lot, he started not caring about life. He got deeper and deeper in alcohol, pot and x. They broke up, he didn’t get over the disaster she created their life to be.

The last real conversation I had with my brother was an argument about this wench. We already had a broken family, all the siblings in rivalry some how. We were all spread out across the U.S., and him and I were the only two left and close with each other.  We were always close. In my “about me” page you will see where I have written that I put my foot in my mouth, have a tendency to deliver a blow without thought only to suffer the consequence later. This was no exception with my brother. I laid it out, and got a hearty “Fuck You” back from him. That was the last time I really “seen” my brother.

He married a few years later, to a really good woman but.. she tried too hard to change him. There was no way he could fill the shoes of this ideal she had in him. They ended up getting a divorce, which ended up being another heavy stone weight pulling his free spirit back down to earth. It saddens me so much to see him like this. Through the end of the marriage, and well into the last few years, he’s gotten deeper and deeper into the drinking. WE are alcoholics in our family. We ARE at a predisposition to addictions;  mine just happens to be food.

I have wondered with fear where my brother has been the last few years. Wondering if he was alright. Periodically he would track me down through myspace, leave a cryptic message and vanish again. God, I have missed my brother. My son has missed his uncle who took him “Snipe hunting” for the first time. Well, he has resurfaced, worse than ever before. He’s depressed, drinking worse and has been living in a van. He has asked to come home. I know that this is a touchy area, him moving back. If we push him too hard, he’ll run further away. If we don’t say anything, he’ll recluse even more.

We have offered up our home to him, he is going to be staying with our mom, and we have another brother who would offer up abode as well. I just want him to come home.

Today, I am thankful for my brother, his free spirit and the hope he will come home.