My Life

He’s not heavy, he’s my brother..

Help your brother’s boat across, and your own will reach the shore.  ~Hindu Proverb

The problem is trying to get that brother into the boat in the first place. My younger brother has been lost for quite some time now. His downfall started with an ex girlfriend who really was the death of him. He was this open-hearted, free spirited, snow boarding hippie. He had such drive. He would go to the ocean in summer to surf, and travel to the mountain in winter to snowboard. He was free; in and out. This girl he dated, buried all that he was. She was just bad news. He started drinking a lot, he started not caring about life. He got deeper and deeper in alcohol, pot and x. They broke up, he didn’t get over the disaster she created their life to be.

The last real conversation I had with my brother was an argument about this wench. We already had a broken family, all the siblings in rivalry some how. We were all spread out across the U.S., and him and I were the only two left and close with each other.  We were always close. In my “about me” page you will see where I have written that I put my foot in my mouth, have a tendency to deliver a blow without thought only to suffer the consequence later. This was no exception with my brother. I laid it out, and got a hearty “Fuck You” back from him. That was the last time I really “seen” my brother.

He married a few years later, to a really good woman but.. she tried too hard to change him. There was no way he could fill the shoes of this ideal she had in him. They ended up getting a divorce, which ended up being another heavy stone weight pulling his free spirit back down to earth. It saddens me so much to see him like this. Through the end of the marriage, and well into the last few years, he’s gotten deeper and deeper into the drinking. WE are alcoholics in our family. We ARE at a predisposition to addictions;  mine just happens to be food.

I have wondered with fear where my brother has been the last few years. Wondering if he was alright. Periodically he would track me down through myspace, leave a cryptic message and vanish again. God, I have missed my brother. My son has missed his uncle who took him “Snipe hunting” for the first time. Well, he has resurfaced, worse than ever before. He’s depressed, drinking worse and has been living in a van. He has asked to come home. I know that this is a touchy area, him moving back. If we push him too hard, he’ll run further away. If we don’t say anything, he’ll recluse even more.

We have offered up our home to him, he is going to be staying with our mom, and we have another brother who would offer up abode as well. I just want him to come home.

Today, I am thankful for my brother, his free spirit and the hope he will come home.

My Life

This little light of mine….
This has been the most reviewed and read blog entry of mine.
I just want to thank those that stumble on it, read it, and more.
Feel free to comment, let me know you’ve been here.


“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” ~ Marianne Williamson

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine;

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!
~written by unknown (gospel song)

Continue reading “This little light of mine….”

My Life

Day One – No caffeine.. and second chances.

One of the orders I received from the emergency room was “no caffeine.” I am a woman who lives and thrives off of coffee. I mean, it’s the blood in my veins, it’s my existance, it is liquid sunshine. Today, is day one, and today has been consistant thoughts of the nectar of the Gods. I also changed a few of my eating essentials. I have purchased oat bread, turkey bacon, and will be increasing greens.

Today, my focus on gratitude is toward second chances. My scare I consider a wake up call and a second chance at life. Analyzing my anxiety and trying to find the root of it, a lot came to be from the whole friendship scenario I am hung up on. So today, in an act of positivity, I sent a friends request to the one I hurt the most over. After a few emails back and forth, the act of reaching out was accepted.

I am not looking to be that “bestie” again, I am looking to move forward as the adults we both are. I need closure… if anything to assist in working on my trust, ability to believe in others, and friendship again.

Today, I am thankful for second chances.