My Life

Heartache..or Heart Attack..

Today is a day to be thankful for being filled with life, and not in a proverbial sense. I woke up, and I am thankful I did.

I went to bed with chest pain, neck pain, arm pain, pressure on my chest and shortness of breath. I took a couple asprin and crawled into bed. I awoke with a start, thanks to our roommate’s mother, and found that I had a bloody nose. The chest pain was still there, shortness of breath, and generalized pain in arm and jaw. I panicked, and the more I panicked the more the pain persisted. I finally got dressed and had my husband take me to the ER.

Blood drawn, BP taken, xrays of the chest, urine samples, observation, and EKG. Sitting there watching nurses come and go, technicians poke and prod, and hours to think of “what if..”, I came to the conclusion a lot in my life needs to change. The only way my external will change is if I change my internal as well. I have to be at a moment of true “want” to manifest what needs to be. I had a similar experience a few years ago and it turned out to be anxiety. I am not a smoker, I very rarely drink, and no street drugs. Today’s doctor said outlook is good. My tests all came back on the positive side and she was releasing me. She encouraged me to find a way to release stress and anxiety, and possibly seek a counselor.

That whole time I thought about what was the cause of my anxiety, and there’s ample reasons as of late. I broke down and cried. I told my husband that I may put on a strong act, but inside I really am angry and hurting over being treated in the manner I had by my previous friends. It does hurt, no matter how you look at it. I have a tendency to internalize and make everyone believe “im ok.” I’m not, and this “heart scare” is proof of it.

So today, I am thankful for life. I am thankful for living. I am thankful for being here.