My Life

He’s not heavy, he’s my brother..

Help your brother’s boat across, and your own will reach the shore.  ~Hindu Proverb

The problem is trying to get that brother into the boat in the first place. My younger brother has been lost for quite some time now. His downfall started with an ex girlfriend who really was the death of him. He was this open-hearted, free spirited, snow boarding hippie. He had such drive. He would go to the ocean in summer to surf, and travel to the mountain in winter to snowboard. He was free; in and out. This girl he dated, buried all that he was. She was just bad news. He started drinking a lot, he started not caring about life. He got deeper and deeper in alcohol, pot and x. They broke up, he didn’t get over the disaster she created their life to be.

The last real conversation I had with my brother was an argument about this wench. We already had a broken family, all the siblings in rivalry some how. We were all spread out across the U.S., and him and I were the only two left and close with each other.  We were always close. In my “about me” page you will see where I have written that I put my foot in my mouth, have a tendency to deliver a blow without thought only to suffer the consequence later. This was no exception with my brother. I laid it out, and got a hearty “Fuck You” back from him. That was the last time I really “seen” my brother.

He married a few years later, to a really good woman but.. she tried too hard to change him. There was no way he could fill the shoes of this ideal she had in him. They ended up getting a divorce, which ended up being another heavy stone weight pulling his free spirit back down to earth. It saddens me so much to see him like this. Through the end of the marriage, and well into the last few years, he’s gotten deeper and deeper into the drinking. WE are alcoholics in our family. We ARE at a predisposition to addictions;  mine just happens to be food.

I have wondered with fear where my brother has been the last few years. Wondering if he was alright. Periodically he would track me down through myspace, leave a cryptic message and vanish again. God, I have missed my brother. My son has missed his uncle who took him “Snipe hunting” for the first time. Well, he has resurfaced, worse than ever before. He’s depressed, drinking worse and has been living in a van. He has asked to come home. I know that this is a touchy area, him moving back. If we push him too hard, he’ll run further away. If we don’t say anything, he’ll recluse even more.

We have offered up our home to him, he is going to be staying with our mom, and we have another brother who would offer up abode as well. I just want him to come home.

Today, I am thankful for my brother, his free spirit and the hope he will come home.

My Life

Heartache..or Heart Attack..

Today is a day to be thankful for being filled with life, and not in a proverbial sense. I woke up, and I am thankful I did.

I went to bed with chest pain, neck pain, arm pain, pressure on my chest and shortness of breath. I took a couple asprin and crawled into bed. I awoke with a start, thanks to our roommate’s mother, and found that I had a bloody nose. The chest pain was still there, shortness of breath, and generalized pain in arm and jaw. I panicked, and the more I panicked the more the pain persisted. I finally got dressed and had my husband take me to the ER.

Blood drawn, BP taken, xrays of the chest, urine samples, observation, and EKG. Sitting there watching nurses come and go, technicians poke and prod, and hours to think of “what if..”, I came to the conclusion a lot in my life needs to change. The only way my external will change is if I change my internal as well. I have to be at a moment of true “want” to manifest what needs to be. I had a similar experience a few years ago and it turned out to be anxiety. I am not a smoker, I very rarely drink, and no street drugs. Today’s doctor said outlook is good. My tests all came back on the positive side and she was releasing me. She encouraged me to find a way to release stress and anxiety, and possibly seek a counselor.

That whole time I thought about what was the cause of my anxiety, and there’s ample reasons as of late. I broke down and cried. I told my husband that I may put on a strong act, but inside I really am angry and hurting over being treated in the manner I had by my previous friends. It does hurt, no matter how you look at it. I have a tendency to internalize and make everyone believe “im ok.” I’m not, and this “heart scare” is proof of it.

So today, I am thankful for life. I am thankful for living. I am thankful for being here.