If you read yesterdays post you’ll understand today’s post. If you haven’t, I encourage you to: Catching Up.
One of the biggest questions friends and family have asked over the two years with him, “Why don’t you leave?” I love how it is perceived that one can just “leave”. Even if it wasn’t an abusive relationship, it is not easy to leave. Think of all your relationships. Take in consideration the hurt, loneliness and pain you had when you separated from your lover, mate, friend. It’s no easy task. Now, add in the charismatic demeanor of a narcissistic individual. I stayed. I chose to stay. These were my choices. I know that judgement from friends and family weight on my shoulders. I chose to stay many times through the abusive process. But why? Why did I make the choice to stay?
A lot of women stay because they are stuck. A lot stay because the master of manipulation has put forth a financial and supportive struggle for the woman. There’s an alienation that takes place and hopelessness becomes prevalent. This really was not the case for me, for the most part. I was lonely. I was alone. I was in a town where I really didn’t know many people. Those who I did meet became judgmental about my personal situation. My money was tied up, but in bills and rent. I had responsibilities that kept me tied there. But the end choice that kept me with him for two years: Love. It’s that simple. Love.
I loved the “good guy” he was. When he was on, he was really on fire. Attentive, funny, great cook. His humor really won me over. Unfortunately, his love of himself and marijuana became more than his love for me. The cycle of abuse became shorter and shorter. Marry that with the fact that my self esteem was getting just as short, made for a union of disaster.
I stayed because I had hopes that “this time” was really the chance needed for him to change. There were a lot of promises. There were a lot of false hopes. I was never enough for him to change for. I know now that I am more than enough, he just has a problem…or a few hundred. I endured a lot of ridicule from friends and family. I went down into a lonely hole of solitude. I had hopes that never came to fruition.
Why am I writing this blog? If you are a friend or family member of someone in a similar situation, my biggest request of you is to not judge them. Just don’t. Everyone on this planet is here for their own path. They are here forging their own way. Their choices are their lessons in life. Be there when they ask for help, but, understand that actually getting out is hard. It is very often that she will go back. It’s what she knows. It’s been her existence for however long she’s been living it. She is not ‘crying wolf’ she is trying to get the strength and self esteem to make that final choice. Have patience for her and her situation.