December 20 – Beyond Avoidance What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)
I am supposed to write a letter to those who hurt me as a child, expressing what exactly was the hurt and how it effected me today. I don’t know why but I am deterred from doing this letter. I am not sure if it’s fear, or what, but I do know that I have started it numerous times and failed to end it. Ironically, the other side of the coin has been a lot easier to accomplish.
For each start of the failed letter mentioned above, I have successfully written a deep and meaningful apology letter to those I feel I may have hurt. I have been hearing that it is a lot easier to write a finger pointing, “You did this to me,” letter than it is an apology letter. … For me, I find the opposite to be very true. I can sit down and recount all the things I have done to others, intentionally or unintentionally. I can put myself into their shoes, and actually physically feel how that would effect me if I were them (does that makes sense?) .. I can very easily point fingers at myself counting all the negative things I’ve done.
I cannot, however, point the fingers at the one who hurt me the most. I can sit back and recall specific painful events that have shaped who I am today. But I cannot put it into writing, in a letter, to that aspect of my life I need to acknowledge and fix. I am not sure if it’s because I just don’t see the need. I am aware of what has been done, and how it has affected me today. I don’t see the point of hurting myself again by readdressing it, or hurting the person in question. I just want to heal, not cause more pain.