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Emotionally immature.

I am broken. I have written about the depths of my depression before. I am not as mature emotionally as someone who has had a healthier life. I don’t know how to love fully, without question, expectations, or conditions. This is what I was raised with. This is my core being. I am an emotionally stunted 38yr old woman.

He broke up with me last night. What started as a couple days of him pulling away turned into a big snowball of emotions, discussion and eventual demise. It spiraled for numerous reason, struggles we’ve been having. I am too emotionally immature and stunted for him. He’s not getting his needs met emotionally.

Just as I had predicted it would. I am completely incapable of love. I am incapable of accepting love. I just don’t know how to be a human. 

He said he needs someone who can “connect” with him on a deeper emotional level. Those are his needs. He told me everything is very “Regancentric”. That it’s been about my needs and emotional state. This was our discussion last night. . 

A month ago, in the middle of my darkest depression, he said to me, “I can be your rock. I can do this for you. Because I can see your core, who you really are in there. When I finally feel secure and open up, he pulls back. He can’t handle it. When I finally feel like I’m in a safe place to process through the pain, hurt and Demons in my head, he says I’m not able to meet him on a deeper, emotional level. That’s what he needs. 

He says that I can’t fulfill my life with him. The worst thing about this is that the abuser was right. No one will be able to love and want me. I’m an emotional wreck. I’m a passenger train of personalities that’s crashed and derailed. Blood, guts and gore all meshing together without any resemblance of the actual person. He was right. I’m too fucked up to love.

He wrote this morning, “Last night wasn’t the culmination of some master plan… I was trying to express myself, my fears and my concerns, and it just snowballed into… disaster. My love for you hasn’t changed. I know you won’t believe that and I’ve no way to express it in a way you can understand.”

He has said today, “..this is unhealthy. We can’t do this anymore.”

This is just a catalyst me for. I have spent last 4 months with someone who told me that I was safe and secure. He promised to show me how to love unconditionally. As soon as I start opening up and really working through what is going on inside me, he pulls back and says that he can handle it said he needs someone more emotionally secure.

He had me believe and trust again. He had me believing in faith again. He had me feeling secure and all of that has been taken from me and I just don’t know if I can trust people again.

Joey put me through a lot. More than I can ever describe in word. The wounds are deep.

My core is still there. I am still a good woman. I am still a good person. I just do not know how to love the “right” way. I don’t know how to be the other half of someone. I don’t know how to act and react. I’m guarded. I’m too surrounded by walls and safety nets. He can’t get past my black and white thinking. He can’t work through my processing of order, labels, neatly tied little boxes that make me feel safe and secure. I sabotaged us, just as I knew I would. Just as I always do.

He has told me over and over again, “It’s a choice. You choose to hold onto your struggles and baggage. You choose to continue to be in a negative mind frame. You make these choices to be unhappy.”

Maybe it is a choice. Maybe this is all a choice. And I’m so used to making the wrong ones. I’m just too broken to love wholly.

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3 thoughts on “Emotionally immature.”

  1. Regan I’m sorry this happened. It’s important to remember that right now you are in a lot of pain but you will feel better.
    You do not have to remain broken, you can be loved. You can make the choice to do what you need to do to deal with your past and start moving on. I’m speaking from personal experience. Going through all your crap is one thing, then you have to choose to leave it behind. And you have to keep choosing to keep moving forward. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard.
    You are the only one who can face your issues, no one else can do that work for you. I think you need to focus on you, on healing your wounds, on learning to truly love yourself through your own eyes, no one else’s. You won’t be perfect, who is? Your issues will still pop up, but they won’t control your life. That’s when you will be ready to try romantic love. When your heart is full of love for yourself, so much so that you can share that love with someone else.
    You can do it. It won’t happen overnight, it took me years. But you can learn to leave the past behind.

  2. I completely agree with midnitered.
    I also come from similar experience. A little over 4 years ago, I had someone say almost the exact same words to me. I didn’t come from a place of abuse, but from a series of co-dependent relationships that left me emotionally and financially drained. I’d gone through this for a good portion of my adult life.
    What made matters worse was that deep down I knew that this woman was also not in a position to return love to me, due to her own issues. The end of the relationship was horrible. I was called all kinds of names, not just to me, but to mutual friends.. At that point, I had to leave her issues behind to focus on mine.
    Of course, getting over the relationship was of utmost importance. I entered therapy knowing that once I moved past that, I had to begin to work on my own hurt, as this would prevent me from participating in long term relationships.
    I did my therapy. I read a lot about my codependency, about self esteem issues, about the “white knight syndrome”. I prayed a lot. In the midst of this, I met a woman. I did my best to administer her out of my life, since I felt I wasn’t ready for anything just yet. She was patient, she’d also come from a similar background to yours, and had worked through much as well.
    That patience paid off for both of us. We’ve lived together for the past 2 and a half years, and enjoy what we both consider to be a healthy relationship. While we also face some family struggles (with her daughter, who’s also been through a lot over the years), we never argue, just enjoy each other.
    I still read a lot about relationships, and I work constantly on my emotional well being. I have to say that the time I spent alone (out of a relationship) was the best investment I’ve made in myself in my entire life. It was hard to do, because I wanted to be validated by someone else, but it took that time alone for me to learn that I should be the only important person who could validate myself.
    I hope you can find your way as well.

  3. Depression is sometimes a disease of the will. Free will is located in three separate areas of the prefrontal cortex, (as well as beyond space and time). On the right is the “I will” center. On the left is the “I won’t” center. On the lower left, closer to the middle is the center of “I want.” These wants are the higher wants that stem from belief systems, not the short-term limbic wants like food. It may help to try to size up which part of the prefrontal cortex’s free will area(s) are in need of exercise for you, if any.

    For me, it’s the “I will” part… The part that puts my decisions on the same level of importance as other people’s. I tend to fear confrontation because, as a child, the slightest disagreement or confrontation on my part would often end up in a beating from an older sibling or a burst of anger from a parent. As an adult I tend to let others walk all over me until I can’t take it anymore, then I get mad, stick up for myself with “uncharacteristic” anger and destroy the relationship.

    For many of us, the “I want” section is a problem, too. This area is where we choose long-term things based upon our better judgement, a thing that is traditionally based on religious beliefs and/or a tightly-knit group of friends and relatives who face a common foe or difficult situation. Many of us are taught that religion is rubbish unless it’s the religion of science, a belief system that denies the existence of free will (determinism) and promotes a meaningless universe where free will and consciousness are mere illusions. We are fed this ignorantly narrow view from grade school through grad school and it causes many of us to become depressed because our brains are physically constructed to rely on an undergirding sense of meaning – a universe that is quite the opposite of that promoted by the soft science’s simplistic and unrealistic view of human origins.

    If you want to beat depression, it will help to find a way to believe in a Universe where a higher purpose exists to guide you. Where mind, will and consciousness are real. Then exercise your free will on both sides: “I will” and “I won’t.” And if you can find a way into a tight group of trustworthy people facing a serious situation or danger, all the better.

    Although our moods can be up and down from one hour to the next, out overall level of depression or happiness is like a huge ship in the sea. It takes a long time to turn it around.

    The depression is not you, it the opposite of you. It’s the force that wants to take away your free will, the thing that makes you a human being. Once you beat the depression, all the deep emotional connections and support for the right lover will flow from you naturally.

    Do whatever it takes to get over the depression. Yoga, shrinks, exercise, spirituality, writing fiction, visualizing good things happening to you, traveling to a part of the world where the poor are starving to death and appreciate your help… whatever it takes, do it.

    Sorry I’m so long-winded. I just really feel for you. I’m dealing with tough times now, too. Hang in there.

    Talmage
    http://www.storiform.com

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