I am broken. I have written about the depths of my depression before. I am not as mature emotionally as someone who has had a healthier life. I don’t know how to love fully, without question, expectations, or conditions. This is what I was raised with. This is my core being. I am an emotionally stunted 38yr old woman.
He broke up with me last night. What started as a couple days of him pulling away turned into a big snowball of emotions, discussion and eventual demise. It spiraled for numerous reason, struggles we’ve been having. I am too emotionally immature and stunted for him. He’s not getting his needs met emotionally.
Just as I had predicted it would. I am completely incapable of love. I am incapable of accepting love. I just don’t know how to be a human.
He said he needs someone who can “connect” with him on a deeper emotional level. Those are his needs. He told me everything is very “Regancentric”. That it’s been about my needs and emotional state. This was our discussion last night. .
A month ago, in the middle of my darkest depression, he said to me, “I can be your rock. I can do this for you. Because I can see your core, who you really are in there. When I finally feel secure and open up, he pulls back. He can’t handle it. When I finally feel like I’m in a safe place to process through the pain, hurt and Demons in my head, he says I’m not able to meet him on a deeper, emotional level. That’s what he needs.
He says that I can’t fulfill my life with him. The worst thing about this is that the abuser was right. No one will be able to love and want me. I’m an emotional wreck. I’m a passenger train of personalities that’s crashed and derailed. Blood, guts and gore all meshing together without any resemblance of the actual person. He was right. I’m too fucked up to love.
He wrote this morning, “Last night wasn’t the culmination of some master plan… I was trying to express myself, my fears and my concerns, and it just snowballed into… disaster. My love for you hasn’t changed. I know you won’t believe that and I’ve no way to express it in a way you can understand.”
He has said today, “..this is unhealthy. We can’t do this anymore.”
This is just a catalyst me for. I have spent last 4 months with someone who told me that I was safe and secure. He promised to show me how to love unconditionally. As soon as I start opening up and really working through what is going on inside me, he pulls back and says that he can handle it said he needs someone more emotionally secure.
He had me believe and trust again. He had me believing in faith again. He had me feeling secure and all of that has been taken from me and I just don’t know if I can trust people again.
Joey put me through a lot. More than I can ever describe in word. The wounds are deep.
My core is still there. I am still a good woman. I am still a good person. I just do not know how to love the “right” way. I don’t know how to be the other half of someone. I don’t know how to act and react. I’m guarded. I’m too surrounded by walls and safety nets. He can’t get past my black and white thinking. He can’t work through my processing of order, labels, neatly tied little boxes that make me feel safe and secure. I sabotaged us, just as I knew I would. Just as I always do.
He has told me over and over again, “It’s a choice. You choose to hold onto your struggles and baggage. You choose to continue to be in a negative mind frame. You make these choices to be unhappy.”
Maybe it is a choice. Maybe this is all a choice. And I’m so used to making the wrong ones. I’m just too broken to love wholly.