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Cleaning House.

This holds true even if the person in front of us is our own reflection in the mirror.  

“When we no longer have any emotional or physical energy left, we are much more likely to surrender to the very thing which transforms us. Surrendering is, ironically, the only thing which allows us to continue this journey because our ego or false self has been shattered. This is also the dangerous opportunity for transformation. …. and why Joseph Campbell once stated, “Madmen and saints swim together in the same waters. What drowns one, will transform another.”

“When we reach the end of our rope, life is usually calling us to let go and allow life to carry us for a while as we release control.”

“I was forced into the basement of my soul, to look directly at what was hidden there, to choose in the face of it all, not death, but life.” (These are all excerpts from a handout from counseling tonight. In a two page description, these three sections went off like bombs inside my head.)

Again, back to looking into the very mirror above. The reflection looking back is not a true self, but an imposter. . . a ‘false self’ creating the very vulnerabilities that invite the batterers, the abusers, and the takers into our lives.

We studied this in group tonight. It really didn’t make much sense.. until a phone call from a friend.  “Surrendering is, ironically, the only thing which allows us to continue this journey because our ego or false self has been shattered.”  False Self. 

She said it very brash and to the point.  No sugar coating, “… we really weren’t cool chicks, we convinced ourselves that were these awesome chicks, thus inviting in those who damaged and shattered us…. Something that i chose for myself. I’m accountable for my pain in that I chose to hurt myself with someone else’s hand. It certainly doesn’t absolve my abuser, but i can’t lie to myself and perpetuate a victim mentality by not acknowledging my role in it. “

Ouch. But better poignantly stated that any of the advocates or counselors I have been dealing with to this point. 

In that split moment of abuse, in that second of life flashing, I had only one choice … to transform. The real me, deep down inside that was fighting the imposter, stepped up and pushed out with all of her might. She’s the one that kicked in flight mode. She’s the one that picked up the shattered pieces and went into action. She’s the one that got me here, right here today. Safe. Sound. And finally .. working through my shit.

I wasn’t “me” when I met him. I was a morphed version of who I thought I should be. I was free from a marriage of convenience and no passion. I tried to fill that void with someone, anyone, who acknowledged me after a very dry, unloving marriage. My relationship with the abuser, “…forced me into the basement of my soul, to look directly at what was hidden there, to choose in the face of it all, not death, but life.” 

I am now at the point where I am directly gazing into the mirror, stored in the basement of my soul, facing what I am hiding within.  I planned to hit this head on. I will be reformed. I am eager and anxious to become healthier. I hold myself accountable for the pain I have inflicted on myself by the hands of another. I invited this in. But damn it, I’m cleaning house. I was conditioned from childhood to accept less, because that’s all I deserve. To give all, but expect and accept nothing in return. Well no more. No more trying to convince myself that is all I am worth. 

I was challenged recently to revisit my I AM… statements by another friend.

I AM worth happiness. 
I AM deserving of love.
I AM in my right to expect more from those I chose to have in my life. 
I AM who I make myself to be, not what was ingrained in me. 
I AM vulnerable, but I AM learning empowerment. 
I AM beautiful. 


2 thoughts on “Cleaning House.

  1. that was awesome Regan thank you for sharing. You are a strong beautiful woman and you deserve the best for yourself!!!! don’t you ever forget that!!!


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